Hihihihihi!

Hellloooo from NEW YORK! Actually, I'm in New Jersey now. I was in NYC for the past three days and lo-oved it! I think I shall seriously consider moving and become a New Yorker. I don't think there's one thing I don't like about it.

I'll post some pictures but I should first rewind. I haven't been at a computer, or I should say, online, for the longest time because I was super busy before coming here. Not to mention the last minute ticket-getting and all, I also had a concert the day right before my flight. I know, I know. My dad says I tend to burn two ends of a candle all the time. A concert and then leave right after? I'm ridiculous. But I'm fantastic when it comes to planning like this.

I was excited to hear that finally one of my favourite oversea bands was finally coming to North America (BoA, I'm still waiting!). However, I really underestimated Tokio Hotel's popularity in Canada, let alone North America. The doors were set to open at 7 pm so I figured, "Eh, we'll get there at 7. It's not like it's going to be packed..."

...WRONG!! Firstly, I had originally purchased two tickets but then a week before the concert, I wanted to get another one for Whitney. I really wish I didn't procrastinate (although, in my defense, I was swamped with trying to finish everything at work before I left and trying to secure plane tickets for the trip simultaneously) because I did not anticipate the concert being sold out. WHAT?! Who the hell knows about a little band from Germany? Turns out the internet is quite a powerful little tool.

The concert was last Sunday night and it was bitterly cold. I regretted opting out of wearing Uggs at the last minute because when we got there, there was a massive line up. I truly thank Mel for coming with me because I don't know a.) how I would've gotten there, b.) how I could've beared staying out in that cold for 45 minutes before they let us in, c.) I could've taken awesome pictures while I was watching the show, and d.) how I could've made some money off some girlie yuppies (I'll explain later). Thanks, Little Sister. :) Although, she did say she wanted to go to look at the 'freak show' that is the lead singer, Bil Kauvitz.

When we finally got in, I got a look at the fans that showed up and it was what I had feared: teen-aged girls. Screaming teen-aged girls. Screaming, skanky teen-aged girls. And their mothers. Ugghhh. Why couldn't they have been mature fans, who applaud, not scream?

The concert itself was quite good. They sang all the songs I favoured from their new English album and even some of the German versions. The concert was short, but good. I really don't know how it could've gone on longer anyway. Those screaming girls don't have that much of a lung capacity, do they? These chicks were hardcore. They sang along to every song, even the German versions.

At the end of the concert, in true rock-form style, the band members through their towels and water bottles into the crowd. Mel, being the giant that she is, managed to catch a used towel from the bassist.

Now, I have to stop and say this. Being at that concert was like Beetlemania. I was once a young girl with marital yearnings of certain band members in my hay day, so I could somewhat feel empathetic to most of the girls in the concert. But let's be clear: I'm 24 now. I'm not attracted to any of the band members (who, might I add, are barely legal). I just like their music and I like looking at freak shows. There were several chicks (several young chicks with their mothers) who actually came all the way from Europe!

So the towel Mel caught was a little bit exciting. But because I'm 24, I knew better and I know a used towel, no matter whose sweat is on it, is still a used towel. I didn't want to take the filthy thing home but I didn't want to just throw it away. So I found some girls hanging out outside of the club and told them it was the guitarist's towel, when really it was the bassist's. Why did I lie? Because I knew the guitarist was more popular and I figured I could get more money for it. Haha, yeah I know, I have no shame. Honestly, those girls are lucky I didn't scam them out of more than $20 because in about 10 years they'll realize how foolish it is to buy a used towel (or I'll realize that towel is worth $10,000).

Anyway, I'm going back to NYC now.

^Young, skanky German chicks

^Idiot with a huge sign in front of me

^Inexplicable hair

^This guy has the biggest ego and you could so tell with the way he was performing

^Rock out with your cock out

^You're welcome, ladies

New York New York

Next week I'm leaving on a jet plane to fabulous New York City. Why? To see family, to shop, to take a break, mostly to just get away from here, to be honest. It was kind of a last-minute decision and I'm still finalizing the plans.

I can't wait. I can't wait to get on that plane. I can't wait to get my passport stamped. I can't wait to set foot at La Guardia. I can't wait to see my cousins. I can't wait to see the three (yes, three!) Broadway shows my cousin and aunt have set up for me. I can't wait to go to Saks (the actual one on 5th Avenue). I can't wait to take the subway. I can't wait to take in that city-polluted air. I can't wait to go and not look back, not even a glance.

It's really too bad Fashion Week ends this Friday, otherwise I'd definitely try to get into some shows. Aw man, New York Fashion Week is the best because it has most of my favourite designers. Oh well. We can't have it all, most of all, me.

Anyway, enough about New York for now. I don't want to jinx it until my travel agent calls me tomorrow and I hear her say "You're booked" and my Visa is charged. Yippee.

Doctor Mom

My birthday finally ended today. I just had a pretty awesome dinner with the ladies tonight (thanks for the Coach purse!!). We went to the most expensive restaurant in Toronto, CANOE, which is at the top of the TD Canada Trust building. I remember having a job interview there with a large law firm and I'm glad I didn't get it. The office is on like, the zillionth floor, and riding the elevator everyday would be like riding a rollercoaster. *barf*

Today I also went to see my doctor for the first time in eight years. The secretary even mentioned she had quite the task of finding my file, which was probably all the way in their dusty archives. Why did I decide to go to the doctor's after almost a decade? Well, I figured with all this hubbub about family doctors dropping like flies in Canada, I decided to drop by and remind my doctor that I'm still alive. Also, I had come up with a couple of health questions over the last eight years that I needed answers to.

However, I think I now need to change my doctor. My mom got me this white female doctor because (1) I needed to 'graduate' from my pediatrician and (2) she thought getting a female doctor would be more helpful if I had...certain problems. Haha, I still remember having the argument with her about how a doctor cannot reveal my medical records to her just because she was my mother and she was furious. I kinda wish I had a young, hip, [possibly hot] male doctor. For one, I don't think they would be as judgmental about anyone's sex life, especially a female's, as a female doctor would.

Just like how you shouldn't lie to your lawyer, I didn't want to lie to my doctor. She asked me the tough questions, I gave her the straight up answers. Her reactions were, in not so many words, judgmental. At least, that's how I felt. The answers I gave were, let's just say, not so favourable, she frowned, she told me that I shouldn't have done it, all I could do was shrug.

"Do you use condoms every time?"

"Uh..."

Frown.

"You should use condoms every single time."

"Yeah, I know..."

"Any reasons why you wouldn't use a condom every time?"

Shrug.

Honestly, what kind of question is that?

There were more questions and I gave her more sheepish answers. I felt like Samantha from Sex and the City when she went to go get that HIV test and the doctor asks her all those questions. I'm not as bad as Samantha, but my doctor made me feel like it. You would think she probably hears all kinds of crazy stories, probably far worse than mine. Or maybe most of her patients are children. I felt like I was talking to a less freaked out version of my mother.

She asked me to make an appointment again with her shortly. I made the appointment for eight years from now.

I know there's like some sort of doctor shortage, but how hard do you think it will be to find a hot, young male doctor in the Mississauga area? Hm?

I Remember... too much

As I was waiting for the subway home, I saw a poster reading: "Sad and Lonely? You may be depressed...".

The thing that caught my eye on the advertisement was not only the the 'sad and lonely?' part, but I was a little surprised when I read 'depressed'. DEPRESSED. What a word. It felt like receiving an exam you thought you did well on, only to discover you failed.

If I am feeling sad and lonely, could I be *gulp* depressed? I know it says that I may be depressed, but just the possibility is like saying sitting in front of the computer for a long time may give you cancer. You don't want to hear it but the reality of it is, it's not totally out of reach.

I can't be depressed I used to think that for one to be depressed, they would have to be in a constant state of sadness, because the circumstances around them are seemingly hopeless and pessimistic. I also associate 'depression' as a little melodramatic way of emphasizing the stuff that 'sucks' in one's life. However, I have been feeling lower than I've ever felt before (or as far as I can remember) and it's hard to fathom when/if it will last.

But let us examine the meaning of 'depression' a little closely and a little more 'professionally'. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "depression" as, "(1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies".

That subway advertisement really got me thinking: Could I be depressed? It's so melodramatic of me to even ask that, but I would like to understand how I'm feeling right now and most of all, when it will last. Let's break it down:

State of feeling sad? Hm, I guess you could say I do feel an overwhelming sadness as of the start of this year. And I guess you could say I've been in a 'state' of being sad because I can't remember the last time I was truly happy (actually I can, and that was last year).

Inactivity? Well I have been trying to be inactive, but stuff keeps coming up that forces me to be active: yoga, certain birthdays, other people needing company (and my not wanting to let them down). Does wanting inactivity count as inactivity?

Difficulty in thinking and concentration? Sometimes I do try to think of things that aren't relevant to what brings me down, but my mind tends to drift back to it and I torture myself with scenarios that may/may not/have yet to have happened. I kinda blame listening to sad music for this.

Significant increase or decrease in appetite? Definitely increase. Significant? I usually eat like a bird. Lately I've been in eating like a squirrel. Time spent sleeping? Oddly enough, I've spent less time sleeping.

Feelings of dejection and hopelessness? YES and YES.

Sometimes suicidal tendencies? Definitely not. I don't think I've ever felt something was that bad that I needed to off myself. No, definitely no. However, recently I've had stronger feelings of risk-taking and less inhibitions in which I'm not as scared about harming myself as I once was.

I find it a bit odd to associate feelings of both sadness and loneliness to depression. What is it to be sad? To never feeling happiness? Constant feelings of wanting to cry? Hating to see other people happy but at the same time wishing for them to be happy? I honestly sometimes feel either or both of those things, but they come and go. So I'm not really in a 'state' of sadness.

I do tend to find things that cheer me up once in awhile (like new shoes!) but it doesn't always last. As for loneliness, I do feel lonely but I feel selfish for saying that. I feel selfish because I really don't have a reason to say I'm lonely when I am definitely not lacking in companionship and I most definitely don't feel like being in any sort of relationship right now, serious, casual or sexual. However, I think I feel lonely in a sense that I feel alone as to how I feel and how I comprehend the way things are for me, like the shit I deal with that only seems to happen to me. I don't really share a lot of the complicated things that go through my head because it would be a long-winded ramble that no one would want to try and understand (for example, this entry). A lot of people think they know what's better for me than I know myself, and perhaps that is true, but it's not completely true.

I think it would take quite a bit of time spent in the above-noted circumstances in order for one to become depressed because during that time those symptoms become more severe. I really can't tell if I'm depressed yet and I guess me trying to self-diagnose myself does not help. Also, it would have to be that every aspect of One's life encompasses all those symptoms of depression, like in work, family, friends, love, sex, money, etc. Right now it just seems to be my personal life. Work, family and money are A-OK, for now.

I'm just gonna give it some time and see what transpires. There's two ways this can go: (1) whatever I'm feeling now, I will get over, with time. Time heals all wounds, right? Or, (2) everything for me [seemingly] worsens and I do spin into some vortex of sad faces in which there is no help saving me. But whether or not my sordid feelings turn into bigger problems, it helps to first admit there may be a problem.

Casino Royale

So my birthday is officially over. I can't believe it lasted for like, 3 days straight. Gah.

I have to be honest, though. My birthday was bittersweet. I wasn't expecting anything more, anyway. However, it was more sweet than bitter.

Allow me to break it down...

Sweet: Many people were still able to make it, even though I canceled, put it on again, changed the date, and changed it back again. Special thanks goes out to Yuri who emphasized to me that he had to make some serious study adjustments just so he could make it. 143, Yuri.

Bitter: We left Mississauga pretty late on Saturday. Later than I had hoped because I wanted to get there early to get some Poker in before clubbing. I still don't know whose bright idea it was to go to Pho before we left.

Sweet: The hotel suite was AMAZING. It was a very good thing I called days before to confirm I was getting the suite I wanted because they were going to put me in a regular room with 2 Queens. And then they said that I could get my suite but with only one King. I was willing to tolerate it but I was delighted to find out that when I checked in they had put 2 Queens in my suite. The suite was at the end of the hall (away from the other rooms) and our room was not adjacent to any other rooms. It's a good thing too, because we weren't quiet (hell, there was 13 of us!). Also, they gave me a room facing the Falls. BONUS!

Bitter: I ended up canceling bottle service at Dragonfly Nightclub because my main reasons for doing it (Nam and Alex) refused to go to the club and played Poker instead. Bah well.

Sweet: Dragonfly was awesome. It was 21+ crowd, so that meant it was mostly old people, which was nice because it made me feel young[er].

Bitter: I was treading dangerous waters by taking cold medicine and alcohol in a span of 8 hours. Not only that, I lost my voice at Dragonfly, thereby making my sore throat worse.

Sweet: We came back to our suite to our very full fridge of al-co-hol!

Bitter: Finding out Yuri had left in the middle of the night because he was fed up with the 6 other people he had to sleep with who were talking until 6 a.m.!

Sweet: Waking up to the Falls RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

Bitter: Waking up with a mad hangover and a hoarse voice.

Sweet: Finding an All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast bar for $6.99 a block away!

Bitter: The All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Bar we went to was too good to be true. The food was abysmal and their sign was deceiving because we didn't expect the $4-5 juice and milk!

Sweet: We got an extension of our check out time by 3 hours!

Bitter: My parents were going to come up Sunday afternoon but changed their minds which resulted in a shortage of vehicles to get back home. Me and Dev opted to take the bus home.

Sweet: Because we were going to take the bus, we figured we could finally play Poker, which is what we wanted all weekend.

Bitter: Nam tried to kidnap me into driving with 6 people in the car and I made him turn around because I wasn't about to sit in a 2-hour drive with 6 people in one car.

Sweet: Nam and the rest of the car ended up staying to play Poker, too. AND I WON $103 IN POKER! HOLLA!!

Bitter: There's no use in pointing fingers, but when we had to go buy our bus tickets (and we were getting a little scared about not being able to get home), Dev defied my suggestions which resulted in a "I-told-you-so" moment and he ended up having to pay for a cab for us to go from Fallsview to Casino Niagara (loonnnng story). It was basically one of our 'bitter moments' from the weekend as a result of poor, spontaneous planning.

Sweet: Dev and I made it home Sunday night.

Sweet: I don't regret having my birthday party as originally planned.

There were more 'Sweet' moments because they were memorable and funny like when Cuong was the only who got searched at the club ("Why me?!") and when Nam took some stuff from the maid's cart like it was a buffet. And of course, once again having [most of] the people I love who are non-family under one roof, even the ones who make rare appearances (Katie). Hey, my birthday party even evoked a ChinKL reunion (minus Minh) but without the nostalgic reminiscing of our dances. Heehee.

My birthday 'weekend' ended with a fabulous dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse with my boss and getting some gifts from some people our office works with. It's really nice to know that my work is appreciated even if I've only been there for a year and a half. That job satisfaction makes me happy.

The pictures from my camera of this weekend sucked, mostly because of out-of-focus-ness and lack of more pictures. Hopefully Meg will send me more because I know she took some good one. Anyway, deal with these for now...