Friday, January 06, 2006

Too little too late?

My little sister's birthday is today, which means I'm getting older as well!

I realize this with a little dismay, as we usually do when we realize we're getting older and not younger. But in addition to being a lil disappointed that I've yet to find the Fountain of Youth, I'm also a little disappointed in myself that at 22, I have yet to accomplish anything that I can really label as an Accomplishment or even slightly noteworthy. Shouldn't I have had a major accomplishment by now? I'm over two decades old, what have I done and where am I now?

I recently had a lil discussion about this with a friend. "But you still have time" he told me. Sure, I have time to accomplish something but I feel like I'm falling behind in 'the pack' and that while everyone is moving forward, I'm left struggling behind. Me, struggling in life already? you may ask. Well I sure feel it. I guess I'm just not in the place I really expected myself to be at this age. And what was I expecting? Well for one, I expected myself to have goals and to have had accomplished said goals, rinse and repeat if necessary.

I think for the longest time while I thought I was independent, I was the complete opposite. I think I am dependent on others to push me and that I can't really achieve anything if I tried on my own. It sure is like that at school. I'm grateful to have friends who let me know when assignments are due and what to study for exams and I oblige. Without my friends, I probably would not still be at school because I just don't give a damn and I think that's my problem.

So if I don't give a damn now, will I later?

Perhaps I'm having another one of those moments where I'm at a stand still in my life and nothing really excites me or gets my butt moving and that this is wrong because I should be passionate for something. I feel passive and dormant. It could mean my period is coming soon, but regardless of that, lately I just haven't felt any sparks or anything. Whenever someone asks me what is new with me, I feel myself lost for words because I don't really have anything to report and I haven't had anything to report for the longest damn time. What's wrong with me? It's so frustrating that while I'm not down-in-the-dumps depressed, I'm not feeling all too crazy about myself either. I could psyche myself out and tell myself affirmations each day and stay positive but really, does anyone know me to be an optimist?

I think at this point, this is where people turn to drugs or destruction of some sort of property, ha.

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