Sunday, April 13, 2008

Love Actually

I recently had a great trip down memory lane. And by 'great', I mean 'awkward' and by 'memory lane', I mean 'the once-existent love life memory lane'.

I contacted C the other day. I didn't want to have to talk to him in the circumstances I did, but I felt I had the obligation to, circumstances of which I won't bore you with. I make it a point to not cut off contact with 'exes' (the little that I have and consider) for certain reasons: to not make it seem that our relationship was a waste of a friendship, to keep tabs on them, to see how much better I'm doing without them, etc..

However, C is different. In the past, our contacts with each other always ended up in a cycle of tension/lust/anger/hostility/love. This is why we never really remained 'friends'. To this day, I don't really understand why we can't just be friends and not go through that tension/lust/anger/hostility/love cycle. I hate to admit, but it is slightly true when they say you can't really be friends with exes. I think you can't be friends with certain exes: you can only be friends with exes who didn't feel the exact same way you did.

Unrequited loves, casual relationships, lovers-and-friends, and maybe, just maybe short relationships that ended amicable and mutual can last into actual friendships. But hardly the ones with too much off-and-on. Never the ones with the raw passion between two people. Never the ones you thought were The One.

Contacting C was nerve-racking, heart-wrenching and palm-sweating but I got through it. Even if it was done through Facebook. I don't think he enjoyed the circumstances to my phone call because he kinda yelled at me, but what could I do but just take it? I was used to arguing with him but this time it was kind of different. I guess he felt some sense of pleasure in rubbing it in my face that his two-year relationship with his girlfriend was a prime example as to how my lifestyle is foolish, garbage and immature. At least, that's how I felt after I talked to him. Nevertheless, it was good hearing his voice.

I would like to believe that people once in love with each other can remain friends even if they cannot be together. How can such a strong, intimate relationship dissolve into absentia and near-stranger relationships? Being in love is such an inexplicably wonderful thing. Why can't being in love turn into just love? I know that they are two different things but how can two words be the same but not be the same?

I wish I could be friends with C again. Sometimes I'll come across something that I wish could share with him but there's no one else I can share it with and then I start to think about him. Maybe even miss him a little. Although he has his own very different life than me and we are better off not being around each other, I wish I could be part of his life again. I suppose once in love, always in love.

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