Sunday, September 14, 2008

I Put On for My City but not you ... just yet.

I got my hair re-dyed yesterday at the salon with Jez. Ack, it's really blonde, it's like, platinum blonde. It's so blonde, it's almost white. Like Storm from X-Men White. I hope it either fades a little or that I get used to it over time.

So I've been seeing someone for the past couple of weeks. To be honest, I don't really like saying 'seeing', because it makes the whole thing seem ... final, like, I've limited myself. But I guess if you've gone on several dates with someone, that is technically what it's called.

Perhaps it's a mix of my fierce independence and sluttiness, but I feel like I'm hopelessly seeing my 'free agent' status slipping away. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know if it's a good thing either because I really don't know how I feel. For many, people take things slow physically in order to get emotionally involved with someone. I think this is because they associate physical-ness with emotions.

I think I've been deprived of this concept because I am the opposite. I think I've learned to disassociate the physical from emotion for so long, they are not analogous. That is, at the beginning of a *gulp* relationship (ugh, that word!!). I usually don't associate them until I'm into someone emotionally and that usually doesn't evolve for a long time. Yeah, I don't really wear my heart on my sleeve. It's sitting deep down in my pocket, under a pile of good and bad memories.

Everyone has asked me if I like this guy, but to be honest, I can't give a truthful answer because I really don't know. I can't tell after a couple dates and several rendez-vous'. I can't tell after a month of talking. I can't tell after over a year of knowing each other. I admire those who can identify their feelings right away, but I can't help but wonder if they're being truthful when they say they like someone (more than friends) they hardly know.

You like them? You like how they look? You look how they carry themselves? You like how they look on paper? You like how they are in bed? You like their car? You like their family? You like how they make you look?

Just like how I don't throw the Other L Word around that easily, I can't give up Like as if it's just another word. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just that selfish.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about seeing someone and not knowing how u feel about them. maybe it has to do with feelings you're harboring toward someone else still?

Kathy said...

I admire those who can identify their feelings right away, but I can't help but wonder if they're being truthful when they say they like someone (more than friends) they hardly know.

Both "like" and "love" mean different things to different people. In some cases, very different. When people say those words, I believe that they believe that they feel that way, but it might not agree with what how I feel when I say those words... if only words that conveyed feelings had an emotional standard to which one's own emotions could be compared, we wouldn't have this problem of subjectivity!