Sunday, March 19, 2006

Me, Myself and Id

For anyone who hasn't heard of Jessica Cutler, she's this chick who blogged about her life and sexcapades whilst interning at the White House. I said 'blogged' because her popular blog about rendez-vous' with certain married politicians and her sexy lifestyle was outed and she got fired from the White House. She's now working and living in New York, but she doesn't seem ashamed about that part of her life. In fact, they've turned her blog into a book and it's been dubbed Washington's version of "Sex and the City". I'll have to give this book a gander when I get the chance (library card, wherefor art thou?) but I've Googled her to see what all the hype was about (yes, I have that much time on my hands) and she intrigues me.

I have to say, I truly admire how open and public she is. No pseudonyms, no cryptic messages. She bares it all, with no shame. I so, so admire that. I don't think I'd ever have the guts to bare my soul and the secret life I hold, especially to people I know who read my blog. As much as I don't care what people think of me, there's certain people's judgment I do have a concern about. Plus, I don't want people in my life to avoid confiding in me, with fear that I will publicize their love affairs and third nipples. And I don't believe I can be completely open and honest without embarassing some people without using a pen name.

Perhaps it's also the fact that it mostly has to do with the type of person I want to be portrayed as: fierce, independent, hard as a rock, fun, wise, omnipotent. Unfortunately, I've been blessed with this gender as a girl and this species as a human who comes with all the traits I hate about in other people. Don't get me wrong, I love being female, but sometimes that fact just bites me in the ass (especially in the area of "<3")

I guess I'm just dealing with what I call the "self-complex" where I have an ideal self in mind, but I've yet to achieve it. I'm afraid to show my weak and vulnerable side, but insist on baring all my strong qualities. I really need to get over this, because I am human and that's how I am. I make mistakes, I let my heart get broken, I ask for help, I whine and I beg. I believe in Freudian terms, this would be called my "id".

I figure I have two ways of solving this problem: either overcome my 'weaknesses' (ha!) or just admit that I'm not perfect person. I seriously hope it's not the latter.

I used to think that I wasn't fine enough

And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough

But I won't waste my time tryin' to figure out why you playing games,

what's this all about

And I can't believe,

You're hurting me

I met your girl, what a difference

What you see in her

You aint see in me

But I guess it was all just make-believe

-Keyshia Cole "Love"

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