tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17079049.post416039241663179434..comments2023-10-26T06:48:23.914-04:00Comments on The Eternal Sunshine of My Spotless Mind: Where the Secure Guys AreUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17079049.post-65825015740010327302008-07-13T14:17:00.000-04:002008-07-13T14:17:00.000-04:00That is, a guy who is secure in himself that he ca...<I>That is, a guy who is secure in himself that he can trust a woman to have male friends, both exes and platonic, and can go into a relationship knowing she is still friends with her ex and won't think twice about it.</I><BR/><BR/>A guy who can do that either doesn't care about the relationship or is just ignornant of things. <BR/><BR/>I can be "secure" in my driving, I can be "secure" in my girlfriend's driving but I still wear a seatbelt and I still have auto insurance. Its other drivers and other things (e.g. the weather) that I can't control that I don't trust.<BR/><BR/><I>I would hate to think that any friendship, whether it be with a girl or boy, would have to change once you get into a relationship</I><BR/><BR/>I find it hard to see how it doesn't. You spend alot of time with the person. You won't go out with someone else or act like you are on the market because you are with someone else. You have "obligations" when you are in a relationship.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17079049.post-20460744021504832262008-07-12T03:36:00.000-04:002008-07-12T03:36:00.000-04:00Paul is right... his securities and insecurities w...Paul is right... his securities and insecurities will neither work if one chooses to leave. Also as he says it is a double edge sword, trying to stand ones ground and bring up "trust" issues. However Paul, i believe that the route you took being secure only shows that you had faith in her for her indecisions. <BR/><BR/>As for Kathy, seeing someone you've cared for so much in the past isnt a bad thing... its juss a catch up, talk, to know that they are well is good. Now if as Paul says about "harbouring" feelings... thats something entirely different.<BR/><BR/>I finally believe that Kathy is wrong: Insecurity (in terms of this topic) IS trust. You've left your heart with another person and trust that they do not break it so. The only way for this to all end is for Lil to be betrayed, and all her defenses will rise and her heart will be broken and the her insecurities will surface. <BR/>The answer to where all secure guys are. <BR/>1. They are in the produce aisle of the supermarkets, <BR/>2. they're every guy... its just that you've got to get them to trust you first whole-heartedly.<BR/><BR/>The last advice I can give you is to build a relationship where both hearts will break as if they're one. That way the other party will be able to feel your pain as well... <BR/><BR/>One secure woman.<BR/>-Heidi WoodrowAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17079049.post-51630573147236566162008-07-11T10:38:00.000-04:002008-07-11T10:38:00.000-04:00Where romantic feelings are involved, I don't thin...Where romantic feelings are involved, I don't think anyone can ever be 100% secure. I think many people (myself included) just learn to get over it and be trusting (trust does not equal security). <BR/><BR/>And -- for me at least -- it's not the issue of my significant other seeing or hanging out with an ex par se. It's the question of _why_ he/she would want to. Are there still feelings? Sexual? Emotional? Dare I say it -- love? <BR/><BR/>Love and romance are not things that are so black and white, and when things are grey... I don't know. I would be wary of a guy who didn't harbour _any_ insecurity if I wanted to 'hang out' with an ex, especially one that I have been in love with. Here, being not insecure is not good. I think, anyways. What do I know? :P<BR/><BR/>I don't know, Lil. Being secure is good in the same way that being happy is good. But insecurity, like sadness, aren't completely undesirable things. I wouldn't want someone who was happy _all_ the time... and I wouldn't want someone who was secure all the time either.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17079049.post-44732626353069054872008-07-11T10:19:00.000-04:002008-07-11T10:19:00.000-04:00I hope I was marked in the 'maybe' column.There ar...I hope I was marked in the 'maybe' column.<BR/><BR/>There are a couple of problems here. You say "both exes and platonic," without realizing that an ex is not truly an ex until (s)he can be considered platonic. Put another way, few people know how to properly end a relationship. They believe they can hop a little fence and be on the "other side," where the grass is platonic but still very green. A <EM>true</EM> breakup involves separation and hardship, and one should have no expectation of coming out of it with a friendship at all similar to the actual relationship. "We can still hang out," is a lie.<BR/><BR/>Rather than being innately insecure, I think a lot of people are wary of stepping into the emotional minefield that is a new partner who hasn't <EM>actually</EM> wrapped up his or her last relationship, but only <EM>believes</EM> (s)he has. Regardless of how secure or insecure I am, it is a needless headache for me to deal with a girl who won't admit she still harbours romantic feelings for a recent ex. Even if I do my best to care for such a person, that self-deception she is practicing will make her reaction to my <EM>normal</EM> behaviour erratic and unpredictable at best, sabotaging our relationship before it has a fair chance of getting started.<BR/><BR/>A 18-month relationship of mine ended suddenly when the girl returned to her previous boyfriend, whom she had broken up with 6 months prior to meeting me. I was sufficiently trusting to make no comment on her occasionally seeing him up to the point that he demanded she return to him; in the end being "secure" gave me little benefit. As they say: once bitten, twice shy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com