I HATE SCHOOL #$%^$#!!

Remember when I said I liked reading? Um, well. Not so much lately.

If anyone's ever heard of Friedrich Nietzsche, he's this apparently popular German philosopher and I'm trying to read one of his works (On Truth and Lie in an Extra-Moral Sense) and it's pissing the hell out of me.

Right from the first page, I didn't understand anything. Here I am, with highlighter in hand, ready to make note of an interesting line or a quote of note. Nada.

It's like he wrote the essay in German and someone just translated each word. Kinda like Engrish, but it should be called Germenglish.

Fuckin' Germenglish.

International war of popstars

Haha, this is amusing...

BoA fans are crazy, but anyhoo. BoA>french chick, not because of the hair but because she can dance. Ha.

YES. I have another job interview this week at the Attorney General's office. Unfortunately it's in Milton, but fuck it's a $20/hour job so hopefully it's worth the commute. I'm still trying to figure out how to get there via public transportation, though. I discovered that Milton only has like, 3 public transit routes! Wow. Hopefully this time I'll be better prepared for this interview, seeing they're requiring skills specific to the classes I have taken.

I think school is finally catching up with me. I'm now frantically searching for my text books because I have assignments and midterms coming up real soon (and then Reading Week!). I just realized I have a SHITLOAD of notes I have to get before midterms. Grrreat.

*squeal* Luella Bartley for Target...ooooooohh. Anyone going to the States anytime soon?

Blind leading the blind?

I've been hearing alot about Pink's new video "Stupid Girl" so I decided to check it out to see what all the fuss was about. I'm not a big Pink fan (music and singer-wise) but I just thought the video was funny, and reminiscent of Eminem's schtick of all the artists who annoy him in just about all his videos.

Pink's (or is it "P!nk"?) video is simply about the chicks we constantly see in rag mags: Hilary, Paris, Jessica and "Lilo" (Lindsay) and to show how they're not good role models for little girls because they're 'stupid'. These girls only seem to be concerned with hair, tiny dogs, fashion, crash diets and crashing their cars (yeah, Lohan needs to learn how to drive). While I do agree with the those points, I thought it was also hypocritical to say that girls should get involved with sports, be outcasts and act all punk(which is what I got from the video), because that's not a good message either. I hate those girls who seemingly try to be the anti-social chick, which inlcudes attitude, black lipstick and holes throughout their bodies. Girl, what are you going to do when you have to get out there into the real world with jobs and specific dress requirements? How do they change? Or do they?

And I'm not saying don't join sports, and don't take up musical instruments because they develop personality and character blah blah blah, but also don't be stupid and follow every trend that is like "If Mary Kate's doing it, I'm doing it!" because not every trend is for everyone (for instance, I don't think yoga is for me. Seems too complicated and slow, but I suppose I should give it a shot). If anything, it's best not to go to any extreme (10 piercings on your face vs. skin so tan that you only notice the whites of your eyes) and to just not look up to anyone at all. In a celebrity-driven society as ours, it's hard not to but it'll probably takes years and years of practice of buying copies of Us Magazine before you realize how much money you've wasted and that it really doesn't matter who broke up with whom and why.

It's bad enough when little girls start mimicking their 'idols', it's even sadder when there are grown women who do it, too. I thought girls started to mature around the age of 17 or 18? So why can't those 20-, 30- and even 40-something chicks get that the bubble-gum pop style isn't for everyone? This problem can be attributed to our youth-driven culture as well. Everyone wants to be 19 again (I just turned 19 for the third time two days ago!).

In the end of all this, I blame this problem on men (because it's just too easy to, haha!). The core of all this is to get the attention of "boyz" and this is seemingly how to get their attention and to receive a positive response. I don't think I've seen one of these chicks sans a boyfriend, so there's one of my supporting arguments. So guys, I don't know what these girls do for you, but is there any substance?

Yes, I admit I check out the paparazzi pics as much as the next gal, but it's strictly online (FREE) and strictly to see what those chicks are wearing off the runways (because their stylists probably get them first and that's exciting to me). So you can say they're kinda like walking advertisements to me (I'm thinking of even changing my magazine subscription from InStyle to Vogue because InStyle has gotten to celebrity-driven).

But yes, while I hate it when people give Paris any time of day, sometimes it is a hoot to see what shameful outfit Paris is wearing to her next dentist appointment. To mentally tell myself what NOT to wear, of course. ;)

Happy Birthday, me!

Ahh... it's Sunday afternoon. The weekend isn't over yet, but my birthday weekend the best. And could it have been anything less? While I was being a drill seargeant getting plans together, I didn't have enough time to be a camera whore much. Friday night @ Mandarin's

It's a good thing I wore a dress with stretchy material, I was absolutely bloated after 5 plates of food and 3 of dessert. All day I had eaten only half a muffin and expired canned soup! Mmm! And then after, because I'm so smart, a bunch of us when to play laser tag at Laser Quest and I worked up a sweat and heartburn right after eating. It was fun, but holy indigestion. And the perfect end to the evening: word games @ Tim Horton's. :p Special shoutouts to Ishara and April from coming all the way from Scarborough and Etobicoke to Mississauga for less than 2 hours. I "less than 3" you guys!

Saturday night @ York Event Theatre

I haven't gotten pictures from last night at Sarah S's and the York Event Theatre. But I don't need the pictures to describe how amazing it was! Mostly amazing due to the fact that there was a lot of pessimism and doubt that we'd get be able to get 15 of us in before 11:30 (free for ladies, half price for guys) but nonetheless at midnight and $10 a person later, we were in and from then it was clear sailing. Plenty of hot guys and plenty of hot chicks, good for everyone. So many Asians packed into one big classy venue.

The music was good and I thank everyone who came who don't usually listen to that stuff (hip hop and R&B) for putting up with it and not being wallflowers! The best part was when they played Mike Jones (because clubs never play him and I haven't heard him on the radio) and Cuong did the Tony Yayo face thing. Oh and the lion dance was a nice touch. Ahh.. and that's all I can remember. I'm just so grateful everyone ended up coming and noone went home when they wanted to when I scared them by telling them the cover was $20, instead of 10. You guys are true true friends.

I'm so dehydrated from last night because they didn't give out cups of water at the place -_- so right now I'm downing 12 oz of OJ and willing my headache to go away (not a hangover headache, a dehydration headache). Oh well, I had a great birthday anyways. Thanks guys!

Time to get started on school for once. Uhhhhhhhhh.

Aw, I think they like me...

Wanna hear a funny joke I heard today? David Guest (Liza Minelli's ex) and Da Brat (the female rapper) are something of an item...

But far be it from me, as a single person, to criticize those who have lowered their standards in finding a date. Kudos, David, kudos. And while we're on the topic of divas, Liza, I heard Fiddy is single again. Double DATE!

And far be it from me to criticize other people's happiness. I just *smirk* like her shoes. ^_^ I'm remembering seeing her in Dem Franchise Boys' "I Think They Like Me (remix)" video with her pants at her ankles and questioning her sexuality. Confirmed.

Speaking of being liked, I'm not really one to care about it. Actually, that's a lie. Of course I care what people think. I care about what potential employers, my parents, people of higher status who have potential to be of use to me and sometimes, little kids who look up to me (not physically, of course >_<) think of me. Besides that, I can fall flat on my face in the middle of the street and forget about the embarassment 15 minutes later. However, despite all that, it annoys me when I'm disliked (by people who know me, not strangers) who don't like me for no particular reason. Or no obvious reason. No obvious, rational reason. My program consists of 90% girls, so with that, there's a whole lot of bitchyness, gossiping, backstabbing, catfights (not really) and a whack load of competitiveness and PMS for the four years I'm in the program. I'm currently in my third year and I've seen most of that list occur in and outside the classroom. I'm amazed at how females interact with each other. On a spectrum of getting along, you're either liked alot or not at all. None in the middle. I hate girls, I really do. In a male-dominated society, shouldn't we, women, band together and steal the good jobs away from the men? However, there is also the power struggle to steal all the good jobs from each other. Not all girls are like that, for example, me. I could care less if another chick gets a job we're both vying for if she is more qualified, not because she has sharper claws or a shorter skirt.

Over the years, I am finding this power struggle at school. And as we near graduation, it's only going to get worse. And there's a lot of chicks in my class who are very competitive and are seemingly the overachievers you knew in highschool who not only weren't modest about it, but probably made sure everyone knew it. They'll talk over you, they'll tell you they're right and you're wrong and they will make fun of you if you do make a mistake. These girls are out there and they're in my class. Now, normally these girls prey on their main competition (cuz why would they waste their time on the slackers?) and who they stand to lose against. Thus being, *I* am clearly not a likely candidate as a prey for these girls, right? Wrong.

This blog is not for slandering, so I won't name names. But the other day I experienced a little "hostility", if you will by this one chick. Let's call her, Betty. There's actually been other instances that was brought to my attention about Betty's attitude towards me but I didn't initially experience it so I disregarded it. But the other day, I did experience it. And as small as it was, it was an eye-opener. Basically she was supposed to hand out these assignment sheets out to the class and as she came around to me, she skipped me and kept right on going, even though I was sitting very close to the girl next to me and she got one, and the guy next to me got one as well. In other words, there's no way she couldn't have not seen me. What the hell? Apparently this has happened before towards me (and a couple friends closely associated with me), so it's clearly personal.

Let's get this clear: I have no hard feelings towards her despite all this. I'm not going to rant about her weight, gossip about how she dresses or even name her name. There's no reason to because it's pointless and I wasn't directly effected by this little habit of hers (because I could've easily gotten up to get another copy, copied from someone or someone could've just told me what the assignment was about) but I am astonished at how petty people can be. I can probably think of only one instance where she might have resented me (in a competition, we tied, which was a shocker because I would say I was the underdog) but that was a long time ago and fuck, it was just an assignment! Besides that, nada. I would say I've been nothing but nice to her, despite not talking to her a whole lot. So what the dilly-o?

I admit I am competitive, but usually in games and stuff like that. Resentment lasts until the game ends and then we go out for some pool or pho and it's all forgotten. I think I've come to terms with my disability to ever overachieve (learned THAT at an early age ^_^) so I've just learned to do just the best I can and whatever happens happens. I want to undrestand why overachievers strive to overachieve, and at what costs. Is it worth it in the end? Is what you've strived for and the people you had to knock down to get there amountable to happiness? I know it's only smart to strive for the best, but is it worth pissing people off and risking bad karma? Perhaps in 50 years I'll find Betty and ask her.

I suppose I could just confront her now and settle this, but I'm just going to leave it for now until it gets too far. In the meantime, I'm just going to continue to go on my merry way and just achieve.

Back to the Future

I found this pic of me and my friends from a convention this week. I totally hate how I look in it, and I don't really know why I'm posting it...

So apparently there was a law firm eagerly looking for students to hire beause they're backlogged. My program coordinator (the man in the pic) asked if I would be interested. But then he asked me a dreaded question that I was afraid would eventually come up in the course of my career: Do you speak Chinese?

Umm... dammit. As much to my chagrin, I have to give the obligatory answer of "no, not really" because the only Chinese I know isn't enough to get me by even in a supermarket. Even despite my taking chinese school for a decade when I was younger (but then again, how many people learned anything in Chinese school?), I have yet to even have a simple conversation in Chinese without stumbling or asking my mom for help. *sigh

And it's not that I don't want to learn, I do. I just lack time, and before, I lacked committment to learning it. I want to eventually learn all the Asian languages: Chinese (Mandarin and Cantonese), Korean, Vietnamese and perhaps a little Tagalog. It seems unlikely that I would, though, seeing I was in Chinese school for half my life and I speak English at home allllll the time.

I suppose I should pick up a CD or two and get cracking on Chinese. I mean, I could either totally avoid ever working in Scarborough/Markham/Richmond Hill or just finally learn it once and for all. And what better time to start than on Chinese New Years? Problem is, I have a hard time learning different languages and I blame this on my right brain-ness. Man, I hate not knowing a second-language. I can't talk about people right in front of them!

Good news! One of my favourite groups of my past life are getting back together!

Man, they totally rocked. I had two of their albums (can't find either of them now >_<) and I think I mainly liked them because they were like the anti-Spice Girls. They made baggy pants and tanks tops cool (mind you, I was a bit of a tomboy back then) All Saints>Spice Girls. Man, I really wish I could find their CDs now. I'd like to sit and listen to All Saints and Hanson and bring myself back to middle school.

And while I'm there, make myself pay attention in Chinese school.

Familiarizing with the Unfamiliar

Damn, I wish I could look as posh (haha) and poised as Victoria Beckham when I'm just sitting in a skirt and heels...at Chanel in Paris. teehee. I love how her little purse is just sitting there on the floor in front of her. Like, a purposeful pose for a photo op.

Hella tired right now. 8am class and then hopped downtown to mind the Humber booth at the Legal Education Convention down at the Convention Centre. Made off with oodles of goodies and hopefully left a good impression to some potential employers. *fingers crossed. I left a pile of my resumes and cover letters next to the brochures and my coordinator was impressed, so I was pretty proud of that. If that doesn't spell out desperate for employment, I don't know what will.

While I was downtown I couldn't help but get myself equestrian boots I've wanted forever. On sale. Woo hoo, happy birthday to me.

I also saw the funnest thing today. That wasn't a spelling mistake, it truly was described as "fun". I saw a man with long hair, wear a short dress and carry a purse today. No shitting. I almost didn't notice him but he was walking towards me and my friend didn't even notice him. It was kinda amusing because he wasn't even trying to be feminine. No makeup, no fuss, not even clean-shaven. 5 o'clock shadow and pale white skin was right there in plain sight for all to see. I thought most drags were high maintenance. He was just strolling through the Eaton Centre as if it were a normal day, as if he were a normal woman.

I say it was the funnest thing I saw today because for some reason it lifted my mood. I didn't even laugh out loud. I don't know what was more refreshing: the fact that he had enough courage to put himself out there (because not enough people do, including me) or the fact that it was my first real encounter with an "unfamiliar" (i.e. something I definitely wouldn't normally see outside of the city). While I appreciate a more fashion-conscious and more style-aware type of drag (like BryanBoy), it was definitely the high point of my day. Not even all the freebies I got today could top that!

Huh, how 'bout that? A stranger in a bad dress lifted my mood today.

No pot of gold at the end of the reading rainbow

This is such a random thought, but today while I was trolling through downtown's usedbook stores, I was overwhelmed by the amount of books that are in existence.

Like, there must be billions of books on this planet! More than the amount of the world's population! In the one bookstore I was in, there were stacks and stacks and shelves and shelves of books that seemingly haven't even been handled in years. And then I found out the guy had even more books in his basement! It's a wonder how there are as many books as there are ants on this planet, yet the world illiteracy rate is surprisingly high (I'm not even going to bother bullshitting a statistic for you, look it up yourself).

It's also sad to find out that less and less people, those who are forutnate enough to be literate, are reading. The owner of the bookstore said along with 7 other bookstores, he was closing that year because there was no business in used bookstores (thanks to Chapters?). More people are picking up iPods than books and sadly I am one of those people (well I don't have an iPod but I do have a lot of magazines with bright, glossy pictures!).

I used to read like a friggin' bookworm. When I was younger, I pretty much read the entire series of The Babysitters' Club and I had a substantial Nancy Drew collection. I was once desperate for something to read. Would you believe I used to be a library hound? Now, I don't even know where my library card is.

Sure I could use the excuse that school has taken away time for me to read for pleasure but that is such a lie seeing that I don't even read for school! While I could read a book or two in my spare time, I guiltlessly peruse the internet for celebrity paparazzi photos and scour fashion websites. I am, I guess you could say, a pop culture whore. As much as I hate it, it's become a rut I've fallen into where reading is only an option if there's a gun put to your head.

When did reading become such a stigma? "Reading? Pah! There's the internet!"<-well, there's answer #1. Or perhaps we generally eat too much bad food like sugar and caffeine, that it's got us all riled up and restless that we don't have the patience to sit and read. There's probably other answers, those of which I am way too lazy to think about or look into, but we've begun to ditch reading for more useless past times like going to movies (I think the last movie I saw in theatres was "40-year Old Virgin" and I swear I came out of that 20% dumber), playing Poker endlessly and just doing nothing for the sake of nothing "better" to do. Not to mention how much it costs to do "nothing".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dogging on people and saying they shouldn't do the above mentioned, but there should be some balance as to how we spend our time, right? I've definitely cut back my internet time but I know there are still many people who are mindlessly sitting in front of their computers, clicking clicking typing typing.

I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I feel so restless not doing something at least mentally stimulating. There's only so much drunkage, betting and mind-numbing movies I can take. Haha! Or maybe it's just that everyone else studies so damn hard at school that they need to vex out with "mind-numbing" fun on the weekends and this problem is only my own because I am already too vexed! Ahhh....

Literati, anyone?

I'm a T-R-A-P-S-T-AR

I always see little videos of skateboard bloopers. Alot of them are awful. Guys landing on their asses, on their faces and a couple of 'too-bad-he-wasn't-wearing-a-cup moments'. Of course there's a lot of videos of those kinda things on the internet because it's always fun to see people fail, right?

Well I found one video that was pretty impressive because it's a montage of skateboarders actually making their lands; and the video is made more impressive because they used Young Jeezy's "Trapstar" in the background (yeah, Young Jeezy's music is bad and promotes violence and such but I still like listening to him anyhow). And while we're on the topic of Young Jeezy, I just wanna say that I doubt I'll get sick of this song because the thumping part is just so catchy(even though the video is so typical and ghey).

I HATE JOB INTERVIEWS

I mostly hate them when I don't feel I did particularly well in one. They should rename job interviews to "How Well Can You Bullshit?" and resumes to "Bullshit on Paper (and some truths)".

Friday's job interview didn't go as well as I had hoped or fantasized. Has anyone been in an interview where they just ask too many questions? I'm used to the usual "How well do you work with others?" and "What are your weaknesses?" but when you start asking me about stuff that actually has a correct answer where bullshitting is useless, my mind shrivels like manhood in cold water. I was not prepared for questions about "reassurance policies" and "compliancy laws". That morning in the back of my head, I knew I should've done a little more research about insurance law and the like, but dumbass me felt too cocky and lazy to do that.

After the interview I seriously walked aimlessly around the city wondering what the hell I was doing. Is there a reason I perpetually failed that interview? The interviewer actually was asking all the right questions; all the questions that I should know, did know and just couldn't answer. The fact that I didn't do as well as I should've done in this interview makes me doubtful of a successful future for myself because I have no idea what my future is at this point. My brother was right; while I may hate school and yearn to be in the working world now, once I actually start working I will change my mind.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself, but it just makes so much sense to me. I'm in my third year of my program and I don't feel as if I'm prepared for anything. I know alot of people say they never even knew what they wanted to do when they got out of school and sometimes still don't, but it's one thing to not know what you want to do than to not know what you're even good at. I think this is the point where some people decide that they will take that year-long break after graduation to contemplate what to do and "find themselves", but I just can't imagine myself sitting around doing nothing and supposedly figure out what I want to do.

ARGH. I'm gonna be another statistic to add to the pile of kids who come out of college with a degree and potential and can't even find work.

Move over, Aritzia Apes.

Plans are slowly forming for birthday a la me. If you're reading this now, you're automatically invited.

Friday, January 27: Mandarin (Hurontario and Britannia), 6:30-7pm, bring your appetites

Saturday, January 28: this (yeah, the Snoop Dogg sample in the background is a lil ghey, but doesn't it make you wanna jam?)

I wanted to have a big soiree under one roof with everyone but alas, no money, no big mansion near the beach.

Went to the store opening of Hollister at Sherway today with Sarah, just to see what all the hype is about from the States. Go back, Hollister. We don't need another white-washed, beach- bumming, over-over-priced, cheaply-made goods clothing store. We have TNA and AE, thank you very much. ^_^

All those fashionista urban myths about the trials and tribulations of Hollister (and Abercrombie and Fitch, for that matter) were all true. The store was dark, the music was loud, and there were plenty of good-looking people to make me feel slightly self-conscious. Might as well have thrown me into a club in the middle of the day. Though, I have a feeling I might be going in there one more time just to eye these leggings I've been yearning (but for $30?!). I also couldn't help but notice that 80% of the chicks who worked and shopped in the store wore almost identical outfits: Uggs, long shirts and fake (?) designer bags on their arms. Ladies, that outfit is officially a fashion faux-pas. I now dub them 'Hollister Hoes' (formerly Aritzia Apes) and you know who they are because they troll malls in packs. Needless to say, I felt slightly out of place and a little disgusted. Now, I'm not honing on people I personally know who shop at Hollister and Aritzia (afterall, I've shopped at Aritzia), but if 90% of your wardrobe is from either of these places, you look like 90% of the girls out there.

Speaking of good-looking people, I think I'm subconsciously stalking one of my crushes because he's working at Hollister. Or maybe the Crush Gods are working Fate (yet they can't get me to admit my feelings to my crushes?!) and have thrown me into his path at school, on the subway, in the city and now, at his work. Either way, the Gods have given me a second reason to go back to that store: To eye the leggings and to eye that guy. So forget everything I mentioned above about Hollister. Hollister rules.

P.S. If they ever bring up Kitson, so help me, I will eat my hat.

My So-Called Life

Had nothing better to do today, so I went alllllll the way to the sleepy town of St.Catherine's to Brock University with my dear friend, Anand. I can't believe he travels all that way to school. Geez.

So during our mini "road trip" we got to gossiping about people from our school and how they've fared post-highschool. It still truly amazes me how people are, just when you think you know them, especially if you've known most of the people you went to school with most of your life. Wow. Some people have changed alot, for better and for worse. Without getting into any details (because what kinda friend would I be? ;)), I learned that people definitely weren't what they seemed in highschool. I now see a lot of people in a whole new light. Some people have made the front pages of newspapers, some people were leading scandolous lives which won't likely be brought to light any time soon. Regardless, at least my highschool wasn't full of people leading seemingly normal lives as I once assumed. GFSS, you may be full of pedophiles, murderers and two-timers, but I still have a special place in my heart for you.

So... am I the only one that has yet to lead an "interesting" life? Whether it be scandolous, awe-inspiring, or out-of-this-world spit-on-your-neck thrilling, I don't think I can identify anything in particular that would even compare to any of those descriptions. Hmm. This chick needs to spice up the flava a l'il, I guess?

My gossip-fest has once again made me well-aware of how naive I am to the world. The fairy-tale lies I've been fed my entire childhood have proven to me that we don't live in a world with fairy-tale endings. At least, not likely for me. I mean, what are the odds? Sure, at the beginning we strive for a "fairy-tale ending", but as life progresses we're honestly just trying to get by. Shit happens and we adjust our lives to accommodate that shit. Even if we're married to that shit and we don't really know how shitty they are, we accommodate even if it's not what we had dreamt of. Man, life's a bitch, eh?

Perhaps I should be grateful that my less than "scandolous, awe-inspiring, or out-of-this-world spit-on-your-neck thrilling" life hasn't achieved it's full potential and I should be happy with what I've got right now.

P.S. Download and listen (About the Album>Download) to Reggaeton Ninos - "Oye Mi Canto" if you wanna dance.

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

Ahh...a dream to aspire to: I admire this woman's ability to buy so many white heels because I've yet to purchase a pair for fear they won't stay white. I really would like a pair, though. But I can't seem to find any that don't look like wedding shoes. Her knee-high boots stock is a little disappointing though... not as awesome as Mariah Carey's on MTV Cribs. Now that's a shoe horn I can hop onto.

Goddam, today I went out looking for an outfit boring enough, yet not too shameful for me to wear for my interview on Friday. I've been told that I need to dress less flashy and more boring for a legal office. Boo. And how productive was I today? I just got a pair of BCBGirls running shoes. Yeah, I need help. I wish it weren't so, but flats are gonna be big in the Spring/Summer '06. And when I wear flats, I qualify as a 'midget'. Waaahhhh!

People know that I have many shoes, but trust me, I personally know some that have a larger collection and far better. I should start some sort of a club where we document and lend our shoes to each other. I've lent out a couple before, but it'd be so sweet to "combine" our collections. Of course we'd have to be the same sizes... sizes 5-6! We shall be known as the 5-6 Shoe Club! Hahahaha...

...I need sleep.

I STILL LOVE YOU, TAYLOR HANSON

And I'm not afraid to admit it!! Sure, he's married to some bitch and they have a family and such, but he's still the only white boy I've ever loved. Despite popular belief, I never thought he looked like a girl. Yeah, I can see how the long hair could throw one off, but it's so white trash and he's from Oklahoma. What can ya do. He still has the longish hair, but he's still fucking gorgeous.

Why the nostalgia? I was just watching some old Hanson videos on Winamp streaming videos and it just brought back so many memories. I remember the crazier Hanson fans would pick apart each of their vids, pointing out little bloopers. Now that's true fandom. And craziness.

I still have my little "shrine", aka a shoebox filled with all the Hanson posters I once wallpapered my wall with and articles I collected during the height of their popularity. I've thought about tossing it out, but perished the thought soon after. This is a representation of how typical my adolesence was. Every girl at one point obsessed over some sort of boy band or boy, and mine was Hanson (I don't care how popular Backstreet Boys still is, they still suck).

And in case you were wondering, Hanson isn't dead. They're still making music, indie of course. I don't really listen to them as much now, but I still love reminscing a time where I was so carefree and oblivious to a world outside pop culture, parties and alcohol.

Racking my brain, going insane, again and again...

Kathy recently sent me this pic of us eating at the Chicopee Ski Chalet from our trip. Man, I'm salivating right now thinking about those juicy, juicy wings...mmmmmmmm. Looking at that pic makes me yearn for snowboarding also and wondering where the hell winter went. Though, I'm not complaining too much because the lack of snow and cold weather makes for better commuting to school.

I told myself, today was going to be the day.

No more excuses, cause I knew exactly what to say.

Was gonna make my play, but just like yesterday.

My mind erased, and I let the moment slip away.

Another night, got me sitting here all on my own .

Picking up the phone, but I can't get passed the dial tone.

Racking my brain, going insane, again and again,

I can't keep going this way.

Crushed by the sweetest lips I never kissed.

And your fingertips and the warmest touch that I've always missed.

Crushed by the softest hands I never held.

probably never tell,you're the strongest love that I’ve ever felt.

Crushed that I haven't ever let you know,how it always goes,

cause I lose my nerve whenever you get close.

And so I'm left,short-of-breath,with that heavy feeling in my chest.

Baby I'm so crushed.

So I tell myself, that tomorrow's gonna be the day.

And I keep on telling myself that I'm gonna find a way.

And I won't be afraid just like yesterday,

Won't walk away,

Never gonna let another chance slip away.

Cause I gotta know, whichever way it's gonna go.

Risk my heart and soul cause there can never be no more.

Racking my brain, going insane, again and again,

I won't keep going this way.

Crushed by the sweetest lips I never kissed.

And your fingertips and the warmest touchthat I've always missed.

Crushed by the softest hands I never held.

probably never tell,you're the strongest love that I’ve ever felt.

Crushed that I haven't ever let you know,

how it always goes, cause I lose my nerve whenever you get close.

And so I'm left,short-of-breath,with that heavy feeling in my chest.

Baby I'm so crushed.

Crushing I'm so into you, don't know what i'm going to do.

Gotta find a way to you.

I don’t know just what to do.

Crushing I'm so into you, don't know what i'm going to do.

Gotta find a way to you.

Ohh, I~

Crushing I'm so into you, don't know what i'm going to do.

Gotta find a way to you.

And so I'm left,short-of-breath, with that heavy feeling in my chest.

Baby I'm so crushed.

Crushed by the sweetest lips I never kissed.

And your fingertips and the warmest touchthat I've always missed.

Crushed by the softest hands I never held.

probably never tell,you're the strongest love that I’ve ever felt.

Crushed that I haven't ever let you know,how it always goes,

cause I lose my nerve whenever you get close.

And so I'm left,short-of-breath,with that heavy feeling in my chest.

Baby I'm so crushed.

Crushing I'm so into you, don't know what i'm going to do.

Gotta find a way to you.

(and I wanna stress that I always missed)

(Crushed)

Crushing I'm so into you, don't know what i'm going to do.

Gotta find a way to you.

(strongest love I ever felt)

(Crushed)

Crushing I'm so into you, don't know what i'm going to do.

Gotta find a way to you.

And so I'm left,short-of-breath, with that heavy feeling in my chest.

Baby I'm so (crushed)

..(Crushed)

- "Crushed" by Rosette

For some reason, I keep hearing this song on the radio at least 4 times a day, and I don't even turn on the radio all that much except in the morning when I'm getting ready for school or when I'm taking a shower. I'm not too annoyed by this song (yet) but it's as if the Radio Gods are trying to tell me something, as if they know me. This song is so goddam relatable, it's a little scary. I'm starting to think this song is some sort of omen. Yup, a prophetic sign from the Radio Gods.

Unless my friends are just calling in the radio stations to play this song to tell me something. Thanks, guys. I understand what I need to do. I'm just a big chickenshit, bear with me.

Turning over a new, perfect leaf

What it do, peeps?

In case you don't know what that means, I just said "what's up". Yeah, I don't get it either. "English" is changing ever so rapidly around me. I also learned that I can also say "what tha biz?". Don't you just love the "English" language? Young people never cease to amaze me. I can't wait for the next person to say that to me seriously so I can slap them.

So I'm in the full swing of school now. I have to say, it's not bad, though I'm incredibly tired lately. Probably from my different sleep scheduling. I find myself taking naps now when I come home. In fact, I'm yawning right now, and it's only 9:56 pm. I should go to sleep now, but Mike Jones is on now and he's oh-so-addictive to listen to ^_^.

With school comes the daunting task of finding my textbooks and at the lowest price possible. Humber, I found out, actually raises their prices in their bookstores and they're the only school that does that. What the hell? Nice one, Humber. So now I have to scour all these publishers websites (only legal ones, though. Great.) and check out used bookstores for my textbooks. Last semester someone else photocopied all my books, but this year I'm going to take the more legal route and just buy 'em. Besides, I hate it when the words are cut off sometimes.

My program coordinator recently referred me to a law firm who is looking for a legal researcher. $15/hour, 10 hours a week! Fingers crossed, toes crossed, legs crossed, arms crossed, eyes crossed. I really hope I get this job. Legal researching is one area I'd like to get into anyway, so this is perfect. So perfect. Oh, if I get this job my year will be starting off perfect.

And also to start off my year "perfect", I actually got myself an agenda and a binder with dividers, which is a huge step for me since I haven't used a binder since highschool! This is how I'm going to start getting organized! No more laziness! Even though I always start off "prepared" with equipment and stuff, by the end of the semester my agenda usually isn't filled passed the first month and I end up tossing around loose notes. I really hope that doesn't happen this semester. I need to get my life together.

For the first time in three years of me being at college, today I finally checked out the newly constructed gym and found out they have a couple of classes I'm interested in, like boxercise and hip hop dance. I realized I need to start toning up again and get active. This is a good start, except that they start in the evening and it's a bitch and a half to get down there. Oh well, I shall make the effort even though I absolutely hate the area at night.

Alright, back to the grind of finding books. Boooooooo.

The Art of Sacrifice

Lately I've been thinking about the sacrifices people make in their relationships, and not just boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships, frienships included. It's funny how we tend to try to gravitate towards those who have similar interests as us, give us access to a social life, or have a likeable personality that's easy to get along with when in the end, both parties could be as different as night and day. We make sacrifices because we want to be able to get along with that person and I don't think there's one person who wouldn't sacrifice something to maintain relationships.

So why do we do it? First thought that comes to mind is that we are all afraid to be alone. We need these relationships to give us a sense that there is something worth getting out of bed for. We were born with people around us, we need them when we die. Because if not for others, why are we living and breathing?

Second reason that I believe people make sacrifices is to eventually change themselves somehow. Afterall, to sacrifice is to change oneself. And while it hasn't been intentional, this makes me wonder what I've changed about myself because I've sacrificed something and how much more I'm willing to sacrifice. Without going into detail, I've concluded that I have changed, and will change the more relationships (both friendly or more-than-friendly) I get involved in.

I recently had a discussion with a friend who is maintaining a long-term relationship and has definitely changed due to their sacrifices. I believe this person has turned into the epitome of the type of person I despised way back when I was young, inexperienced and naive. Of course, I've changed my views slightly but after our little conversation, I realized it's probably worth the change if the consequences of sacrificing isn't deteremental. However, it's hard to measure how detremental a sacrifice has become until it's too late. Sometimes it's just too hard to stop and say "is it worth their happiness for me to do this?".

Relationships are hard, but they become even harder when both parties refuse to settle and this probably attributes to about 75% of relationships. I've been in countless situations where I'm "caught in the middle" between two friends who, while they both insist on being friends, clearly should not be because each side is not willing to make some sort of sacrifice to dumb down obvious hostility. I'm not saying that they shouldn't be themselves, but there is a fine line between pure stubbornness and just plain bitchy. In these types of situations, if one cannot help but not change, they should just end that relationship for the good of themselves and everyone around them. Ridding of sour relationships is hard, especially if it means you'll be giving up all sorts of social realms, but the art of sacrifice may be too much and end up making you sour.

Until next time...

Well, I go back to class tomorrow. Blahhhh. I wish the break was a tad longer, just to be able to stay up at crazy hours of the morning and sleep in till early evening. Aaahhh.. tomorrow's class starts at 12:40 pm, so it's an OK transition.

I had quite the weekend. Friday, Mel's bday; Saturday, spent the whole day with the girls (meant to go to Niagara but Mother Nature has her way of ruining plans) and I spent the day chillin', family dinner, and then skating at City Hallwith the boys. Aaahh, I'm satisfied for now. Until the next break, which for me is February 20th<--mark that in your calendars and flog me with plans!

Unlike the recent unseasonable warm weather we've been having, hopefully in February it'll be prime snowboarding weather, at least. I have to say, I really don't mind the 'warm' weather at this time. It's nice not to have to always wear boots all the time and commute to school without freezing my bussing ass. It's 7 degrees on Thursday, cha-ching!...

I still didn't really do everything I planned on doing during the 3-week break: fix my goddam computer!, finish my scrapbook, fix my computer, chill with other friends that I don't usually see, fix my computer, clubbing downtown, fix my computer, and play poker<--what a fucking lie, I had chips coming out of my ass the last three weeks.

I think there's a poker night coming up this weekend. Good grief. I hope this time we can squeeze in the karaoke-ing, guys!

Until next time...!

Things to do this week: ~buy zipper for Sarah's bag ~lunch w/ Jez ~see Hostel in the middle of the day! (someone go see it and tell me if I'd be able to take it) ~buy school supplies

Happy Birthday, Mel!

Last night was Mel's big birthday bash at D Martini's, as most of you know. VIP lounge + cheap booze + about 30 or so of her closest friends, you do the math. The party was made more awesome with food and our very own bouncer (who didin't do much "bouncing", heehee).

The pics will explain themselves (*warning: I look fat and slutty, a deadly and ugly combination)....

Special thanks to Dev and Sarah for helping make 80+ cupcakes! And he's going to kill me for posting his pic... but a great big thank you to Davis for hooking us up the way we should always be treated --VIP ~_^

Too little too late?

My little sister's birthday is today, which means I'm getting older as well!

I realize this with a little dismay, as we usually do when we realize we're getting older and not younger. But in addition to being a lil disappointed that I've yet to find the Fountain of Youth, I'm also a little disappointed in myself that at 22, I have yet to accomplish anything that I can really label as an Accomplishment or even slightly noteworthy. Shouldn't I have had a major accomplishment by now? I'm over two decades old, what have I done and where am I now?

I recently had a lil discussion about this with a friend. "But you still have time" he told me. Sure, I have time to accomplish something but I feel like I'm falling behind in 'the pack' and that while everyone is moving forward, I'm left struggling behind. Me, struggling in life already? you may ask. Well I sure feel it. I guess I'm just not in the place I really expected myself to be at this age. And what was I expecting? Well for one, I expected myself to have goals and to have had accomplished said goals, rinse and repeat if necessary.

I think for the longest time while I thought I was independent, I was the complete opposite. I think I am dependent on others to push me and that I can't really achieve anything if I tried on my own. It sure is like that at school. I'm grateful to have friends who let me know when assignments are due and what to study for exams and I oblige. Without my friends, I probably would not still be at school because I just don't give a damn and I think that's my problem.

So if I don't give a damn now, will I later?

Perhaps I'm having another one of those moments where I'm at a stand still in my life and nothing really excites me or gets my butt moving and that this is wrong because I should be passionate for something. I feel passive and dormant. It could mean my period is coming soon, but regardless of that, lately I just haven't felt any sparks or anything. Whenever someone asks me what is new with me, I feel myself lost for words because I don't really have anything to report and I haven't had anything to report for the longest damn time. What's wrong with me? It's so frustrating that while I'm not down-in-the-dumps depressed, I'm not feeling all too crazy about myself either. I could psyche myself out and tell myself affirmations each day and stay positive but really, does anyone know me to be an optimist?

I think at this point, this is where people turn to drugs or destruction of some sort of property, ha.

Wallowing out the last few days of freedom

So everyone's pretty much back to school. No more late night outings for a few more weeks (until reading week?). Bahhh... luckily it's not hard for me to find things to do by myself.

Had a sorta "guys' night out" tonight, seeing as most of the girlfriends are either away at school, or have school the next day. So it was me, Quang, Nam, Alex and Yuri. Woot. Arcade, bowling, pool. A few of the things I'm most worst at, but still had a good time. I just wanted to get out of the house and stay out to ungodly hours of the morning because I woke up at 2 pm today. Quang: Sorry I let you down. >_< Alex: *honk* Nam: goooOOOooo NaAAMmmmm

I have a bunch of things I need to do before the end of this week, and none of them include getting any of my textbooks for next semester... somebody please email me the booklist! Not that I care much anyway. Someone will photocopy for me like last semester. ^_^ I've gone as far as to print out my timetable, but that's about it. I need notebooks and such but I see no need to fit it into my jam-packed schedule for the rest of the week. I need a push!

Wow, it's 4:30 am and I'm just gonna stay up for hours playing Literati with Nam and Alex. Wow, I can't seem to get enough of these guys.

I know it's still winter, but...

Marc Jacobs, you cokehead freak! You're a genius!

I'm probably the only person who loves this Balenciaga dress... aggghh I wish I was taller!

Go KOFI!!

There's been murmurs abound that a friend of mine has been in the media lately. I guess I should get used to reading about people I know in the media now, for both good and bad things, if you catch my drift. heehee But anyhoo. My friend Kofi Hope has been in the media for a very good thing. There's an article about him in The Toronto Star and as far as I've known him, the article really does reflect him. He's really the nicest, most generous person I've met even though he can be such a goof and jerk sometimes (jerk because he kept getting me in water fights >_<). It's also truly astounding that an advocate like him can be my age. Wow, he really puts me to shame, because I don't think I've acheived half of what he has. What an inspiration. Another goal to add to the new year?

^Our first black Prime Minister?

Happy New Year!!

Last night was probably very memorable for some or a foggy blur for others. Either way, we're officially in the year 2006 whether you like it or not. I, for one, am beginning this year hungover and with a huge headache. Grrreat. Miraculously, I remember most things from last night despite drinking all day and being very wasted. Ah well. Happy new year to me. I'm glad I saw everyone at the beginning of the new year even though I had to endure a nauseating cab ride to Megan's.

Excuse red-faces...I'm Asian.

Party #1:

The party didn't end at Konrad's, at least not for me, Mel and Corey... I became the "heap on the floor" when I got to Megan's while the party went on around me, including Megan's bro's friends. I really wish I wasn't so wasted so that I was more lively, although I was very aware of what was going on. Not as many pictures (because I was GONE) but an equally great time! Thanks for taking care of me, guys!

Special thanks to Mel and Corey for shuffling me from party to party and nursing me, Konrad for hosting a slamming party, Meg and her bros for making sure I was still conscious and hosting for so many people, Devlin for making me toast ^_^, Kathy for providing me a blanket, Sarah for helping me make it to the car alright and of course, Blue & White Taxi for being prompt and providing means for me to see everyone I love. See everyone on Friday!