Friday, July 11, 2008

Where the Secure Guys Are

Women are notoriously insecure. Okay, scratch that. Most women are insecure. The rest are just bitches. Now that we've settled that, let's look at men.

Men have historically been seen as something of a figure of security, strength, blahblahblah. What a load of crap. I think guys are just as insecure as the next chick who is too self-conscious to eat alone at a restaurant.

A friend of mine currently has a dilemma and I shall put forth her dilemma to the public to possibly settle an argument (or spark one). She has started to date a new guy after coming out of a long-term relationship. Things are going well when the ex suddenly decides that he wants to change his mind. Now she is faced with the dilemma of figuring out what to do. Long story short, the real problem is: neither of them will want her to be friends with the other guy should she choose one.

"So you're stuck having to choose between two insecure guys?" I asked, over cheesecake and tea the other night.

"Well, I have to choose one."

"That's like having to choose between the lesser of two evils."

"Well, it's not like there are any secure guys left." she replied.

Hmm, an interesting point. However, it's an interesting point that I intend to prove wrong. I refuse to believe that there are no secure guys left. That is, a guy who is secure in himself that he can trust a woman to have male friends, both exes and platonic, and can go into a relationship knowing she is still friends with her ex and won't think twice about it.

I would hate to think that any friendship, whether it be with a girl or boy, would have to change once you get into a relationship. Why do things have to be moved over to make way for a new person in your life? When you buy a new pair of shoes to add to your over-sized collection, you don't throw an old pair away to make room. YOU GET MR. BIG TO BUILD YOU A BIGGER CLOSET!

An experiment was proposed, which led us to ask random guys at that very coffee shop the ultimate question: Would you date a girl who was still friends with her ex?

My hypothesis: Maybe 20% of guys are secure enough to date a girl who is still friends with her ex. The rest are just bitches.

The experiment didn't just end there. I later went bowling and asked a couple random guys there as well (Awesome way to meet new guys, y/n?). The verdict?

Out of the approximate 10 guys that night, like, 2 guys said yes. And one said maybe.

In conclusion, about 70% of guys are bitches.

Of course, this was in no way a 'good' experiment carried out. The guys that were asked were picked at random (re: hot and hopefully single) and restricted to a coffee shop and bowling alley (social and 'athletic'). They probably had personal reasons for each of their answers. Some might have been scorned before and had bad experiences. The rest of the 'no' crew were probably insecure and think women are promiscuous polygamous sluts (not totally far from the truth...?).

So where are all the secure guys? This just made me realize it would be this much harder to find a guy who will not give me shit for having male friends or who won't insist on going out with me every time I want to go to a club.

Is it right to just settle then? Perhaps we could make light of this and welcome these 'flawed' people into our love lives. Over time, they could learn to be more secure with themselves through someone else (without being too dependent). After all, what's the harm in teaching one another? These guys have got to learn to be more secure with themselves from somewhere, and it can start with being with secure women who can show them the way.


Paul Kishimoto said...

I hope I was marked in the 'maybe' column.

There are a couple of problems here. You say "both exes and platonic," without realizing that an ex is not truly an ex until (s)he can be considered platonic. Put another way, few people know how to properly end a relationship. They believe they can hop a little fence and be on the "other side," where the grass is platonic but still very green. A true breakup involves separation and hardship, and one should have no expectation of coming out of it with a friendship at all similar to the actual relationship. "We can still hang out," is a lie.

Rather than being innately insecure, I think a lot of people are wary of stepping into the emotional minefield that is a new partner who hasn't actually wrapped up his or her last relationship, but only believes (s)he has. Regardless of how secure or insecure I am, it is a needless headache for me to deal with a girl who won't admit she still harbours romantic feelings for a recent ex. Even if I do my best to care for such a person, that self-deception she is practicing will make her reaction to my normal behaviour erratic and unpredictable at best, sabotaging our relationship before it has a fair chance of getting started.

A 18-month relationship of mine ended suddenly when the girl returned to her previous boyfriend, whom she had broken up with 6 months prior to meeting me. I was sufficiently trusting to make no comment on her occasionally seeing him up to the point that he demanded she return to him; in the end being "secure" gave me little benefit. As they say: once bitten, twice shy.

Kathy said...

Where romantic feelings are involved, I don't think anyone can ever be 100% secure. I think many people (myself included) just learn to get over it and be trusting (trust does not equal security).

And -- for me at least -- it's not the issue of my significant other seeing or hanging out with an ex par se. It's the question of _why_ he/she would want to. Are there still feelings? Sexual? Emotional? Dare I say it -- love?

Love and romance are not things that are so black and white, and when things are grey... I don't know. I would be wary of a guy who didn't harbour _any_ insecurity if I wanted to 'hang out' with an ex, especially one that I have been in love with. Here, being not insecure is not good. I think, anyways. What do I know? :P

I don't know, Lil. Being secure is good in the same way that being happy is good. But insecurity, like sadness, aren't completely undesirable things. I wouldn't want someone who was happy _all_ the time... and I wouldn't want someone who was secure all the time either.

Anonymous said...

Paul is right... his securities and insecurities will neither work if one chooses to leave. Also as he says it is a double edge sword, trying to stand ones ground and bring up "trust" issues. However Paul, i believe that the route you took being secure only shows that you had faith in her for her indecisions.

As for Kathy, seeing someone you've cared for so much in the past isnt a bad thing... its juss a catch up, talk, to know that they are well is good. Now if as Paul says about "harbouring" feelings... thats something entirely different.

I finally believe that Kathy is wrong: Insecurity (in terms of this topic) IS trust. You've left your heart with another person and trust that they do not break it so. The only way for this to all end is for Lil to be betrayed, and all her defenses will rise and her heart will be broken and the her insecurities will surface.
The answer to where all secure guys are.
1. They are in the produce aisle of the supermarkets,
2. they're every guy... its just that you've got to get them to trust you first whole-heartedly.

The last advice I can give you is to build a relationship where both hearts will break as if they're one. That way the other party will be able to feel your pain as well...

One secure woman.
-Heidi Woodrow

A Concerned Citizen said...

That is, a guy who is secure in himself that he can trust a woman to have male friends, both exes and platonic, and can go into a relationship knowing she is still friends with her ex and won't think twice about it.

A guy who can do that either doesn't care about the relationship or is just ignornant of things.

I can be "secure" in my driving, I can be "secure" in my girlfriend's driving but I still wear a seatbelt and I still have auto insurance. Its other drivers and other things (e.g. the weather) that I can't control that I don't trust.

I would hate to think that any friendship, whether it be with a girl or boy, would have to change once you get into a relationship

I find it hard to see how it doesn't. You spend alot of time with the person. You won't go out with someone else or act like you are on the market because you are with someone else. You have "obligations" when you are in a relationship.