Grasping to control, so I better hold on...

I've decided that I'm currently sick of the rut I'm in. I believe I've hit an all-time low right now. I know I can't change my past, so I will do my damn well best to alter my future before I am forever in this dark mood I've been in since the beginning of the year.

I've realized certain things in the past month:

1. I *heart* New York. And not in that yuppy tourism way. I really love it there. I think I will try to make it my annual trip thing and be a part-time New Yorker. My retreat, if you will. I love the atmosphere, the people, the pretentiousness, the dirty and yes, even the subways are 'charming'. With so many people with bigger problems, yours seems so petty. And dammit, I will know my way around New York City with my eyes closed one of these days.

2. I need to go back to doing what I like to do because that was when I was happiest. For example, writing and dance. It's impossible to do both at the same time (haha, I'm picturing myself doing it right now), so in the first instance, I have signed up for a Creative Writing program at the University of Toronto. It's going to be a bitch working and going to school at the same time again but I hope it's work-intensive and keeps my mind off of other things. It was kind of a spontaneous idea but I handed over my credit card and am forking over the thousands of dollars to do this with (hopefully) no regret.

As for dance, I will start up dance classes again in addition to trying out for the Toronto Argonauts Cheerleading Team. Yep, a cheerleading team. Why, of all people, would I join a cheerleading team, where I will have to force a smile at every game (and practice) and lower my self-esteem even more by trying out with beautiful women (and friends) setting myself up for rejection? I don't know, I like to see how low I can go, I guess. But I like the dance aspect of it (not to mention the football part) and it sounds like fun. Even if I don't make it, at least I could say I once tried out for a cheerleading squad of a national team. Ha. This also means I have to 'workout' in the next couple of weeks because they require bare mid-drifts and tight ass-pants (notice I didn't say 'tight-ass pants'). Yay.

3. I need a car. As much as I like it and rely on it, public transportation will not be able to take me to all the things I want to do in the amount of time I have, in the different cities I have to be in. So, I am currently in the market for a vehicle. Preferably an Acura RSX, but I know these days, my luck never seems to see a good day. So any other non-ugly, non-Korean manual transmission automobile under $10k and no more than 4-years old car will suffice. Preferably in black or white. I've commissioned the services of Yuri (car fiend) and April (licensed car dealer) to help me find one. Let's hope I don't end up with a lemon. That reminds me: I gotta get my full license this Spring and master manual driving.

So yeah, I guess you could say big things will be poppin' for me, mainly because I have to force it. I hope all this work is worth it.

I can't waste time, so give it a moment

I realize, nothing's broken

No need to worry 'bout everything I've done

Live every second like it was my last one

Don't look back got a new direction

I loved you once, needed protection

You're still a part of everything I do

You're on my heart just like a tattoo