Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once? I am one of those me-lo-dramatic fools: neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it.
-Green Day "Basket Case"
Can anyone really get over a heartbreak? This thought came to me the other day while I was having dinner with Kaitlyn. I realized time and space somehow puts it all into perspective. The initial breathtaking hurt somehow fades and becomes a memory. The hurt is still there, but you don't feel it until you manage to remember it.
However, just like first loves and the like, it stays with you forever. Oh well. Just suck it up and barrel on. Note to self: Must. Get. Back. To. Active. Regime. I'm starting to get a little lazy and a little soft. Ugh.
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A bunch of people, myself included, from one of my Creative Writing classes have begun a Writing Group. I guess it's kinda like a Book Club, but it's more about perfecting our crafts rather than contemplating what we thought of a book we read.
We had our first 'meeting' a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty enjoyable, I must say. I didn't think I would be into these kinda things but surprisingly it was very helpful and kinda fun. I don't know if it's because I barely know these people or the fact that we get together to focus on a common hobby. We focus on one aspect of writing per meeting and also review and critique pieces of each other's works. I can't wait for the next meeting. What can I say? I'm a writing geek.
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The other day I went bra-shopping and to my horror, I discovered I am now a C-Cup. I was so used to and content with being a B-Cup for so long that this new found chest size frightens me. To me, B-Cup is the perfect size. It's not small, it's not big. Clothes look better (that is, clothes look the way the designers intended them to look: for small-chested, frail body types). B-Cups just say, "modest; sexy but perhaps innocent".
C-Cups, however, say to me "promiscuous and proud".
Last night I went to a pirate-themed party on a ship. Now, how many people can say they've done that? For sure, 250 people who were there last night can, that's who.
The evening began when I accompanied Jeff and Justin to Value Village to put together costumes. Honestly, I should be like, head of costume design for something because I'm just a genius when it comes to putting together ensembles. After about half an hour of cruising the Women's section and a quick trip to Dollarama, the boys each obtained some spectacular items for their awesome pirate costumes.
Long story short, the party was awesome and we looked so good, girls were hitting on us (yes, even me!)! Once again, I reiterate my love of themed parties. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH, Matey!
^We look like we're going to a comic book convention^Tramp stamp^Pirate of the Carribean^Attempt at shot of boat with pirates Take 1^Attempt at shot of boat with pirates Take 2^Finally^Damn straight
In my line of work, I come across all types of different people. Of course you're going to find interesting characters when you work in a law office. Some will piss you off, some will be oh-so-grateful for the work you do for them (and they express that gratitude in cash sometimes). And some will inevitably hit on me.
I've learned there's a lot of different people out there in the Real World. Some of these types include cheating husbands (like, really, if you're married and you know I know you're married, why bother hitting on me?), money launderers and dumbasses. So many dumbasses.
There are only a few rare people who have seen me as two different people: Work Lil and Real Lil. Work Lil is nothing like Real Lil.
Work Lil puts on an act where she pretends she likes everyone, is content with doing anything and loves the work she does. Even when times get tough, she will grin and bear it. Work Lil is everything Real Lil hates: fake, submissive, nice.
This is why I hate mixing business with pleasure. I have introduced some friends to my work, but for business purposes mainly. I've never really had the real conflict of mixing business with pleasure until recently. A client was actually brave enough to ask me out.
At first I laughed it off and said we could if I could squeeze it into my busy schedule. However, he's been quite persistent and it's come to a point where I would have to sit down and really think about this.
I once contemplated dating a co-worker before. Well, he's not really a co-worker. He just works on my floor for a totally different office. I don't think that would've been so bad, because he comes into the office once in awhile (which also kinda sucks because he looks like Wentworth Miller). Too bad I've been too shy to really say anything to him besides 'Hey'.
I've even also contemplated dating another lawyer. Before you start thinking 'Eewwwww' and picture graying men in suits, think again. It isn't so far-fetched for lawyers to be only a few years older than me. If you think about it, some are just finishing their articling and are opening their own practices now(yup, I'm that old). I would have to cross that road if I should ever come to it, but that right there would be an interesting situation but might draw up some conflict of interest issues.
Now, dating a client. I've contemplated with my boss about this issue and she said it's fine as long as their file has been completed. However, I still have that nagging feeling in the back of my head that there is still a conflict of interest. Even though a file is closed, the lawyer is technically supposed to hold on to the file for at least 7 years. Not to mention I know all their confidential legal stuff (heehee). Is this only weird to me? It seems like it is.
As of now, I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Also, if I even want to go out with this guy. I don't think I will be reporting my conclusion should I decide to go out with him because it will most definitely breach some sort of client-firm confidentiality. However, I will leave it at this: I can't help but think that when someone dates a client, there's still a 'professional' aspect to the personal relationship because of the way one conducts them self. Getting into a personal relationship with a client is like getting into a professional relationship with a client. Except you're paid in meals and gifts.
Women are notoriously insecure. Okay, scratch that. Most women are insecure. The rest are just bitches. Now that we've settled that, let's look at men.
Men have historically been seen as something of a figure of security, strength, blahblahblah. What a load of crap. I think guys are just as insecure as the next chick who is too self-conscious to eat alone at a restaurant.
A friend of mine currently has a dilemma and I shall put forth her dilemma to the public to possibly settle an argument (or spark one). She has started to date a new guy after coming out of a long-term relationship. Things are going well when the ex suddenly decides that he wants to change his mind. Now she is faced with the dilemma of figuring out what to do. Long story short, the real problem is: neither of them will want her to be friends with the other guy should she choose one.
"So you're stuck having to choose between two insecure guys?" I asked, over cheesecake and tea the other night.
"Well, I have to choose one."
"That's like having to choose between the lesser of two evils."
"Well, it's not like there are any secure guys left." she replied.
Hmm, an interesting point. However, it's an interesting point that I intend to prove wrong. I refuse to believe that there are no secure guys left. That is, a guy who is secure in himself that he can trust a woman to have male friends, both exes and platonic, and can go into a relationship knowing she is still friends with her ex and won't think twice about it.
I would hate to think that any friendship, whether it be with a girl or boy, would have to change once you get into a relationship. Why do things have to be moved over to make way for a new person in your life? When you buy a new pair of shoes to add to your over-sized collection, you don't throw an old pair away to make room. YOU GET MR. BIG TO BUILD YOU A BIGGER CLOSET!
An experiment was proposed, which led us to ask random guys at that very coffee shop the ultimate question: Would you date a girl who was still friends with her ex?
My hypothesis: Maybe 20% of guys are secure enough to date a girl who is still friends with her ex. The rest are just bitches.
The experiment didn't just end there. I later went bowling and asked a couple random guys there as well (Awesome way to meet new guys, y/n?). The verdict?
Out of the approximate 10 guys that night, like, 2 guys said yes. And one said maybe.
In conclusion, about 70% of guys are bitches.
Of course, this was in no way a 'good' experiment carried out. The guys that were asked were picked at random (re: hot and hopefully single) and restricted to a coffee shop and bowling alley (social and 'athletic'). They probably had personal reasons for each of their answers. Some might have been scorned before and had bad experiences. The rest of the 'no' crew were probably insecure and think women are promiscuous polygamous sluts (not totally far from the truth...?).
So where are all the secure guys? This just made me realize it would be this much harder to find a guy who will not give me shit for having male friends or who won't insist on going out with me every time I want to go to a club.
Is it right to just settle then? Perhaps we could make light of this and welcome these 'flawed' people into our love lives. Over time, they could learn to be more secure with themselves through someone else (without being too dependent). After all, what's the harm in teaching one another? These guys have got to learn to be more secure with themselves from somewhere, and it can start with being with secure women who can show them the way.
Today I was at Lululemon buying some ridiculously over-priced pants. As I was getting measured, I realized how... 'comfortable' I felt. Maybe a little too comfortable. Was it the pants? Or was it the nice ticklish feeling of having my pants measured?
I was a little disappointed when the chick was done measuring.
I've been quite neglectful, I know, but rightfully so. I posted my last post a few minutes ago, even though it's dated over a month ago. I've had it sitting in my Drafts for awhile because I was still uploading all the picture from Konrad's party. I still haven't finished but I give up.
However, I haven't given up on life, so don't worry. I know the last post I uploaded over a month ago seemed a little daunting, emo and morbid but don't worry. I'm still breathing. Barely.
So what have I been doing in the past month that has prevented me from updating regularly? Well for one, I really needed to step back on 'reflecting' on my life and decided to just live it. This was me living it the past month:
Work.
I went to Hawaii. I'm really, really, really glad I went, especially in the mood I've been in the past 6 months. I think I realized after 6 months of feeling like absolutely shit, put me in a situation in which I needed to get far, far away and really get away from everything to contemplate. I will go into more details about Hawaii in another long post, but needless to say, Hawaii has definitely changed me and for the better. It kinda put my life into perspective and it gave me time to enjoy and respect other things like beautiful Mother Nature than my own silly problems.
Work.
As soon as I came back from Hawaii, a week later I went camping. I got some awful bug bites, and went back to hating Mother Nature. Briefly.
Work.
Finally finished my first Creative Writing courses. Between work and my other recreational commitments, I had to find time to write my final articles for Arts Journalism, and attempt to complete my final writing assignment for Intro to Creative Writing. They weren't particularly long pieces that took up most of my time, it was more of the will to write and the Wrtier's Block I was experiencing for a month. Needless to say, I got it done. So much so that my book-in-progress was well-received by my class and that has given me motivation to keep writing.
Work.
Went to Meg's cottage for a couple days, came back last night and danced for 6 hours.
So you see, I haven't really had time to sit and feel sorry for myself, which is probably why my mood and outlook have been a bit more optimistic lately. I've gotten my libido back and I think my self-esteem is getting a bit better. I've stopped wearing Chanel black nail polish and I've discovered a more peachy mood colour in Nars' Orgasm. I've discovered I have a liking to German emo music and electro-pop and that's my new mantra. I know I still have a loonnnng way to go but I just have to take it one step at a time.
So I thought I'd take this time to write this post and explain myself (to anyone who really cares). I've missed writing so I will try and keep doing it as much as I can, since lately I've found it hard to make time for anything, including breathe. I'm really grateful for the friends who have kept me busy. The talks, the drinks, the walks, the encouragement, the advice, the distraction. Secretly, you guys are helping with giving me the will to want to be me without even realizing it. Thank you.
