The Eternal Sunshine of My Spotless Mind

New Home!

2009-02-08T22:09:00.008-05:00

Special thanks to Kishi, for agreeing to host and being more efficient than others *ahem* Konrad *ahem* in getting this up and running. www.fiercewretched.com

P.S. The site may not be safe for work. I'm not gonna lie: there's a picture of an ass plastered all over it and I am not ashamed of it (is it my ass? Hmmm.... ;) ). Just lettin' you know.

Edited to add:

Hmm... it seems Blogger is trying to be a smart-ass and it will not let me link to my new site. Clever, Blogger, clever. People know how to copy and paste.

One person's recession, is another person's investment opportunity

2008-12-04T23:37:00.004-05:00

I have moved to my very own big office, so I've been very busy lately with paint chips, pot lights and furniture-shopping. Sadly, that's been my life for the past few weeks.

Just like the economy, I've pretty much been at a stand still in terms of 'hip and happening' things. I guess you could say the new cup holders I installed in my car has been the most exciting that has happened to me lately (I've been deprived of 'real' cup holders, so I can't possibly expect you to understand). Last weekend, Kathy and I even went to a sale at Gucci (Me: We're going to a Gucci sale. Kathy: Oh, what does Gucci sell? Me: ... *faints*) and I am probably more excited about my new cup holders than my new purse. My life is a fuckin' ball.

However, in light of the oncoming 'Great Depression Part II', I could not be more excited about this recession. I guess you could say the state of the economy has been proportional to my state of being. We're now at our lowest point and we can only go up from here. Just like the recession, once I've hit rock bottom (and I really feel as if I have), there's nothing but a rebound left. Right?

The other day I received some emails at work about some lofts I had been interested in earlier this year and they have lowered prices left, right and center. Ah, a hint of recovery. For me, at least.

I can see next year as my one and only chance to nab some real estate, for reals this time. No more bullshitting. No more lazying. No more missing out on great opportunities and forgetting deadlines to submit crucial bids!! No more yearning for a place to call my own. This is me clawing my way back to normal.

But I am not only happy (at least, I think I am happy) about myself feeling better. No, I'm not that self-absorbed. I am happy that things are looking up for people around me, especially those that I love.

I am happy Dev got the job. I am happy Jez is finally dating a good, decent guy and is not settling for some deadbeat loser to ruin her life. I am happy Konrad's business is doing well. I am happy Vicki got a promotion at work. I am happy Sarah is happy. I am happy Kathy gets to spend our traditional seXmas dinner with us. I am happy I am getting laid (OK, sorry I had to throw that in there. I'm selfish.). I am happy Mel's going to be getting an awesome Xmas gift from me (but then again, my gifts are always awesome). I am happy Wasiq is semi-happy with his new place. I am happy April is doing good business in this economy. I am happy Ish is making stellar money. I am happy Jon has gotten over his fear of driving on highways at night.

I am happy.

AGO a-go-go

2008-11-20T00:11:00.003-05:00

I should be looking forward to weekends, but they have somehow blended into the same hectic-ness of the week. Too much to do, too little time, no end in sight. The past weekend was no exception.

On Saturday, I actually went to the re-opening of the AGO with Mel, Katie and Kathy. I wasn't going to go, but opted to at the last minute. It was quite nice, despite waiting in the rain for half an hour to get in. We spent about 3 hours at the gallery and then had dinner, just like old times. I cherish times where I can just sit and have dinner with friends. Meals with friends seems to be the only chance I get to see/talk/conjugate with someone else besides lawyers, law clerks, clients and the other neanderthals I have to put up with in my daily work grind.

After dinner, I went to Brantford for a party. I don't know why I continue to go to these 'frat' parties. Who am I kidding? I'm 24 (almost fucking 25!) and those days should be over for me. What I really should be doing is staying home and sleeping at a reasonable hour.

As an homage to my Arts Journalism professor, I may as well make the most of my money and do a 'review' of my visit to the re-opening of the newly renovated Art Gallery of Ontario.

The AGO doesn't allow photography in the gallery, so I only took one picture outside the gallery as we waited for half an hour in the rain(!) to get in: my Burberry rainboots a.k.a. money well-friggin'-spent.

THE REVIEW.

So...the re-opening of the Art Gallery of Ontario was this weekend. The AGO was closed for some time for renovations and the re-opening was anticipated for oh, I dunno, a month? To sum it up: a bunch of rich/generous people put in some money to renovate the museum and in turn, hundreds of poor/cheap people took advantage of the free admission the past weekend because that's the only time they'll set foot in an art gallery.

There's not much I can really say on the new AGO. Yes, the new architecture is nice, but it seems that that novelty will wear thin in a few months. Blonde oak and steel is as timeless as shoulder-padded blazers, my friends.

From what I can remember from the old AGO, they've reconstructed the inside of the gallery in a way that sort of reminded me of the galleries I have been to in New York City. Almost. But not quite. Money sort of well-spent.

As far as the collections go, I was impressed. Please don't be surprised that I am that interested in the arts as the next Starbucks-swilling drama freak. I know my Monets from my Manets. I can spot a Pollock a mile away. I can appreciate golf bags shaped as Native American totem poles as much as the next person. I can accept '2 Girls 1 Cup' as 'art'.

I will note that as a Canadian art gallery (and possibly the official art gallery of the province?), the AGO has an impressive collection of Canadiana art (but definitely not as great as the one in Kleinburg) . It's worth a look, especially for those who don't realize what an awesome country we live in.

Chasing 2009

2008-11-16T17:35:00.005-05:00

Lately I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed. Or something.

I can't really describe it. It feels like I'm just on cruise-control and I'm not stopping to consider much of anything. Does that make sense?

I may have mentioned this before, but I absolutely cannot wait for this year to be over. I can't even begin to describe how this year has been for me, but to sum it up: I've been to more funerals than weddings, I've never felt more depressed or bad about myself, I've taken more trips this year than I can remember (bad in a sense that I used them to get away from everything, only to come back to the same shit. But good, in that they were good trips in general), and I've never felt so lost in my life.

There has just been so much that has happened in the past year that I can't really seem to get over, which is probably why I feel 'overwhelmed'. It feels like bad things just seem to get me at every corner and I have to keep running from it.

Or perhaps I'm just running towards something new.

The latest thing to 'get me' the latest review of my last writing piece for UofT. It wasn't that well-received and I have to re-work it quite a bit. As a writer (artist?) it sucks to have your work not well-received by a group of [amateur] writers. I don't even really know what I was expecting because to be honest, I wasn't really feeling it when I wrote it. No time, no inspiration, no light. It just sucks more now because I am moving offices at work and I really don't have the motivation, inspiration or time to revise my work in the next two weeks. Fuckshitsonofabitch!

However, one thing I can look forward to is the end-of-the-year ski trip to Vermont. I am looking forward to, no, counting on, this trip to not only end this horrendous year, but to renew myself for the next year. I am going to use this trip as a vain attempt to try and un-do the past and reset the future. Sound cheesy? Well, that's how desperate I am to do it.

Sick of getting older

2008-11-05T18:53:00.015-05:00

Twenty years from now when someone asks me where I was when the first Black President was elected I will tell them I was lying sick as a dog on my couch.

On Monday, I started to feel ill with a severe sore throat, stiff neck and headache. Today I finally gave in and stayed home from work. I just came home from the walk-in clinic and I was told that I had the Common Cold. I was both annoyed and elated by this news. I was annoyed that I had to walk the two blocks to the clinic to find out that all I had was the Common Cold (which I have never had, which was why I was worried about my symptoms). I was elated that I didn't have strep throat or something more serious. And that I live in a nation where I didn't have to [directly] pay for that silly 5-minute diagnosis.

I guess it's my fault that my body succumbed to something as common as the Common Cold. I've always prided myself on my undefeated immune system but alas, I am getting older and hard partying ain't what it used to be. Case in point, the huge Halloween party I went to on Friday night, and the post-party hangover recovery for the rest of that weekend:

Doggy Stylez for the Dining Room

2008-10-23T19:49:00.006-04:00

In addition to the embracing salt and pepper shakers, the second item I shall purchase for my new home shall be these chairs: Wouldn't these be just dandy to sit on while eating?

Gullible Girl

2008-10-15T01:08:00.003-04:00

Once again, I've blown off doing tomorrow night's homework. It could be combination of laziness, exhaustion (I was at another funeral today, and those are emotionally draining) and lack of inspiration. This would be the second week I've neglected to do any readings or writing and I'm contemplating skipping class again because of it. There's a 90% chance I'm going to suck it up and just go to class unprepared because it's too expensive to not show up than to be embarrassed when you have nothing to present.

I don't watch alot of TV and one of the last shows you'll catch me watching is Gossip Girl. I'll admit, I've read the books that the show is based on -- that's as far as I will go in terms of the GG franchise.

Anyway, yesterday I spent the entire day driving around up north with my parents checking out some vacant lots I'm interested in purchasing. I had the intention of seeing 4 places, and end up only seeing one. I just want to say this: Google Maps is as useless as a blind mule. I will never use it again as far as long road trips go. Satellite mapping, my tired Asian ass. This is another reason to hate Google. And yes, I know that this blog hosting site is owned by Google, but I don't care. I JUST HATE GOOGLE MAPS!!

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, allow me to carry on. So after a day of driving, my tired ass sat itself in front of the television for the rest of the evening and it so happened that Gossip Girl was on. Yay. I actually sat through most of the episode, not really watching it, mind you. I zoned in and out between listening to music on my laptop to checking out the clothes.

To summarize to those readers who don't watch or know about GG, it's basically about a bunch of teen-age "Upper East-siders" who are spoiled and rich and have poignant little lives. Think The OC meets Desperate Housewives. Anyway, the main theme of the story is that there's a mysterious "Gossip Girl" who know everyone's 'biz-nazz' and reports on a blog, which everyone in the school seems to receive "RSS feeds" to. Most of the gossiping is about the popular chicks, Serena and Blair. Blair is a bitch who thinks she's Queen Bee, and is probably rightfully so, because she's got these chicks who follow her around and wanna be her friend. Serena is her best friend who, seemingly equally rich and prestigious, isn't really bitchy and kinda down-to-Earth. While most people hate Blair, Serena sees the best in her and defends her and tries to maintain her friendship, which is usually having to put Blair on a pedestal because Blair can be cranky when she doesn't get her way or feels threatened for her throne.

So in this particular episode I watched, Serena is confronted by some chick, who having had a similar friend like Blair, tells Serena that she doesn't need to constantly try to please Blair and put her own self in the shadow to consider Blair's feelings so that Blair doesn't become cranky.

That soooo struck a chord with me because I totally related to it. For a long time, I've always been like a Serena: I felt I had to please certain people for whatever reason, defend them to other people who probably had good reasons not to like them and to put myself sort of on a back burner. I've noticed that with certain Blairs, I don't talk about work or anything else that gives any hint that I'm moving forward because it's just not worth mentioning and getting excited about around them. It will either be received by a very brief acknowledgment or a pessimistic opinion. I guess I've always felt that it was just easier to consider their feelings than to deal with their unreasonable qualms later. So I keep quiet and listen. I go on with my own life, seemingly under the radar, but somtimes that's not enough because those said friends are still not pleased with how they're being treated. That is not to say that I don't have genuine friends, who ask about my day, who get excited for me when I've accomplised something I've talked alot about or even offer to help. I would say the Blairs in my life make up about 10% of my friends.

It occurred to me though, that perhaps these said people just didn't realize what it is to be a real friend. Or they did, and just don't want real friends. Who needs real friends when you can have people grovel at your every whim?!

The sad thing is, I don't think that episode really opened my eyes. It just confirmed with me that perhaps I'm not the only Serena. There's a bunch of us who are naive to believe that these people deserve to have their feelings considered to an extent where you feel it is a burden on yourself but it's necessary to maintain the friendship. You can't really change those Blairs out there because this is what they're used to and really, it would be stupid of them to change because it would make them an equal amongst their peers. The only way to rid yourself of stress of having to keep a Blair satisfied, is to just cut them off cold turkey. I, personally, could never really do that, because although the friendship isn't necessarily real, it's still real to me. Make sense?

In the GG episode, Serena makes the gutsy move to give Blair the 'Take It or Leave It' Ultimatum. That is, Serena will do her thing and not let herself be overshadowed just to be considerate of Blair's feelings. And if Blair doesn't like it, she can leave.

I'd actually like to see how this works out between Blair and Serena, because it just might have to be my next approach although I really, really don't want to have to see it that way.

You know you love me,

XOXO GullibleGirl

Work It Out

2008-09-26T19:45:00.004-04:00

I never really figured out why people went to gyms obsessively, like 4 times a week. I think I've finally figured it out though.

I maintain that I still hate working out on machines at gyms but I do go to gyms about once a week, mainly for kick-boxing, dance, rock-climbing or yoga. There is some kinda weird euphoria you get after a work out: I curse at myself for doing it and wonder why I put myself through such undue torture of endurance, sweat, pain and unsightly shin bruises (from muay thai kicks). But after the work out, I feel exhausted yet accomplished. And then I come back the next week. I must admit, the results aren't bad. Part of the 'addiction' is self-image, but let's not get into that now since it's a touchy subject for some.

Now I've been maintaining a weekly schedule of going to a gym at least once a week (reduced from two since I started taking UofT classes again). With this, I've grown to acquire another rather expensive habit: buying workout clothes, especially at Lululemon. I've suddenly become accustomed to purchasing clothes that keep me sweat-free, that are stretchy and that no doubt, show off whatever assets I have. I've even cleverly worked some work out clothes into my work clothes because I sometimes don't have time to change between work and classes. I find myself walking into a Lululemon at least once a week and most often than not, I am not walking out empty-handed...

So I've been checking out some other gyms to work out in. I'm always looking out for new classes I could try. I stumbled upon a gym that is in downtown Toronto called Flirty Girl Fitness. I'm not big on "women-only" gyms, but this one seems to offer a lot of classes that I would love to try: Coyote Ugly, Pole Dancing, MTV Choreography and Video Vixen to name a few. However, the decor of the website alone screams "lots of bitches here!". Oh well. I'll still give it a go.

I'm planning on taking the MTV Choreography classes this month and I know some people have asked me to take them whenever I work out, so I would like to take this opportunity to invite you (girls only) to join me. :)

You Can Always Depend on the Kindness of [rich] Strangers

2008-09-19T19:10:00.003-04:00

Once in awhile, I am reminded of how perhaps not everyone in the world is a complete selfish, self-absorbed, money-hungry, sexed-up jerk.

This morning I was running late for work (but who's checking?) and it didn't help that I was stuck at the Starbucks drive thru for an absurdly time. When I approached the window to pay for my equally absurdly expensive coffee, the barista advised me that the person ahead of me had paid for my drink!

Huzzah! I don't really know why they paid for my coffee. Perhaps they felt guilty for having ordered many coffees, thereby causing the line up to accrue behind them. Perhaps they admired my superfly 1994 Volvo with a honking bird shit on the window. Perhaps they thought I was cute (although flattered, middle-aged women are not my cup of tea). Either way, I just want to give a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to the woman in the black BMW SUV for my double tall peppermint mocha with whipped cream! You don't know how much that made my day.

I Put On for My City but not you ... just yet.

2008-09-14T12:09:00.005-04:00

I got my hair re-dyed yesterday at the salon with Jez. Ack, it's really blonde, it's like, platinum blonde. It's so blonde, it's almost white. Like Storm from X-Men White. I hope it either fades a little or that I get used to it over time.

So I've been seeing someone for the past couple of weeks. To be honest, I don't really like saying 'seeing', because it makes the whole thing seem ... final, like, I've limited myself. But I guess if you've gone on several dates with someone, that is technically what it's called.

Perhaps it's a mix of my fierce independence and sluttiness, but I feel like I'm hopelessly seeing my 'free agent' status slipping away. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know if it's a good thing either because I really don't know how I feel. For many, people take things slow physically in order to get emotionally involved with someone. I think this is because they associate physical-ness with emotions.

I think I've been deprived of this concept because I am the opposite. I think I've learned to disassociate the physical from emotion for so long, they are not analogous. That is, at the beginning of a *gulp* relationship (ugh, that word!!). I usually don't associate them until I'm into someone emotionally and that usually doesn't evolve for a long time. Yeah, I don't really wear my heart on my sleeve. It's sitting deep down in my pocket, under a pile of good and bad memories.

Everyone has asked me if I like this guy, but to be honest, I can't give a truthful answer because I really don't know. I can't tell after a couple dates and several rendez-vous'. I can't tell after a month of talking. I can't tell after over a year of knowing each other. I admire those who can identify their feelings right away, but I can't help but wonder if they're being truthful when they say they like someone (more than friends) they hardly know.

You like them? You like how they look? You look how they carry themselves? You like how they look on paper? You like how they are in bed? You like their car? You like their family? You like how they make you look?

Just like how I don't throw the Other L Word around that easily, I can't give up Like as if it's just another word. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just that selfish.

BoA's Gonna Eat U Up For Realz

2008-09-10T19:22:00.003-04:00

Guess what guess what?!

BoA is debuting in North America! For realz this time, yo. No more of these 'rumours' I keep hearing the past 3 years. It's finally official. *sigh* High school all over again.

Official debut date is November 11. Watch for it!

All right, I'm Fine, Nevermind

2008-09-09T23:58:00.009-04:00

*sigh I'm doing it again. I haven't updated in a long while. I dunno why whenever I don't update, I feel sort of guilty. I feel like I've gone south and have lost the will to do anything. To be honest, it's been quite the opposite for me lately. Especially for the month of August, which is, I guess why I've failed to update this thing.

Also, I couldn't find my camera cord for awhile and there was a bunch of pictures I wanted to upload. The pictures will tell the stories of what I've been up to so I won't go too much into it.

However, I will discuss one thing: I am no longer a virgin ... of dyed hair. About a month ago, I finally decided I would do what I've wanted to do for years, ever since I was a kid. I remember watching Days of Our Lives way back when (when it wasn't so gay and preposterous) and I remember Hope Brady had a wicked dye job where she had one lone blonde streak in her chestnut hair. Whenever her hair was up, you would see this simple streak. I thought it was awesome.

So on a Friday afternoon, exhausted from a long day of work, I trooped over to my salon, got my hair re-mulleted and asked her to do this peculiar dye job. I'm pretty sure she's hardly been asked to do one blonde streak under someone's hair before. In fact, the incredulous look on her face when I demonstrated what I wanted told me that I had made a good choice because probably no one else has it. And I was right. I did not regret it one bit.

Konrad said it looked (and seemed?) kinda emo. I did not disagree.

Initially I got it done because I've always wanted that kind of dye job as I thought it looked cool, but over the weeks, I've grown to want to maintain it for awhile because I've discovered several things. I kind of understand now why people get tattoos. It's kinda symbolic, and signifies a sort of representation of how one sees one's self or reminds them of an epiphany. I think I also understand why some people turn to drugs and stuff whenever they feel bad or at their worst. Dying my precious, full and healthy hair was a way of self-inflicted damage to myself without the drugs or razors.

Finally, the overall look kinda represents how I've been feeling lately and will probably feel for a long time: normal over all, but a part of me is still damaged (I think it's safe to say that that dyed chunk of hair will be forever damaged from the peroxide).

And now, the Month That Never Ended:

^Jays' game ^Paramore concert ^Look what I got stuck behind!! ^Paramore ^I won over $200 in Poker, bitches! ^Why I don't drink milk. ^You know your friends are dorks when: they put together a Bridge-building competition for shits and giggles ^What was left of Constantine's bridge after he dropped it that morning ^The Winners ^Bridge was still in progress before he took his back out

Play Nice

2008-08-11T23:24:00.000-04:00

I found this hilarious article about Booty Call Etiquette. It's hilarious because it's so true. Trust. ;)

To summarize, the 8 Commandments of Calls for the Booty:

Thou shalt not wine and dine the Booty Call. I hate that awkwardness of 'who pays' afterwards. It should be the person who called for Booty first.
Thou shalt not Booty Call as per schedule. It's a Booty Call, not a class.
Thou shalt not date Booty Call. Remember when Carrie did that on SATC? There's a reason why they're good in bed: too dumb to function anywhere else but the bedroom.
Thou shalt look good. Otherwise, you might as well be married. Oh DISS to the married people!
Thou shalt keep Booty Call at arms-length and expect nothing. If you're sensitive and shit, Booty Calls aren't for you.
Thou shalt keep it real. Booty Calls are like the best of both worlds: best friend-like conversations and all the sex.
Thou shalt use a condom. Duh.
Thou shalt be like Batman. Expect the Call anytime, anywhere like the Bat Signal.

Bitch, I'm the bomb, like tick...tick

2008-08-10T14:38:00.005-04:00

The weather lately has sucked. Only a couple of weekends left of summer, and if I have to endure more wet weekends, I'll officially claim August (the best month of summer, I think) a dud. Essentially, we couldn't go up to the caves up north or the beach, so this weekend is a dud.

I'm also freezing, yes freezing, because all the windows and doors in my house are opened because the walls are being painted. And I can't stop yawning. Last night I was at Circa and woke up this morning to go out for breakfast and came home to take a nap but that's not enough. I don't want to go back to sleep because I don't really want to waste this day (yet here I am, typing away on my computer).

Yesterday was almost a bust, as well. I was gonna go to the Taste of Danforth but it down-poured. Everyone else went anyway, but instead I decided to catch up with an old friend I haven't spoken to in about a year. I'm not going to lie, we met on the internet years ago. Let's call him 'C'. This was back when I actually met people on the internet. These days, I'm just fending off the incessant calls from guys I foolishly give my number away to in clubs. You could say I struck lucky with C because he's non-crazy and he's pretty cool. He's also good-looking and funny, but that's another story. I will just say that he's just a really good friend and that's all. In any case, we've kept in touch for a couple of years and stuff.

I went grocery shopping with him and then we had dinner. After dinner I had to go home to get ready to go out. We hugged and although I was happy we had met up again, I was left with a 'bad taste in my mouth'.

He had given me some interesting advice and a prediction of my future that for some reason scares the crap out of me. I don't usually like to hear other perceptions of me, especially when I've already dictated to myself how I am. However, in this case, I just took his opinions like a beating. He basically said that I am holding a lot of unheard questions and feelings inside (unheard to those who deserve to hear it) and that as time progresses, one of these days I will SNAP. It didn't matter how many times I spent money to fly away from my problems, the pressure will keep building and I will go ape-shit one of these days. Needless to say, he said he didn't want to be there when that happened because he contends he knows me more than I think he knows me. I can't help but think that he does, this stranger from the internet. And now I'm scared because maybe I believe him.

Why? Because I don't want to go ape-shit. I feel as though my problems are my own and no one else should be affected or be the ape-shitee (even if they're involved or the cause). What can I say? I'm an introvert. I'm content with believing that my problems are the fault of my own actions. And I'm also afraid of what other irrational act I will do when that time comes (cliff-jumping in Bora-Bora??).

'So what do I do?' I asked him. He said there was only two ways to go: either blow up now and get answers to the questions I can't get out of my head to quell my thoughts (and face the repercussions, as awkward as they will be) or get away from my problems...permanently. I don't see either of them as being an option right now, but the clock is ticking, isn't it?

If You Didn't Notice, You Mean Everything

2008-08-05T21:42:00.006-04:00

I realized the other day that the summer is already ending. One more month and then it will be Fall. The leaves will die and fall, the cold weather will come in, and the year will end.

Am I bumming you out? Sorry.

I really don't know why I am thinking of bad things now. Summer usually brings the optimism out of me. This year, not so much. I don't think 2008 has been the greatest, not just for me but for others around me.

*Gasp!* Could it be that being associated with me is bad karma? Without going into too many details, I find myself trying to hold everyone up while trying to keep my head above water myself. And it's not that I mind being the support beam (because I really, really don't mind), but I feel so useless because I don't have all the answers. I really, really wish I did.

If I was a more spiritual person, I'd say to leave it up to the gods, but I'm not. So I've run out of encouraging things to say.

I find myself at a lost for words when trying to console someone and I blame that on me having such a 'spoiled' life in that I haven't experienced real problems (knock on wood!!!). It's so hard to try and say something hopeful when I haven't experienced a nasty divorce, a mother in the hospital, a dislocated foot or a messy break up of a relationship. How can I be hopeful when I really don't know if everything will be all right?

I find myself giving the same advice to everyone who asks me when the hurt will go away and that is the only thing I believe that truly works, the closest thing I can think of that gives some hope: Time. It's a not a quick fix-it but it is the closest thing to a cure.

Secretly, I feel like such a hypocrite, though. How can I say such a thing when I have the ability to hurt and not know how things will be over time? For now, it all seems so hopeless because it still feels fresh. I just want to think that time will cure everything (and for others to think this as well). I'm such a fucking liar and I hate that.

I guess at this point all I can do is try to believe in my own words and wait for the days to go by.

Oh, magical Time. Why can't you be more like Tylenol: quick-acting and long-lasting? I just need that Extra Strength.

A,B,C, tell me what you mean to me....

2008-07-31T20:40:00.003-04:00

Can anyone really get over a heartbreak? This thought came to me the other day while I was having dinner with Kaitlyn. I realized time and space somehow puts it all into perspective. The initial breathtaking hurt somehow fades and becomes a memory. The hurt is still there, but you don't feel it until you manage to remember it.

However, just like first loves and the like, it stays with you forever. Oh well. Just suck it up and barrel on. Note to self: Must. Get. Back. To. Active. Regime. I'm starting to get a little lazy and a little soft. Ugh.

~~~

A bunch of people, myself included, from one of my Creative Writing classes have begun a Writing Group. I guess it's kinda like a Book Club, but it's more about perfecting our crafts rather than contemplating what we thought of a book we read.

We had our first 'meeting' a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty enjoyable, I must say. I didn't think I would be into these kinda things but surprisingly it was very helpful and kinda fun. I don't know if it's because I barely know these people or the fact that we get together to focus on a common hobby. We focus on one aspect of writing per meeting and also review and critique pieces of each other's works. I can't wait for the next meeting. What can I say? I'm a writing geek.

~~~

The other day I went bra-shopping and to my horror, I discovered I am now a C-Cup. I was so used to and content with being a B-Cup for so long that this new found chest size frightens me. To me, B-Cup is the perfect size. It's not small, it's not big. Clothes look better (that is, clothes look the way the designers intended them to look: for small-chested, frail body types). B-Cups just say, "modest; sexy but perhaps innocent".

C-Cups, however, say to me "promiscuous and proud".

*sigh. I guess the secret's out.

Babes and Barnacles

2008-07-19T19:45:00.014-04:00

Last night I went to a pirate-themed party on a ship. Now, how many people can say they've done that? For sure, 250 people who were there last night can, that's who.

The evening began when I accompanied Jeff and Justin to Value Village to put together costumes. Honestly, I should be like, head of costume design for something because I'm just a genius when it comes to putting together ensembles. After about half an hour of cruising the Women's section and a quick trip to Dollarama, the boys each obtained some spectacular items for their awesome pirate costumes.

Long story short, the party was awesome and we looked so good, girls were hitting on us (yes, even me!)! Once again, I reiterate my love of themed parties. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH, Matey!

^We look like we're going to a comic book convention ^Tramp stamp ^Pirate of the Carribean ^Attempt at shot of boat with pirates Take 1 ^Attempt at shot of boat with pirates Take 2 ^Finally ^Damn straight

I'm a Brat Who Do[es]n't Give Top

2008-07-18T00:05:00.003-04:00

In my line of work, I come across all types of different people. Of course you're going to find interesting characters when you work in a law office. Some will piss you off, some will be oh-so-grateful for the work you do for them (and they express that gratitude in cash sometimes). And some will inevitably hit on me.

I've learned there's a lot of different people out there in the Real World. Some of these types include cheating husbands (like, really, if you're married and you know I know you're married, why bother hitting on me?), money launderers and dumbasses. So many dumbasses.

There are only a few rare people who have seen me as two different people: Work Lil and Real Lil. Work Lil is nothing like Real Lil.

Work Lil puts on an act where she pretends she likes everyone, is content with doing anything and loves the work she does. Even when times get tough, she will grin and bear it. Work Lil is everything Real Lil hates: fake, submissive, nice.

This is why I hate mixing business with pleasure. I have introduced some friends to my work, but for business purposes mainly. I've never really had the real conflict of mixing business with pleasure until recently. A client was actually brave enough to ask me out.

At first I laughed it off and said we could if I could squeeze it into my busy schedule. However, he's been quite persistent and it's come to a point where I would have to sit down and really think about this.

I once contemplated dating a co-worker before. Well, he's not really a co-worker. He just works on my floor for a totally different office. I don't think that would've been so bad, because he comes into the office once in awhile (which also kinda sucks because he looks like Wentworth Miller). Too bad I've been too shy to really say anything to him besides 'Hey'.

I've even also contemplated dating another lawyer. Before you start thinking 'Eewwwww' and picture graying men in suits, think again. It isn't so far-fetched for lawyers to be only a few years older than me. If you think about it, some are just finishing their articling and are opening their own practices now(yup, I'm that old). I would have to cross that road if I should ever come to it, but that right there would be an interesting situation but might draw up some conflict of interest issues.

Now, dating a client. I've contemplated with my boss about this issue and she said it's fine as long as their file has been completed. However, I still have that nagging feeling in the back of my head that there is still a conflict of interest. Even though a file is closed, the lawyer is technically supposed to hold on to the file for at least 7 years. Not to mention I know all their confidential legal stuff (heehee). Is this only weird to me? It seems like it is.

As of now, I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Also, if I even want to go out with this guy. I don't think I will be reporting my conclusion should I decide to go out with him because it will most definitely breach some sort of client-firm confidentiality. However, I will leave it at this: I can't help but think that when someone dates a client, there's still a 'professional' aspect to the personal relationship because of the way one conducts them self. Getting into a personal relationship with a client is like getting into a professional relationship with a client. Except you're paid in meals and gifts.

Shawty Wanna Thugggggggg

2008-07-14T23:42:00.003-04:00

This video makes me wanna go to Vegas. Video hoes and dancing on stretch SUVs included.

So I will. Vegas in September for $500 or less. Who's in?

Where the Secure Guys Are

2008-07-11T00:21:00.005-04:00

Women are notoriously insecure. Okay, scratch that. Most women are insecure. The rest are just bitches. Now that we've settled that, let's look at men.

Men have historically been seen as something of a figure of security, strength, blahblahblah. What a load of crap. I think guys are just as insecure as the next chick who is too self-conscious to eat alone at a restaurant.

A friend of mine currently has a dilemma and I shall put forth her dilemma to the public to possibly settle an argument (or spark one). She has started to date a new guy after coming out of a long-term relationship. Things are going well when the ex suddenly decides that he wants to change his mind. Now she is faced with the dilemma of figuring out what to do. Long story short, the real problem is: neither of them will want her to be friends with the other guy should she choose one.

"So you're stuck having to choose between two insecure guys?" I asked, over cheesecake and tea the other night.

"Well, I have to choose one."

"That's like having to choose between the lesser of two evils."

"Well, it's not like there are any secure guys left." she replied.

Hmm, an interesting point. However, it's an interesting point that I intend to prove wrong. I refuse to believe that there are no secure guys left. That is, a guy who is secure in himself that he can trust a woman to have male friends, both exes and platonic, and can go into a relationship knowing she is still friends with her ex and won't think twice about it.

I would hate to think that any friendship, whether it be with a girl or boy, would have to change once you get into a relationship. Why do things have to be moved over to make way for a new person in your life? When you buy a new pair of shoes to add to your over-sized collection, you don't throw an old pair away to make room. YOU GET MR. BIG TO BUILD YOU A BIGGER CLOSET!

An experiment was proposed, which led us to ask random guys at that very coffee shop the ultimate question: Would you date a girl who was still friends with her ex?

My hypothesis: Maybe 20% of guys are secure enough to date a girl who is still friends with her ex. The rest are just bitches.

The experiment didn't just end there. I later went bowling and asked a couple random guys there as well (Awesome way to meet new guys, y/n?). The verdict?

Out of the approximate 10 guys that night, like, 2 guys said yes. And one said maybe.

In conclusion, about 70% of guys are bitches.

Of course, this was in no way a 'good' experiment carried out. The guys that were asked were picked at random (re: hot and hopefully single) and restricted to a coffee shop and bowling alley (social and 'athletic'). They probably had personal reasons for each of their answers. Some might have been scorned before and had bad experiences. The rest of the 'no' crew were probably insecure and think women are promiscuous polygamous sluts (not totally far from the truth...?).

So where are all the secure guys? This just made me realize it would be this much harder to find a guy who will not give me shit for having male friends or who won't insist on going out with me every time I want to go to a club.

Is it right to just settle then? Perhaps we could make light of this and welcome these 'flawed' people into our love lives. Over time, they could learn to be more secure with themselves through someone else (without being too dependent). After all, what's the harm in teaching one another? These guys have got to learn to be more secure with themselves from somewhere, and it can start with being with secure women who can show them the way.

Tickled.

2008-07-07T22:39:00.002-04:00

Today I was at Lululemon buying some ridiculously over-priced pants. As I was getting measured, I realized how... 'comfortable' I felt. Maybe a little too comfortable. Was it the pants? Or was it the nice ticklish feeling of having my pants measured?

I was a little disappointed when the chick was done measuring.

That's weird, right? Yeah.

Still Kickin'

2008-07-01T17:21:00.005-04:00

I've been quite neglectful, I know, but rightfully so. I posted my last post a few minutes ago, even though it's dated over a month ago. I've had it sitting in my Drafts for awhile because I was still uploading all the picture from Konrad's party. I still haven't finished but I give up.

However, I haven't given up on life, so don't worry. I know the last post I uploaded over a month ago seemed a little daunting, emo and morbid but don't worry. I'm still breathing. Barely.

So what have I been doing in the past month that has prevented me from updating regularly? Well for one, I really needed to step back on 'reflecting' on my life and decided to just live it. This was me living it the past month:

Work.
I went to Hawaii. I'm really, really, really glad I went, especially in the mood I've been in the past 6 months. I think I realized after 6 months of feeling like absolutely shit, put me in a situation in which I needed to get far, far away and really get away from everything to contemplate. I will go into more details about Hawaii in another long post, but needless to say, Hawaii has definitely changed me and for the better. It kinda put my life into perspective and it gave me time to enjoy and respect other things like beautiful Mother Nature than my own silly problems.
Work.
As soon as I came back from Hawaii, a week later I went camping. I got some awful bug bites, and went back to hating Mother Nature. Briefly.
Work.
Finally finished my first Creative Writing courses. Between work and my other recreational commitments, I had to find time to write my final articles for Arts Journalism, and attempt to complete my final writing assignment for Intro to Creative Writing. They weren't particularly long pieces that took up most of my time, it was more of the will to write and the Wrtier's Block I was experiencing for a month. Needless to say, I got it done. So much so that my book-in-progress was well-received by my class and that has given me motivation to keep writing.
Work.
Went to Meg's cottage for a couple days, came back last night and danced for 6 hours.

So you see, I haven't really had time to sit and feel sorry for myself, which is probably why my mood and outlook have been a bit more optimistic lately. I've gotten my libido back and I think my self-esteem is getting a bit better. I've stopped wearing Chanel black nail polish and I've discovered a more peachy mood colour in Nars' Orgasm. I've discovered I have a liking to German emo music and electro-pop and that's my new mantra. I know I still have a loonnnng way to go but I just have to take it one step at a time.

So I thought I'd take this time to write this post and explain myself (to anyone who really cares). I've missed writing so I will try and keep doing it as much as I can, since lately I've found it hard to make time for anything, including breathe. I'm really grateful for the friends who have kept me busy. The talks, the drinks, the walks, the encouragement, the advice, the distraction. Secretly, you guys are helping with giving me the will to want to be me without even realizing it. Thank you.

You Live Like a Movie, but a Movie's my Life

2008-05-25T17:34:00.012-04:00

My brain hurts. Starbucks didn't help my drowsiness this morning. I have a questionable bruise on my back. Konrad's kitchen and bathroom floors were FILTHY by the end of the night. In conclusion, Konrad's party last night was awesome.

I'm not in any mental-state to try and write about it so the pictures will. Thanks to everyone for passing around my digital camera all night, taking random shots and not thiefing it.

Running on the Same Track...30 years later

2008-05-20T22:22:00.005-04:00

Remember that episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel's neighbour, Mr. Heckles, dies and they are left to clean out his worldly possessions as his last dying wish? Chandler goes through Mr. Heckles' yearbook and belongings and realizes a pattern to his life and Mr. Heckle's lonely, depressing life.

CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. [talking and walking can be heard from the floor above] He was right. Would you listen to that?
PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive [noise].
CHANDLER: Whoa! [reads the yearbook]
JOEY: What?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...
CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

I just had the same horrifying experience. And it all happened so innocently, too.

I was idly just reading about a woman in Croatia who has been dead for 30 some odd years and no one realized she was dead in her apartment because her neighbours assumed she left the country and no one reported her missing. I wanted to read more and somehow it led me to a Wikipedia page on 'unusual deaths'.

I skimmed most of it and one of them caught my eye. In 1974, a news anchor named Christine Chubbuck, committed suicide live on-air. The story was intriguing and I had to look her up to find out why she did it. She was apparently (obviously) very depressed and there was also a political agenda behind her intent to off herself on live television, but what struck me the most was her life storyand the events leading to her [un]timely death (as much as I hate using Wikipedia as a reference, it's just easier for me to summarize what I've already read from many other sources)...

Her focus on her lack of relationships was generally considered to be the impetus for her depression; her mother later summarized that "her suicide was simply because her personal life was not enough". She lamented to co-workers that her 30th birthday was approaching and she was still a virgin who had never been on more than two dates with a man... [Her brother, Greg] believed that her constant self-deprecation for being "dateless" contributed to her ongoing depression...
Apparently, she had an unrequited crush on co-worker George Peter Ryan. She baked him a cake for his birthday and sought his romantic attention, only to find out that he was already involved with sports reporter, Andrea Kirby. Kirby had been the co-worker closest to Chubbuck, but was offered a new job in Baltimore, which had further depressed Chubbuck...
She was self-deprecating, criticizing herself constantly and rejecting any compliments she was given. She was fond of word play and puns.

'Stunned' does not even begin to describe how I was feeling. I felt like my life literally flashed before me and realizing what my life was possibly coming to. The similarities between Christine and I are way too coincidental: she was a journalist, and I want to be a journalist; my dating pattern is almost identical to hers; I self-deprecate myself (to myself); I'm definitely no stranger to unrequited love and love triangles; I've become more active just to get a better body because my self-esteem is almost non-existent, even though I do hear the compliments; and above all, I love word games. I even baked cupcakes for a guy of whom I had a major crush.

I don't even know what scares the 'bejeezus' out of me more: dying alone and no one realizing for more than 30 years or feeling like committing suicide. I had to stop reading about Christine and the Croatian woman because I honestly felt a little sick. And I still do just writing about it.

I really need to do something.

Do Scientists Have Good Sex?

2008-05-19T15:19:00.003-04:00

Yuri sent me this interesting link awhile ago. An excerpt from the study goes like this:

Does the female orgasm serve a biological purpose?
A few years back, a biologist at Indiana University, Elisabeth Lloyd, devoted an entire book to this question called The Case of the Female Orgasm. She evaluated ten theories purporting to explain the evolutionary function of female orgasm, and found all of them lacking. Her conclusion: female orgasm belongs in the same file with male nipples. Male and female embryos start out with the same equipment, and then part ways. Men are left with nonfunctioning breasts; women are left with nonfunctioning penises. Not everyone agrees with her, however.

The comments for the article are hilarious but here is the intellectual discussion that ensued between Yuri and I:

Yuri: Female orgasms are apparently vestigal.

Me: What's 'vestigal'?

Yuri: Kind of like male nipples; they are 'evolutionary leftovers'. They serve no evolutionary purpose.

Me: So female orgasms don't matter?

Yuri: Apparently so.

Me: Did a man write this?

Yuri: NOPE!

Me: I don't think this woman's actually experienced an orgasm or good sex. Her next scientific study should be: Can Scientists Have Good Sex?

Not 13

2008-05-18T12:07:00.010-04:00

So guess what I did on Friday night? I'll give you a hint, I saw them in February, the lead singer has unfathomable hair and they're German.

Whit and I went to see Tokio Hotel at The Sound Academy. I swear, celebrity is a funny thing. These 13-17-year old girls come to these concerts thinking they will meet the band. They think that during the concert the lead singer will notice them, and only them, in the throng of screaming teenage girls. They will go backstage to meet the band. And possibly back to their [Tokio] hotel. That is if their accompanying parent will let them.

How do I know? Because I used to be 13 and ~~stupid~~ naïve. There were girls there who brought gifts for the band, like teddy bears (c'monnnnnnnnnnn) and wearing skirts shorter than I would wear in public. Don't get me started on the screaming. Oh boy.

But Whit and I are too cool for the yuppy stuff. We knew we could be more mature and devise a plan to get backstage, and not like a screaming lunatic. And we did. We met the band after the concert and we went back to their hotel room. The next morning I was really tired.

Haha, just kidding. With Whit's lack of knowledge about the band's comings and goings and my lack of experience with trying to get backstage to anything, we failed. Or perhaps gave up too easily. After the concert, there were girls waiting around after the concert, waiting outside the venue and even some girls were waiting by the 'secret' driveway the band would be coming out of. There were girls trying to get to them from the back, the front and the sides. The only place that wasn't covered was the top but my stealth isn't that great.

Speaking of stealth, I have to pay homage to the kick-boxing and and wall-climbing training I've been doing the past months. The concert was absolutely rammed. Whit and I were too cool for the line up outside, so we waited till everyone got in and then we pushed and kicked our way to the front. Unfortunately, I ended up wedged between screaming girls and their moms (I realized later that obviously the crazier girls are at the front, duh). UGH. This one mom next to me began to scream and jump uncontrollably when the band came out. So weird. Some girls even had to be literally plucked from the crowd when the band started because they were too hysterical or fainted.

During the concert I managed to wedge myself between a mom and one of those metal stands they use for crowd control. The stand goes up to about my arm pits. When I got fed up with not being able to see the band because of all the arms and cameras, I stealthily hoisted myself up on the gate with just my arms and immediately I had the best seat ever. I could see everything, and not to mention I got great shots (when I could, before I was kicked off by security).

How was the concert? It was great. I wasn't really expecting them to play anything 'new' since the last time I saw them was in February and they played mostly their English songs and a couple German ones, to my disappointment. I don't mean to sound like a teenager, so I will just say it was a delight to see them live -- when I could.

I decided after the concert that if they ever came back and the venue of the concert was bigger, I would not go because their fans annoy me and I'm sure I annoyed them.. My requisites for seeing them again are:

1. The next venue they played was as small as a hotel room or something.

2. There were seats.

3. Everyone applauded, instead of screamed.

4. Age restriction to 19 and over only.

5. Mandatory deodorant on everyone.

Can you tell I'm 24, and not 13? That's my idea of an ideal concert. Ha.

Oh. Funny story: after the band finished, they threw their towels in to the crowd (remember what happened at the last concert with the towel?) and I was perched on my perfect fence-seat. I saw a towel go flying toward me and I immediately jumped off to avoid the insinuating mob of arms. The mother in front of me caught it and immediately arms from every direction came at her and grabbed the towel, even from behind me! I was trapped! This mother and about a dozen other girls were literally in a tug-of-war over this towel and I was stuck in the middle. When the crowd moved, I moved. "Jesse! Don't let go!" "I got it! I soooo got it!" "It's mine, it's mine, it's mine!" "IT'S JUST A FUCKING TOWEL, LET GO!" That last one was me. This tug-of-war over a used towel went on for about 15 minutes before security had to come. Pretty soon me and the security guard were both yelling, "It's just a towel!". Some let go and I made my escape and tried to find Whitney because I lost her during the Towel Surge. No one ended up with the towel as I found out, as I later asked the security guard. I hate Tokio Hotel fans.

^The line up ^Me and Whit are too cool for lines ^The Crowd ^Ugh, I hate TH fans ^I got a lot of pics of him for some reason. Too many went crazy when Bill came to this side of the stage

Here's one of a few vids I tried to catch of the concert. Unfortunately I caught them at bad times when Bill let the crowd sing. AHHHHH.

Everyone's a Critic...but me.

2008-05-14T23:23:00.004-04:00

I'm definitely in school mode. And I'm pretty stupid. For the first part, it is currently 11:24 pm, the night before an assignment is due and I just started (hello, college years!). For the latter, the assignment is supposed to be a 150-word mini-review piece on a mini-play for my Arts Journalism class and I have Writer's Block. What. The. Fuck.

Things at work are starting to get busy again and I'm doing th 50-hour work weeks, which could not have come at a worse time because in about 2.5 weeks Yours Truly is bootin' it to Hawaii. That's right, Hawaii. Bitches. Gonna get lei'd, but not in the way I'd prefer. Kinda last minute, kinda necessary (for me, anyway) trip. I'll explain later.

If I'm not mistaken, I think I'm going a few weeks before you, Louise. I'll keep the cabana warm for you. ;)

So Many Words, So Little Time

2008-05-10T21:01:00.004-04:00

Alas! Some time to write. I've been super super busy lately. I think I over-anticipated exactly how much free time I would have before I took up the Creative Writing classes at UofT, kickboxing, dance, wall-climbing and the stuff in between that I promise to do and that I need to do.

I guess I am getting what I paid for, literally. I feel awful, too, because I am not putting as much effort as I should be for my Creative Writing classes. I have a manuscript due next weekend and I haven't the faintest idea how to start. I don't even have time to start!! Suggestions are welcome.

The first ingredient to a story is a theme. A theme is like a moral, or something that is learned or realized by the end of the story. Ever since I could remember, that's always been the hardest part for me in writing. Second to writing the conclusion, of course. *sigh.

How cliché of me would it be to take stories out of my own life? I mean, I think it's as interesting as TV, like The Hills, why not a book?

I could be the main character, and use a pseudonym, of course. The setting? Hm, how about a non-descript suburb in Canada, possibly near Toronto?

Now for a theme. Problem is, sad as it sounds, I haven't really learned anything. Really.

Back to School

2008-04-26T10:04:00.006-04:00

I believe I've been pretty negligible with updating this thing. I really should be doing this more often though, especially since I've started taking my Creative Writing courses at UofT.

I started classes about a week ago. Right now I'm in the UofT library making full use of my temporary 30-minute free internet time while I wait for class to start. I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7 am this morning ('ungodly' because it is Saturday) to:

1.) do the first homework I've been assigned (and subsequently failed to even do until last minute) and

2.) drive downtown early because of the out-of-the-blue TTC strike and to get a good parking spot before people wake up to realize that there is a strike.

Ah, to be a student again.

I kinda missed school while I've been doing the ol' 9-to-5. I missed coming to a class of strangers and having someone lecture me for 2 hours. Of course, I could have just stayed home for that, but these writing course topics are so much easier to listen to my dad bitch to me about doing my taxes (reminder to self: do taxes!).

So I am officially a part-time UofT student. Yeah, I have unintentionally followed in the footsteps of my dad and siblings. Ha. So far I have observed being at a university is not that much different than being in college. The people, the buildings, the atmosphere and the coffee shops are all the same. However, I don't have the anxiety of exams-to-make-or-break my academia and I'm not spending $30,000.00 on my education.

My classes have been quite awesome so far, however I do feel like I am out of my league here. Firstly, the students in my class range from different ages (about my age to 50) from different backgrounds and with different intentions of taking the course. There are financial analysts, publicists and even some published writers here. There's even a Korean who works in Finance and is taking these classes so he can learn to write stories for his children. I hate to admit it, but that is just so gosh darn cute. Despite our different backgrounds, we all seem to have that commonality of wanting to write creatively and apparently have always wanted to do so, despite our different professions.

The professors seem knowledgeable and are experienced. In the two classes I am currently taking (Intro to Creative Writing and Arts Journalism), one is a published novelist, while the other writes for publications like The Globe and Mail. The Arts Journalism professor seems like someone out of CBC Radio One, the classic music radio station. He's heavily into arts and all that fancy schmancy stuff. We should really have our classes in cafes, rather than a lecture hall in the Nursing Building because we are out of setting with this guy.

We've already begun several writing exercises and they've been pretty exciting. Back in the day, once in awhile I would get interesting assignments I would actually be excited to do. But this time, it's like, every assignment. I won't bore you with details but perhaps I will excerpt some of my work on here. Maybe.

I'm not that shy about people reading my work, but I like to think of my stuff as works in progress, so they can't 'released' yet. However, as with any other artists, it's not uncommon to believe that 'finished works' are still unfinished.

I would highly recommend these classes to other people who are interested in creative writing, even if it's just for fun. In fact, you might not even realize you're a great writer until you try [writing]. Whether you're a banker, paralegal, stripper or a Senator, there could be a hidden talent for story-telling that has yet to be unearthed.

Madonna Arms

2008-04-14T23:07:00.003-04:00

I'm so proud of myself. I'm usually such a weak duckling. Anything that makes me break even a drop of sweat, I'm on the floor panting and ready to go to sleep. I can't even climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath.

It serves me right for not being in the best shape and avoiding all types of physical activity throughout most of my adolescence. I think I've realized alot of people tend to do things for me, because they assume/know that I can't do it or will just struggle with it: carrying canoes, opening bottles, carrying shopping bags, opening doors, carrying my gym bag...

I appreciate it all and I apologize for being a weak princess, guys.

But tonight, I think I can prove everyone wrong that I'm not weak ass. I did kick boxing and hip hop dance all in one night! How 'bout them apples?

I can't believe I can still lift my arms, but I can.

Kick boxing is one of the hardest things I've ever had to physically do. On Saturday, I did wall-climbing and it was a piece of cake compared to this. Tackling a wall was so much easier than tackling a punching bag or trying to do crunches (or basically anything else that requires me to pull my own weight). Nevertheless, I will continue going because I've never really worked hard in my life. I might as well pay $15 a night and do it once a week. Besides, it kinda feels like a drug because it suppresses my bad thoughts, like alcohol.

My biggest fear, though, is doing this more and more and getting Madonna Arms. What are Madonna Arms? They are when arms become atrocious and produce revolting and unsightly veins muscles... like the guns that Madonna currently has. I don't know what she does to get them, but I surely hope it's not a combination of kick boxing, hip hop dance, yoga, wall-climbing and Poker, because I will quit all at once if it is.

Everyone assures me that this will never happen but I swear, every time I look in the mirror and move my arm in a way that it kinda flexes, I see the 'seedlings' of Madonna Arms. Ugh. I began this quest to be physically stronger so that I could be emotionally stronger, not to become a Muscle Mary.

Love Actually

2008-04-13T23:15:00.005-04:00

I recently had a great trip down memory lane. And by 'great', I mean 'awkward' and by 'memory lane', I mean 'the once-existent love life memory lane'.

I contacted C the other day. I didn't want to have to talk to him in the circumstances I did, but I felt I had the obligation to, circumstances of which I won't bore you with. I make it a point to not cut off contact with 'exes' (the little that I have and consider) for certain reasons: to not make it seem that our relationship was a waste of a friendship, to keep tabs on them, to see how much better I'm doing without them, etc..

However, C is different. In the past, our contacts with each other always ended up in a cycle of tension/lust/anger/hostility/love. This is why we never really remained 'friends'. To this day, I don't really understand why we can't just be friends and not go through that tension/lust/anger/hostility/love cycle. I hate to admit, but it is slightly true when they say you can't really be friends with exes. I think you can't be friends with certain exes: you can only be friends with exes who didn't feel the exact same way you did.

Unrequited loves, casual relationships, lovers-and-friends, and maybe, just maybe short relationships that ended amicable and mutual can last into actual friendships. But hardly the ones with too much off-and-on. Never the ones with the raw passion between two people. Never the ones you thought were The One.

Contacting C was nerve-racking, heart-wrenching and palm-sweating but I got through it. Even if it was done through Facebook. I don't think he enjoyed the circumstances to my phone call because he kinda yelled at me, but what could I do but just take it? I was used to arguing with him but this time it was kind of different. I guess he felt some sense of pleasure in rubbing it in my face that his two-year relationship with his girlfriend was a prime example as to how my lifestyle is foolish, garbage and immature. At least, that's how I felt after I talked to him. Nevertheless, it was good hearing his voice.

I would like to believe that people once in love with each other can remain friends even if they cannot be together. How can such a strong, intimate relationship dissolve into absentia and near-stranger relationships? Being in love is such an inexplicably wonderful thing. Why can't being in love turn into just love? I know that they are two different things but how can two words be the same but not be the same?

I wish I could be friends with C again. Sometimes I'll come across something that I wish could share with him but there's no one else I can share it with and then I start to think about him. Maybe even miss him a little. Although he has his own very different life than me and we are better off not being around each other, I wish I could be part of his life again. I suppose once in love, always in love.

Let it all out, any way that you can

2008-04-07T21:22:00.003-04:00

I've failed to write lately. I'm not sure why, it's not like I've lacked anything to discuss. However, I figure there is no better time than now because I sincerely doubt I will be able to lift my arms tomorrow.

Tonight I took a kickboxing class with Konrad. I haven't done it in years, and I haven't done it as intensely as I did tonight. We barely got there in time, so we missed the stretching, which of course means I will be like a walking zombie tomorrow. We broke sweat 5 minutes into the training. It was tough but I survived and it felt kinda good. The downside to the whole thing is that everything stinks -- literally. The room, the gloves, and unfortunately, the hot guys. I spent 5 minutes in the bathroom scrubbing my hands of that horrid 'man sweat' smell I picked up from the used gloves. Time to buy my own pair.

I found that boxing is a great way to get rid of anger (duh) but it is a vastly different type of 'therapy' from yoga. In yoga, I just tried to let go of my stress and anger through breathing. In boxing, I let it out through my fists, through the gloves, through the punching bag...and probably straight to Konrad who was spotting me (he said I was best at kicking, which didn't surprise us since I've had lots of practice since elementary school :p).

I'm not sure which 'stress reliever' I prefer. I'm not a violent person (I swear, I'm not!) but I'm not a relaxed person either. I'd definitely continue to do both either way, since I haven't found that "middle" yet.

I can feel this is the beginning of my 'activeness' now that the warm weather is here. I'm starting hip hop classes soon and sooner or later, Sarah and I will eventually start up those yoga classes again.

I'm starting to feel anguished again, just when I thought I was feeling better. I guess this is due to work slowing down and me trying to go back to 'normal life' and having time to think and feel. It's not as easy I once convinced myself and others. I feel like this bad aura is just sticking to me like annoying lint, so I gotta do whatever I can to do away with it. I'm trying to get rid of it as feverishly and as quickly as possible. Breathing it out through yoga, losing myself through dance and music, punching and kicking until all those bad feelings are behind me. Can bad feelings be rid of through all this hard physical work? I think it's temporary, like a drug.

I wish there was some kinda 'emotional detox' I could do, but I guess this is the next best thing. I'm so sick of feeling like this.

White People Don't Know Sassy

2008-03-26T22:33:00.002-04:00

Ughhhhh.... just watching the trailer for the remake of My Sassy Girl already tells me what the movie will be like: CRAP. The Original: And, the actual slapping game:

Go ME!

2008-03-23T22:08:00.008-04:00

I know everyone's wondering about how the Argo cheerleading tryouts went because I've been telling the story about 5 times over and I've been asked 20 times, so here I go with the story ... in timeline form because I'm sore all over and it hurts to sit.

6:00 am: I woke up at this ungodly hour. I don't think I've woken up before the sun has risen since college and I had to make sure I made my 8 am exam on time.

6:45 am: I had to chase the bus to get to the subway ... morning jog completed.

7:50 am: Met the girls at the tryouts. There were girls there already, but not as many as I had anticipated. They had us sign in and fork over our headshots and $20 (which of all things, I forgot to bring. Thanks for covering, Whit.). Kaitlyn also brought her friend to the tryouts (her name is lost on me right now). We got our randomly chosen numbers (I was known as #86 for the day) and I felt like I was auditioning for American Idol or So You Want to Be a Cheerleader or something. They kept playing that new irritating Janet Jackson song and I remember stating that if we had to dance to this song I would be pissed off. Guess what? My bad karma kicked in. I heard Janet Jackson's 'Feedback' 50,000 times throughout the day.

8:15-12:30 am: They filed us all into a theatre which had ample space for us to all learn the audition routine. Kaitlyn knew the choreographer and apparently she had told Kaitlyn that the routine was easy. I questioned this chick's definition of 'easy'. If your muscles become sore after doing it three times, is that 'easy'? The routine was OK but very stiff (which is basically how a cheerleader dances). I didn't particularly like the way the choreographer was teaching us the dance because she didn't seem to know it herself, which ultimately caused me to learn a few of the moves incorrectly. But we got through it and I learned it, sorta.

We were given two hours to rehearse the dance. I've never danced so hard. Actually, the last time I danced that hard was probably for ChinKL. I wondered why I ever missed those days. By the time the final audition came, my arms felt so heavy.

2:30 am: Showtime. The auditions were done in randomly chosen pairs. Of course, everyone was hella nervous. The hardest part for me, as it is all the time, is memorization. The only way I can memorize something profoundly is if I'm given at least 2 days. But of course, I was only given 2 hours and I soon realized I'm not as in shape as I thought I was. And with my luck, I was auditioning with another chick who had no idea what she was doing. You just looked at her and knew she followed her friend to the audition (she did), so I couldn't follow her when I completely blanked out.

Now, I don't usually get stage fright. In highschool, I was very comfortable on stage and performing. I'm not sure if I blanked out then because I had stage fright or because my memory just especially sucks under pressure. Or maybe it was a combination of both. I did the first part fine and then ... blank. The thing is, these auditions are not based on whether or not you can remember the routine. They were more based on how you presented and carried yourself. In fact, about half the girls who auditioned did in fact, forget the routine. The point was to keep going and make yourself seem as though the entire thing was natural. So I think I made my major mistake in stopping and asking if I could start all over. I should never have done that. But I did it. Whatever. I managed to finish, but I knew doing 5% of the dance was not enough. They were stupid if they picked me.

And you want to know the most stupid thing? I could not stop running the entire routine in my head all day today. I hate my life. The routine isn't even really that hard (but not 'easy'), just hard to learn. Here's a clip of some of the other girls practicing:

The way the auditions went was this: that day was the preliminaries. If you got chosen to go on, you would move on to the Interview Stage, which takes place throughout the week. If you passed that, then you would move on to the Final Audition, which is next weekend in which family and friends can watch.

So we had to wait for them to go through all the girls (two by two) before they announced which numbers would go on to the Interview Stage.

2:32 pm - 4 pm: This is how long it took for them to do the rest of the girls and deliberate. At this point, we are so tired, bored and in pain. I was sooooo sore. I had not been this sore since I first started snowboarding, years ago. Honestly, my entirely body ached and still does today. I had even stretched extensively before and after. Not to mention I had to sit on a concrete floor. It was so excruciating.

At this point, I'm also contemplating whether or not I really wanted this to begin with. If I was chosen to move on, I would've seriously contemplated on accepting because I realized how demanding it was both physical and time (practices are twice a week for three hours!) and the timetable conflicts I would have with school and work. In the end, I realized it would be more of a relief if I didn't get it, so that I would not have that dilemma.

And guess what? This was the longest rejection I ever had to wait for! LOL.

"Thank god!" was what I said when I didn't see my number on the board. Big relief for me. I didn't even feel that bad that I didn't get it. I just wanted my bed.

However, the great news was, Kaitlyn and Whitney got to move on! It was great because out of the four of us who tried out, those two probably wanted it the most. Kaitlyn had always wanted to do it but was never old enough and Whitney had always wanted to be a cheerleader. So, kudos to them! I can't wait to see them perform that god-foresaken routine with that annoying-ass song. Good luck, ladies!

I'm really glad I tried out, as painful (physically) as it was. I know alot of people didn't have a whole lot of faith with me in the whole thing (even if they didn't say so explicitly) but guess what? This experience isn't going to stop me from trying out next time or for other teams. Kaitlyn's friend and I are even discussing trying out for the Raptors' Dance Pak, which is more hip hop-based than the Argos' Cheer team and it is more our style. So that will be another experience on its own. I think they might be in June or something. I just have to learn to learn quickly.

Whitney, on her audition (and doin' her thang):

Oh yeah, and I think her picture is going to be in The Toronto Star.

After the auditions, we scrambled to a restaurant for food and alcohol because we had been bitching about it the entire time we were waiting on that cold, concrete floor. We celebrated with some shopping and finally dragged our tired asses home.

Oh, one interesting little story to add:

As we were waiting at a red light, Kaitlyn's friend suddenly yelled, "Oh my god!" and she pointed to the car next to us. There was a guy looking at us and licking his car window and jerking off. That was gross... who knows how dirty that window was?? *sigh* That's the kinda price you have to pay to be a cheerleader. Only in Toronto. ^_^

Tokio Hotel in Toronto.... again!

2008-03-21T19:28:00.000-04:00

...April 23! Yippee!!

I Hear You Callin'

2008-03-21T17:35:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to see David Guetta @ CiRCA nightclub with Yuri, Tom and Konrad. For those who don't know him, he's a DJ (which I realized just last night) and he spins House music. He was pretty good, although I don't really know how to judge how well he played music seeing I didn't even know half the songs he played (I know the one that he made that is always on the radio). He was good in a sense that he kept me dancing for like 5 hours straight.

I'm not really sure why I went and agreed to pay $50 to go (and then it actually turned out to be $60). Yuri just asked and I said I would go and the rest is history. We got there super early because this party was much-anticipated and it was really a good thing we did. Apparently by 10:30, the line up was creeping to the next block. I think everyone was there, because people I don't usually see or wouldn't expect to see were there: like this kid I knew from elementary school (who Konrad also knew. Hello, small world) and the guy I always buy juice from at Freshly Squeezed (I think he recognized me too).

By midnight, the place was swamped. I opted to wear my new LAMB running shoes, which was a good and bad idea. It was good because I comfortably danced for hours on end and wouldn't have stopped had I been sufficiently hydrated and fed. It was bad because wearing running shoes make me the tiniest person in the room and of course, I and the shoes were trampled amongst the sea of dancing giants. I had to dance on stage for most of the night to get some oxygen and to protect my feet.

I didn't really realize how popular this David Guetta guy was until I got there and everyone was screaming his name. From what I could see, he's not that much of a rockstar-quality (except for his shiny shirt) so I guess it's the music he spins is what attracts the crowds.

This guy I was dancing with even came all the way from the Dominican Republic to Toronto to see/hear him! Yeah, it was a bit surprising that 1.) People travel to see/hear this guy, and 2.) a Black guy likes House music (and he was even decked out in glow sticks). Not that that there's a problem with that. I'm just saying.

We left at about 3 am, and it was a good thing we did because we beat the rush when he finished playing at 4. We hit an all-night restaurant and I had quesadillas, which I'm paying for right now.

When I got home, I realized it was 5 am. Oooooh boy.

It has occurred to me that my musical horizons are expanding. I've superseded listening to primarily hip hop music to rock (mostly German and Germenglish) and now, I've developed a taste for House. I've even been sporting black nail polish lately, which isn't like me (that is, to be emo or wear nail polish). Look at me, I'm growing.

Gotta wake up tomorrow at 6 for Argos tryout. My sleep schedule is fucked.

This one's for you, Vicki. I missed that "Love is Gone" song... but here's one I think you and I will love...

Dr. Lil

2008-03-18T20:09:00.003-04:00

Move over Dr. Phil, there's a new unlicensed therapist in town.

It's amazing, really. I'm able to dish out all kinds of advice, yet I cannot even help my own life. Is it because I have a better perspective of someone else's life than my own?

Recently, someone thanked me for some satiable advice I had given them over a year ago. The funny thing is, I barely know this person. I think we met online through a friend or something. We talk once in awhile, but not that often (mostly because I wasn't really that interested). One day, we were just chatting and he was griping about his then-girlfriend. I gave him my point of view and I must've given him something to think about it, because he thanked me for saving him from wasting time in trying to salvage his toxic relationship. He even invited me to his birthday party.

It feels really good to help people, especially strangers who are taking your advice not because they know you, but because they respect your advice for what it is. I guess I am known for giving that hard-to-admit advice that sometimes isn't easy to see, but I love telling it like it is (even with all the trouble it has got me into).

It's simple for me to point out problems and fix other people's [love] lives, but why can't I help my own? I'm just as lost and confused as the people who come to me for advice. Perhaps my problems are more complex than others, but that's my ego talking. My problems are as petty as anyone else's.

I think because they're my problems, to me, they seem so big and unsolveable. But that's how it is with everyone. To each, their own problems seem so important and distracts them from seeing the simpleness of it.

And it's not like other people haven't tried to help me. I have taken some well-heeded advice, but sometimes it's not really enough. No offense to those who have tried to help me, but I need someone to snap me out of my funk, instead of feeling sorry for me or my situation. I need someone who isn't afraid to hurt my feelings (because that ship has sailed) and tell me what to do.

In the meantime, I'm 'self-therapeuting' myself with physical activity. Like I said before, I am looking forward to the warmer weather to be more active. It will help distract me (yeah, that doesn't really solve any problems) and improve my physical outlook because this chick's self-confidence walked out the door a long time ago and in walked self-pity.

I am really looking forward to the Argos Cheerleading tryouts this Saturday. The tryouts begin at 8 am and it is a series of routines they teach you as they eliminate you throughout the day. I really don't think I will make it past these preliminary auditions, but I look forward to the physical exhaustion. At least I will be trying out with some friends, so it won't be a lonely rejection (that's not to say that my friends will be rejected, it's just less embarrassing when I have friends with me as I'm being rejected than going through it alone).

The doctor is out.

Edited to add: Thinspiration

Adrianna Lima on the cover of April's issue of GQ:

I wonder if it's easier to pose nude if you're a 'virgin'...

I've Got to Keep it Together

2008-03-16T15:30:00.008-04:00

It's crunch time for me. I've got to get in shape. Not only for the Cheerleading tryouts next weekend, but just in general. Outdoor Sports Season is a-coming and I plan on coming full force into it: football, baseball, tennis, beach volleyball, dance, yoga ... you name it, I will do try it.

I think I've had enough of winter and cabin fever. Let's carry on.

I'm trying hard not to take a nap right now, even though it would feel so good right now. Problem is, I know if napped now, I won't be able to sleep and wake up early tomorrow for a meeting with clients.

The past weekend will surely shave off another year off my life. On Friday, the weekly Poker night was canceled so I went to My Apartment Nightclub. I really wanted to get my dance on as a workout. It was a good night, sorta.

The Good: Jezrin called me at the last minute and she actually came clubbing. I sense this is the beginning of me ~~introducing~~ shoving her back into a 20-something's social life.

The Bad: I got pulled over again. I'm mere months from obtaining my full driver's license. He pulled me over for me being in an intersection while the light was yellow. Whatever. WHATEVER.

[after giving the cop my driver's license, registration and insurance, he walked back to his car]

Me, slumped over the steering wheel: My night is officially ruined.

Cuong: Don't let this ruin your night.

Me: The night hasn't even begun and it's already ruined

Cop, comes out of nowhere: Don't speak so soon.

Oh shit.

The good thing is, he gave me just a warning. So I guess this goes under "The Good"...

Saturday was the night most hard-working people would celebrate St. Patrick's day, since this year, the actual day lands on a Monday. I was looking forward to going to Windsor for St. Patty's Day again this year, but alas, plans fall through and we had to reschedule that trip. I was looking forward to not having to 'plan' the event for everyone else in town and leave everyone else to their own devices but since I was in town, the party stayed in town. ;)

On a whim, I decided to combine my 'party' with Vicki's. And why not? We each had 'duties' of being the ones to plan this thing so we might as well join forces (or just be lazy and rely on Vicki for the main planning and hosting). It turned out to be an awesome idea. It felt good combining our 'second-families'. The Polish and the Russians duked it out on Wii tennis as a sort of nationalistic pride thing and Nick even realized that one of Vicki's friends was his boss! Small friggin' world. I think the Europeans even outnumbered the Asians, for once. First we had a pre-party at Vicki's abode. Jello shots, alcohol, Wii galore! Once we got nice and tipsy (me, drunk), we piled into 5 cars and went to West 50.

I think at this point, one would call this the 'climax' of the evening. The major problem was that since Mel's bday, West 50 did not forget Cuong's face when they kicked him out the last time. Or at least, the bouncer didn't forget his face and then made some absurd excuse that half of us couldn't get in because we were wearing running shoes (even though he had let in tons of sneaker-footed people ahead of us). After a little chiding, and me having a talk with the manager (again!), we were finally let in on the condition that Cuong "didn't give [them] shit or else we would all be thrown out". I think it's safe to say that we won't be returning to West 50 so it's a good thing we made the most of the rest of the night.

As usual, they had a live cover band and a DJ. I loved belting out the tunes but I finally lost my voice ~~singing~~ screaming "Killing Me Softly" and then I was done (speaking-wise).

The after-party carried on back to Vicki's house. We stayed up until 5:30 am until I finally had to kick everyone out of Vicki's house. Some of us crashed (uncomfortably) at Vicki's and woke up groggily at about 11 am to clean up and get something to eat.

Today I think I found a wrinkle, which is kinda terrifying me right now. I really don't know how long I can last through these partied-out weekends, but I have a feeling this is only the beginning...

^ I guess there's no point in not tagging Nick in drunk Facebook pics because his boss already caught the live show...

One person's confiscated good, is another's treasure

2008-03-09T20:29:00.008-04:00

I recently came across eBay listings from the Toronto Police Auction. I don't know why, but I was semi-hoping to maybe find a once-confiscated Acura RSX (with millions of dollars in cash stowed away in the glove compartment) on there. Instead I came across some interesting items.

When you see the things that are being auctioned off by the police, you can't help but wonder where they have been and how/why/where they were confiscated. Not to mention from whom. They don't put them in the item descriptions but they really should because if I ever bought anything from the police, I will always wonder what stories they hold. I saw things ranging from a bunch of kids' socks (sad) to bikes that were going for 2 bucks!

I think the police would actually get more money if they posted the circumstances in which the items were acquired. Who wouldn't want a former druglord's Persian rug?!

Other items I can't help but wonder where they've been...

Item #1:

Actual eBay Description: "This set of 36 mini nail polish bottles comes in a practical, step down tray for showing off your collection, and hosting a fun, luxurious girls night in. These mini sized bottles are ideal for stowing away in even the smallest night out purse, and make fun, adventurous stocking stuffers too!" (this was probably written buy a guy because we girls don't do 'Girls Nites' with tacky pink nail polish)

What it should probably say: "This set of 36 mini nail polish bottles was part of a raid of a small Asian massage parlour offering massages with 'happy endings' and masquerading as a nail salon in downtown Chinatown."

Item #2

Actual Description: "These funky and fashionable shoes will definitely make you stand out in a crowd! They are black, with about a 4 inch platform heel, and have a running shoe look with laces up the front and shiny stripe accents."

What it should probably say: "These tacky shoes once belonged to a hooker caught in the backseat of a car with Charlie Sheen parked behind the Denny's. Ghonnerhea sold separately."

Item #3 Actual Description: "This classic camera zoom lens appears to be German made. It has a unique look with its aluminum finish."

What it should probably say: "Attention Peeping Toms and Stalkerazzos! Once belonging to former paprazzo-turned Britney's beau, Adnan Ghalib, you too can make great snatches of unsuspecting celeb snatches! This premium German-made lens provides for close-up shots from even the greatest of distances from helicopters and clear moving shots from high-speed moving SUVs on the highways. Creepy mannequin hand sold separately."

Grasping to control, so I better hold on...

2008-03-09T15:15:00.005-04:00

I've decided that I'm currently sick of the rut I'm in. I believe I've hit an all-time low right now. I know I can't change my past, so I will do my damn well best to alter my future before I am forever in this dark mood I've been in since the beginning of the year.

I've realized certain things in the past month:

1. I *heart* New York. And not in that yuppy tourism way. I really love it there. I think I will try to make it my annual trip thing and be a part-time New Yorker. My retreat, if you will. I love the atmosphere, the people, the pretentiousness, the dirty and yes, even the subways are 'charming'. With so many people with bigger problems, yours seems so petty. And dammit, I will know my way around New York City with my eyes closed one of these days.

2. I need to go back to doing what I like to do because that was when I was happiest. For example, writing and dance. It's impossible to do both at the same time (haha, I'm picturing myself doing it right now), so in the first instance, I have signed up for a Creative Writing program at the University of Toronto. It's going to be a bitch working and going to school at the same time again but I hope it's work-intensive and keeps my mind off of other things. It was kind of a spontaneous idea but I handed over my credit card and am forking over the thousands of dollars to do this with (hopefully) no regret.

As for dance, I will start up dance classes again in addition to trying out for the Toronto Argonauts Cheerleading Team. Yep, a cheerleading team. Why, of all people, would I join a cheerleading team, where I will have to force a smile at every game (and practice) and lower my self-esteem even more by trying out with beautiful women (and friends) setting myself up for rejection? I don't know, I like to see how low I can go, I guess. But I like the dance aspect of it (not to mention the football part) and it sounds like fun. Even if I don't make it, at least I could say I once tried out for a cheerleading squad of a national team. Ha. This also means I have to 'workout' in the next couple of weeks because they require bare mid-drifts and tight ass-pants (notice I didn't say 'tight-ass pants'). Yay.

3. I need a car. As much as I like it and rely on it, public transportation will not be able to take me to all the things I want to do in the amount of time I have, in the different cities I have to be in. So, I am currently in the market for a vehicle. Preferably an Acura RSX, but I know these days, my luck never seems to see a good day. So any other non-ugly, non-Korean manual transmission automobile under $10k and no more than 4-years old car will suffice. Preferably in black or white. I've commissioned the services of Yuri (car fiend) and April (licensed car dealer) to help me find one. Let's hope I don't end up with a lemon. That reminds me: I gotta get my full license this Spring and master manual driving.

So yeah, I guess you could say big things will be poppin' for me, mainly because I have to force it. I hope all this work is worth it.

I can't waste time, so give it a moment

I realize, nothing's broken

No need to worry 'bout everything I've done

Live every second like it was my last one

Don't look back got a new direction

I loved you once, needed protection

You're still a part of everything I do

You're on my heart just like a tattoo

On Pins and Needles

2008-03-06T21:44:00.004-05:00

I hate going to the doctor. But really, who does? Going to the doctor produces nothing but bad news and heavy feelings of worry. If we haven't received bad news yet, feelings of anxiety are just as bad as we wait on impending results of tests.

In case you can't tell, there's a lot of cynicism coming from me about doctors, and the medical field altogether.

I personally hate going to my doctor, because as far as I can remember, every time I do, I somehow somehow always need to get a needle. I mean, I like her as a person and doctor, but I somehow have a "GIVE HER A NEEDLE" written across my forehead. If it's not a booster shot, it's an immunization. If it's not an immunization, it's a blood test. WTF. I secretly think they 'talk' me into doing blood tests because they don't think it's fair that I hog my blood and refuse to donate voluntarily. Ha.

And in case you really can't tell, I absolutely hate getting needles. I recall the last time they tried to give me one and I screamed and screamed until my mother finally had to carry me out, probably mortified as she walked through the waiting room with a chicken shit of a child.

My doctor recently recommended I get a blood test done, especially since I haven't been to the doctors in ages, and it's about due time I 'donate' blood. I really didn't want to, but I figured if I didn't, it would be on my permanent medical record that I am difficult and contact Public Health or something. Whatever. I could've easily just said no (hey, who's going to force me?) but there is a part of me that is curious if there's anything internally wrong with me, aside from the emotional and karma part.

I guess it was good timing that I had to do this now, because I really feel like since I'm already feeling like I'm in the shits, there might as well be more piles of shit piled on me now because it doesn't make a difference. Nothing worse (at least for me) can be worse than having to go through this whole situation at all.

The day before I went to the lab, I psyched myself out about getting the needle. I give myself tons of papercuts everyday at work, and they hurt like a bitch, how much more can a needle hurt? Saying stuff like that to myself was probably not a good idea, because as soon as I got there and I was put in Room #1, and instantly I wanted to run.

I don't know what I would have done if Vicki and Peter didn't come with me. Peter waited in the Waiting Room but I made Vicki come in with me. I needed someone to tell me what to do. I needed someone to sit me down and not let me move until it was done. I needed someone to bring the doctor back into the room after I pissed her off with "bullshit anxiety" and refusal to go through with it. Most of all, I just needed someone. It sounds really tacky, but having to get that needle has never made me feel more alone. Weird, eh?

The saddest part was that there was a little girl waiting to get her shot done too, and apparently I had freaked her out a little because she (and everyone else) could hear my ranting from the Waiting Room. It took 20 minutes before I finally let the nurse do her thing. I made Vicki distract me with interesting gossip. I swear, I was letting Vicki distract me. but it didn't work. I still knew what was going on on my left arm, and I felt every second of it. Ugh. Anyway, it took me like 5 minutes to recover after it was done and still bitch about the needle and guess what? That little girl even left before I finished ranting and left the office. She was in and out and I was still in the lab bitching. I'm such a wuss.

In any case, it's done and over with. And now, it's probably the worst time for anyone after having bloodwork done: the wait for the results.

To be continued.

What Spring may bring...

2008-03-02T16:14:00.004-05:00

I'm so ready for Spring now. Yesterday I went with the ladies (Nam, Yuri, Alex and Tom) and Mr. and Mrs. Doubov to Blue Mountain for what may very well have been the last bout of snowboarding for the winter season.

We had quite a bit of snowfall on Friday, so it made for really terrific snowboarding conditions yesterday and a great end to the season. I believe this is the most times I've gone snowboarding in one season ever, since I don't have school work to bog me down anymore. I'm really proud of myself and the way I have improved this year (even if others don't see it, I feel I've improved).

It has come to be my 'therapy'. I prefer to go off on my own (while others take the terrains or prefer not to wait for me, or I not of them) and just exhaust my body and mind from anxiety while going what seems like 60 km an hour down a snowy hill that can very well meet my demise, despite wearing a helmet.

I guess you could say I improved myself because of everything that has gone on in my life recently, I have lost more inhibitions and am more willing to take risks (like go faster!!) and just close my eyes, just do it and not care what happens. I used to be really, really careful and too scared to go straight down and fast. Instead I would cascade my way down, slowly but surely. How about that? Some good comes out of everything.

I hope a new season brings some new change, especially for me. I really need it. Change of pace, change of scenery, change of everything!

My body is still sore, but I think I will go over to Jez's today and help her with her moving.

Say OK

2008-02-27T23:44:00.003-05:00

Man, I don't think I've ever worked so hard in my life. I have a gazillion paper cuts on my hands to prove it. People come into my office and ask if I'm even exhausted because they can hear me click-clacking away at the keyboard and answering multiple phone calls at once, while writing on a message pad. I say I'm not.

I actually don't feel exhausted until I leave my office building, which is ironically what I don't like about my days. If I don't stop working, I can't feel exhausted--that's my logic for now. I don't even like stopping for lunch. I guess I'm like one of those people who feel like once they take a break, it's hard to get back to work.

Or I'm a workaholic.

This week has been particularly exhausting because I have multiple real estates closings per day, reporting letters to send out and I'm still trying to keep up with the work I missed while I was in NYC, still.

On a lighter note, I finally received my Commissioner's stamp in the mail. I don't know if that is necessarily a 'lighter note' since it's work-related. I just like receiving packages in the mail.

I <3 NY Part II

2008-02-24T17:20:00.015-05:00

Last night was Megan's birthday party. It was good. Meg's parents had a buffet-style dinner for us at their house and we mingled and played Pictionary. That was so fun. My team won, of course. Later that night we hopped on a limo and went to Level Nightclub. I came home pretty late and woke up about three hours ago. Gah. I both hate and love that. I hate that I woke up so late in the day but I love that I got a good 8 hours of sleep after the most time- and energy- consuming week ever.

I had about a week's worth of work waiting for me when I got back on the first day after the long weekend. I barely caught up with it by Friday. This coming week is going to be really stupid ridiculous because I have like 10 ten closings and a dozen clients to see, etc. *sigh. I will crawl back to bed for more sleep, but not before I finally finish my long-awaited accounts of my trip to New York:

On the second day, it was rainy so we decided it would be a perfect day to be indoors in one of NYC's world-famous museums. We chose the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA). The MoMA is huge and gorgeous. I really enjoyed seeing some of my favourite artists' works (Pollock, Monet). One of the security guards was even hitting on me and tried to convince me to move to NYC (hmm...). It was a pretty hip and happening place in general and we even managed to get to all the floors in a short amount of time before we had to get to the studio where they were taping The Daily Show.

The show was good and it happened to be the first day of the end of the Writers' strike, too. I came out of the bathroom (for VIPs, ahem) and who did I see? An old highschool friend from home! He was with his girlfriend for a wedding and came to see the show as well. Small world.

I made a bet with myself that he would mention the U.S. Presidential Elections. I won $20 from myself (because no one else would bet me). Oh yeah, on our way to meeting my cousin we saw one of the dancers from Dancing with the Stars. *click* And when I was waiting for my cousin to finish work, who did I find but Lil Kim in his lobby? In person, she is short and she reeked of make up. But it was still cool to see her although I wanted to ask her why she hasn't released a decent album since Notorious K.I.M..

After The Daily Show, we went to the Jay-Z owned, 40/40 Club since I promised myself I would at least check it out. We played some pool in the "Jay Z Room" and ate some of the over-priced food before we headed to K-town and ate at a decent moderately-priced Korean restaurant.

The next day we decided to head to downtown Manhattan towards SoHo, Chinatown and Wall Street. We could've gone to see the site where the WTC used to be but we didn't have time and frankly, I didn't really think it would be anything but a very large construction site. My uncle took us for a tour of Chinatown and we had some Dim Sum before leaving us on our own in Canal Street.

I guess it is true what they say about Canal Street, that you can find the best fakes there. But I really don't think you can find the best fakes unless you walk up to one of those vendors and ask to speak to someone named 'Mary' or something before they take you downstairs to a basement of fake Fendi's that would give Karl Lagerfeld a run for this money. I really didn't like being in Canal Street. firstly, because I hate fakes (suck it up and buy a real one) and secondly, the area was just so, so shady. People would come up to me and ask me if I wanted to buy a Rolex and shit. However, it also happened to be Valentine's Day and a kind gentleman came up to me and gave me a rose, so that was nice (although I'm sure a lot of not-so-savvy people would think that was creepy). It was sweet and kinda brightened up my mood. I ended up giving it to some guy on the street who asked me for it (lol yeah, he asked me for it) and since I didn't wanna hold the thing all day anyway, I told him to go make another woman happy. My good deed of the year DONE.

After Canal Street we went to SoHo which was a vast difference from Canal. So much better. Better stores (even bought something from Burberry!) and the people were more my type of people.

I have to stop here and mention something. Because we were in NYC, between Mel and I, there were alot of Friends, Seinfeld, and Sex and the City (mostly me) references and quotes. In fact, we really outdid it but what the hell, it's New York!

The SoHo area was the 'setting' of where the characters in Friends live and it was pretty true to the show, even though it was filmed in Hollywood. We were so cliché we even chilled in a coffee shop. But seriously, it is a place I would really consider living because of the people and the general area. Too bad it is too cha-ching.

After SoHo, we made our way to NYU and then we had to head back uptown to meet my aunt for dinner at a good Thai restaurant and to see Rent. After the show she took us back to New Jersey. I must say, I was pretty impressed with her driving through New York City. She's a true New Yorker and you really have to be to drive safely in the city. I can't tell you how many times I had to hold my breath just watching NYC traffic and being a pedestrian. Traffic signs and pedestrians mean nothing to NYC cabbies.

New Jersey was a nice change of pace from being in the city for the past few days. Instead of crowdiness and rush hour, it was calm and relaxing. Instead of cabbies, there were trees. Instead of sky scrapers and tall buildings, it was huge mansions and tall trees. Instead of Canal Street, there was Nordstroms. Instead of Lil Kim, well, actually there was a certain East Coast rap artist who lived right around the corner and another several blocks away.

The town we were in was near other small towns and not far from New York State so we mostly saw little towns around there like Ho-ho-kus and Suffern (the towns Carrie went to with Aiden in Sex and the City!). We were taken to some quaint, but unique places. For example, we went to see a movie (I forget what it was called right now) in a theatre that was actually converted from an old-style theatre, complete with an actual live organ player! We went to a Mexican restaurant, which was actually pretty awesome considering I've never really had Mexican food besides Taco Bell (Mexican food is pretty popular in the States).

The next morning, we got up early and went to a pancake restaurant a few towns away. It was soooooo good. They have this thing called 'Lumberjack Pancakes' which is two pancakes, each with a diameter of at least 1.5 feet and is 1-inch thick! My ambitious teen-aged male cousin had it and didn't even make a dent in the second one. The restaurant boasts huge portions and it was funny because they left out containers for people to take unfinished pancakes home. I would have to say it was one of the best pancakes I've ever had.

We went back to the city and went to the Museum of Natural History and then had dinner at an incredible Japanese restaurant. Afterwards was we saw another broadway, Phantom of the Opera. I have see Phantom on Broadway before in Toronto but that was about 10 years ago. I forgot the plot and most of the songs, so I didn't mind seeing it again.

The next morning we had brunch at a '60's-style diner, which I am convinced is owned by a Soprano (even though they're supposed to be fictional, I'm pretty sure it's based on some high-profile mobsters in New Jersey). Nevertheless, the food was good. We went back to the city again to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Yup, another museum, another art museum. You can't say we didn't do enough in NYC.

After the Met, we went back to Jersey with some Malaysian takeout and ate dinner in front of a movie. It was definitely a nice, relaxing end to the trip. Good movie, good food, good memories.

The next morning we had to wake up at 4 am to catch our 7 am flight. It's a good thing we packed the night before because I had a real tough time getting everything into my suitcase. I didn't understand how I still had trouble packing since half my luggage was gifts when I arrived and I had unloaded them all. I didn't think I bought that much. To this day, I'm still perplexed as to how my 'packing math' didn't add up.

The flight home wasn't as great as when we departed Toronto. It was very turbulent and Mel actually got sick on the plane unlike the first time. At least they played her favourite show, How I Met Your Mother, on the plane, otherwise the entire flight would have been miserable for her.

The trip to New York was ~~great~~ awesome. I left behind my troubled thoughts and feelings and forgot about all my problems when I was there. I missed everyone, but it also felt terrific to know that I am able to go out on my own (with Mel to navigate). For a brief moment, I even wondered how it was possible for me to have to my problems when there is so much more to the world than silly heartache and drama. We are but tiny, tiny irrelevancies (as I discovered while visiting the Space exhibit at the Museum of Natural History) to the World and to everyone else, if you think about it.

But it's really funny (and sad) that even when you come home to those problems you consider serious, you still manage to forget about everything else in the world once again.

^On the NYC subway ^Big Monet ^Me in front of a Pollock ^Mel and the guy from Dancing with the Stars ^Me and Lil Kim. Chill. ^@The Daily Show ^A familiar face from home. ^Times Square ^Does Jay Z really need to charge $8 for a PB & J sandwich? ^Wacky waving inflating flailing arm tube man! ^Canal Street ^Soho ^Burberry ^Washington Square Park @ Museum of Natural History ^Delicious Jap food ^ the Met ^doing The Egyptian ^another Pollock ^outside the Met

I <3 NY Part I

2008-02-18T12:16:00.013-05:00

I landed in Toronto about 3.5 hours ago and I should be crashing in my bed just like Mel is. I had about 3.5 hours of sleep and we had to get up at 4:30 am to get to LaGuardia in a downpour. Then again, I'm not the one who got air sick. Haha.

What can I say about New York, except that it was A-W-E-S-O-M-E? I'm so so glad I went through with the trip, as last minute as it was. How about that? Turns out I am capable of doing grown-up things like buying plane tickets and traveling by myself to a strange city.

We got to NYC at about 5 pm on Monday. We stayed with my aunt and uncle in Long Island and the first thing I realized was that there was absolutely no snow on the ground. I had left Toronto in about a foot of fresh snow and I set foot on a dry, yet dirty, New York City street. Everyone said it had been an unseasonably warm winter (hello, Winter '07 in Canada!).

The next day, Mel and I took the train by ourselves into the city. The train we took I would say was equivalent to the GO train we have here. It only took about 40 minutes and we ended up in front of Macy's on 43rd (?). I admit, it took me a good while to figure out how to make my way around the city. All those numbers, all those one-way streets. Thank goodness I had Mel.

We went to the sights that were 'touristy' and what my family and everyone else had suggested: 5th Avenue, Trump Tower, Empire State Building, Madison Square Gardens, etc., etc. I won't bore you with the details, but whatever you want to do in NYC we probably did it. We even had our first of several celeb sightings at NBC Studios with Keenan Thompson of Keenan and Kel (and now, SNL)!

My cousin works in advertising, so she has many connections. It's too bad she didn't realize how many things we were into, otherwise I'm sure she could've done more for us, but what she could do at the last minute was hook us up with tickets to see the Broadway show, Xanadu and got us some VIP seats to see The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Not too shabby. She could have taken us with her to see Matchbox Twenty but my aunt was taking us to see Rent that night. Ahh, so much to do, so little time.

We most walked around Midtown. The pics are pretty self-explanatory, I think.

That night, before we went to see Xanadu, my cousin's Italian husband took us to an Italian restaurant called Becco in the Theatre District. I was surprised to find that seeing Broadway shows is a big thing in NYC and there's about a dozen or so out. That was one big difference I found between Toronto and NYC. Also, Broadway tickets are pretty expensive. But then again, NYC is extravagant like that.

Anyway, I'm off to go out for some coffee with Konrad. I have been deprived of Tim Horton's for a week and that ain't right.

^Mel studying in the airport ^Me pretending to look business-like, but I was really looking at my concert pics of Tokio Hotel ^Let's play "Who Gets Motion Sickness First". I won. ^Waiting for the Long Island Train into Manhattan ^Long Island ^Manhattan ^Madison Square Gardens ^If you see the PoPo, lemme know ^Me and Lady Lib ^We forego paying $30 to go up the Empire State Building so we opt for the next best thing ^Futile sign ^Me on 5th Avenue waiting for Mel to buy 50 postcards ^Gorgeous BCBG dresses ^Of course we just had to stop at the library for Mel ^Snow in Manhattan! ^Times Square ^Keenan Thompson and I at NBC Studios ^Best $7 steak ever, although my cousin said it might not have been steak... ^Roc-a-fella? ^Rockefellar Centre ^The mothership awaits... ^Walking up 5th Avenue ^Remember on Sex and the City where Carrie sees Big take his mother to the church on 5th Avenue? This is it. ^Is the Donald in? ^"Fow" Schwarz

Hihihihihi!

2008-02-16T08:37:00.015-05:00

Hellloooo from NEW YORK! Actually, I'm in New Jersey now. I was in NYC for the past three days and lo-oved it! I think I shall seriously consider moving and become a New Yorker. I don't think there's one thing I don't like about it.

I'll post some pictures but I should first rewind. I haven't been at a computer, or I should say, online, for the longest time because I was super busy before coming here. Not to mention the last minute ticket-getting and all, I also had a concert the day right before my flight. I know, I know. My dad says I tend to burn two ends of a candle all the time. A concert and then leave right after? I'm ridiculous. But I'm fantastic when it comes to planning like this.

I was excited to hear that finally one of my favourite oversea bands was finally coming to North America (BoA, I'm still waiting!). However, I really underestimated Tokio Hotel's popularity in Canada, let alone North America. The doors were set to open at 7 pm so I figured, "Eh, we'll get there at 7. It's not like it's going to be packed..."

...WRONG!! Firstly, I had originally purchased two tickets but then a week before the concert, I wanted to get another one for Whitney. I really wish I didn't procrastinate (although, in my defense, I was swamped with trying to finish everything at work before I left and trying to secure plane tickets for the trip simultaneously) because I did not anticipate the concert being sold out. WHAT?! Who the hell knows about a little band from Germany? Turns out the internet is quite a powerful little tool.

The concert was last Sunday night and it was bitterly cold. I regretted opting out of wearing Uggs at the last minute because when we got there, there was a massive line up. I truly thank Mel for coming with me because I don't know a.) how I would've gotten there, b.) how I could've beared staying out in that cold for 45 minutes before they let us in, c.) I could've taken awesome pictures while I was watching the show, and d.) how I could've made some money off some girlie yuppies (I'll explain later). Thanks, Little Sister. :) Although, she did say she wanted to go to look at the 'freak show' that is the lead singer, Bil Kauvitz.

When we finally got in, I got a look at the fans that showed up and it was what I had feared: teen-aged girls. Screaming teen-aged girls. Screaming, skanky teen-aged girls. And their mothers. Ugghhh. Why couldn't they have been mature fans, who applaud, not scream?

The concert itself was quite good. They sang all the songs I favoured from their new English album and even some of the German versions. The concert was short, but good. I really don't know how it could've gone on longer anyway. Those screaming girls don't have that much of a lung capacity, do they? These chicks were hardcore. They sang along to every song, even the German versions.

At the end of the concert, in true rock-form style, the band members through their towels and water bottles into the crowd. Mel, being the giant that she is, managed to catch a used towel from the bassist.

Now, I have to stop and say this. Being at that concert was like Beetlemania. I was once a young girl with marital yearnings of certain band members in my hay day, so I could somewhat feel empathetic to most of the girls in the concert. But let's be clear: I'm 24 now. I'm not attracted to any of the band members (who, might I add, are barely legal). I just like their music and I like looking at freak shows. There were several chicks (several young chicks with their mothers) who actually came all the way from Europe!

So the towel Mel caught was a little bit exciting. But because I'm 24, I knew better and I know a used towel, no matter whose sweat is on it, is still a used towel. I didn't want to take the filthy thing home but I didn't want to just throw it away. So I found some girls hanging out outside of the club and told them it was the guitarist's towel, when really it was the bassist's. Why did I lie? Because I knew the guitarist was more popular and I figured I could get more money for it. Haha, yeah I know, I have no shame. Honestly, those girls are lucky I didn't scam them out of more than $20 because in about 10 years they'll realize how foolish it is to buy a used towel (or I'll realize that towel is worth $10,000).

Anyway, I'm going back to NYC now.

^Young, skanky German chicks

^Idiot with a huge sign in front of me

^Inexplicable hair

^This guy has the biggest ego and you could so tell with the way he was performing

^Rock out with your cock out

^You're welcome, ladies

New York New York

2008-02-07T00:02:00.001-05:00

Next week I'm leaving on a jet plane to fabulous New York City. Why? To see family, to shop, to take a break, mostly to just get away from here, to be honest. It was kind of a last-minute decision and I'm still finalizing the plans.

I can't wait. I can't wait to get on that plane. I can't wait to get my passport stamped. I can't wait to set foot at La Guardia. I can't wait to see my cousins. I can't wait to see the three (yes, three!) Broadway shows my cousin and aunt have set up for me. I can't wait to go to Saks (the actual one on 5th Avenue). I can't wait to take the subway. I can't wait to take in that city-polluted air. I can't wait to go and not look back, not even a glance.

It's really too bad Fashion Week ends this Friday, otherwise I'd definitely try to get into some shows. Aw man, New York Fashion Week is the best because it has most of my favourite designers. Oh well. We can't have it all, most of all, me.

Anyway, enough about New York for now. I don't want to jinx it until my travel agent calls me tomorrow and I hear her say "You're booked" and my Visa is charged. Yippee.

Doctor Mom

2008-02-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

My birthday finally ended today. I just had a pretty awesome dinner with the ladies tonight (thanks for the Coach purse!!). We went to the most expensive restaurant in Toronto, CANOE, which is at the top of the TD Canada Trust building. I remember having a job interview there with a large law firm and I'm glad I didn't get it. The office is on like, the zillionth floor, and riding the elevator everyday would be like riding a rollercoaster. *barf*

Today I also went to see my doctor for the first time in eight years. The secretary even mentioned she had quite the task of finding my file, which was probably all the way in their dusty archives. Why did I decide to go to the doctor's after almost a decade? Well, I figured with all this hubbub about family doctors dropping like flies in Canada, I decided to drop by and remind my doctor that I'm still alive. Also, I had come up with a couple of health questions over the last eight years that I needed answers to.

However, I think I now need to change my doctor. My mom got me this white female doctor because (1) I needed to 'graduate' from my pediatrician and (2) she thought getting a female doctor would be more helpful if I had...certain problems. Haha, I still remember having the argument with her about how a doctor cannot reveal my medical records to her just because she was my mother and she was furious. I kinda wish I had a young, hip, [possibly hot] male doctor. For one, I don't think they would be as judgmental about anyone's sex life, especially a female's, as a female doctor would.

Just like how you shouldn't lie to your lawyer, I didn't want to lie to my doctor. She asked me the tough questions, I gave her the straight up answers. Her reactions were, in not so many words, judgmental. At least, that's how I felt. The answers I gave were, let's just say, not so favourable, she frowned, she told me that I shouldn't have done it, all I could do was shrug.

"Do you use condoms every time?"

"Uh..."

Frown.

"You should use condoms every single time."

"Yeah, I know..."

"Any reasons why you wouldn't use a condom every time?"

Shrug.

Honestly, what kind of question is that?

There were more questions and I gave her more sheepish answers. I felt like Samantha from Sex and the City when she went to go get that HIV test and the doctor asks her all those questions. I'm not as bad as Samantha, but my doctor made me feel like it. You would think she probably hears all kinds of crazy stories, probably far worse than mine. Or maybe most of her patients are children. I felt like I was talking to a less freaked out version of my mother.

She asked me to make an appointment again with her shortly. I made the appointment for eight years from now.

I know there's like some sort of doctor shortage, but how hard do you think it will be to find a hot, young male doctor in the Mississauga area? Hm?

I Remember... too much

2008-02-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

As I was waiting for the subway home, I saw a poster reading: "Sad and Lonely? You may be depressed...".

The thing that caught my eye on the advertisement was not only the the 'sad and lonely?' part, but I was a little surprised when I read 'depressed'. DEPRESSED. What a word. It felt like receiving an exam you thought you did well on, only to discover you failed.

If I am feeling sad and lonely, could I be *gulp* depressed? I know it says that I may be depressed, but just the possibility is like saying sitting in front of the computer for a long time may give you cancer. You don't want to hear it but the reality of it is, it's not totally out of reach.

I can't be depressed I used to think that for one to be depressed, they would have to be in a constant state of sadness, because the circumstances around them are seemingly hopeless and pessimistic. I also associate 'depression' as a little melodramatic way of emphasizing the stuff that 'sucks' in one's life. However, I have been feeling lower than I've ever felt before (or as far as I can remember) and it's hard to fathom when/if it will last.

But let us examine the meaning of 'depression' a little closely and a little more 'professionally'. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "depression" as, "(1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies".

That subway advertisement really got me thinking: Could I be depressed? It's so melodramatic of me to even ask that, but I would like to understand how I'm feeling right now and most of all, when it will last. Let's break it down:

State of feeling sad? Hm, I guess you could say I do feel an overwhelming sadness as of the start of this year. And I guess you could say I've been in a 'state' of being sad because I can't remember the last time I was truly happy (actually I can, and that was last year).

Inactivity? Well I have been trying to be inactive, but stuff keeps coming up that forces me to be active: yoga, certain birthdays, other people needing company (and my not wanting to let them down). Does wanting inactivity count as inactivity?

Difficulty in thinking and concentration? Sometimes I do try to think of things that aren't relevant to what brings me down, but my mind tends to drift back to it and I torture myself with scenarios that may/may not/have yet to have happened. I kinda blame listening to sad music for this.

Significant increase or decrease in appetite? Definitely increase. Significant? I usually eat like a bird. Lately I've been in eating like a squirrel. Time spent sleeping? Oddly enough, I've spent less time sleeping.

Feelings of dejection and hopelessness? YES and YES.

Sometimes suicidal tendencies? Definitely not. I don't think I've ever felt something was that bad that I needed to off myself. No, definitely no. However, recently I've had stronger feelings of risk-taking and less inhibitions in which I'm not as scared about harming myself as I once was.

I find it a bit odd to associate feelings of both sadness and loneliness to depression. What is it to be sad? To never feeling happiness? Constant feelings of wanting to cry? Hating to see other people happy but at the same time wishing for them to be happy? I honestly sometimes feel either or both of those things, but they come and go. So I'm not really in a 'state' of sadness.

I do tend to find things that cheer me up once in awhile (like new shoes!) but it doesn't always last. As for loneliness, I do feel lonely but I feel selfish for saying that. I feel selfish because I really don't have a reason to say I'm lonely when I am definitely not lacking in companionship and I most definitely don't feel like being in any sort of relationship right now, serious, casual or sexual. However, I think I feel lonely in a sense that I feel alone as to how I feel and how I comprehend the way things are for me, like the shit I deal with that only seems to happen to me. I don't really share a lot of the complicated things that go through my head because it would be a long-winded ramble that no one would want to try and understand (for example, this entry). A lot of people think they know what's better for me than I know myself, and perhaps that is true, but it's not completely true.

I think it would take quite a bit of time spent in the above-noted circumstances in order for one to become depressed because during that time those symptoms become more severe. I really can't tell if I'm depressed yet and I guess me trying to self-diagnose myself does not help. Also, it would have to be that every aspect of One's life encompasses all those symptoms of depression, like in work, family, friends, love, sex, money, etc. Right now it just seems to be my personal life. Work, family and money are A-OK, for now.

I'm just gonna give it some time and see what transpires. There's two ways this can go: (1) whatever I'm feeling now, I will get over, with time. Time heals all wounds, right? Or, (2) everything for me [seemingly] worsens and I do spin into some vortex of sad faces in which there is no help saving me. But whether or not my sordid feelings turn into bigger problems, it helps to first admit there may be a problem.

Casino Royale

2008-01-29T19:57:00.000-05:00

So my birthday is officially over. I can't believe it lasted for like, 3 days straight. Gah.

I have to be honest, though. My birthday was bittersweet. I wasn't expecting anything more, anyway. However, it was more sweet than bitter.

Allow me to break it down...

Sweet: Many people were still able to make it, even though I canceled, put it on again, changed the date, and changed it back again. Special thanks goes out to Yuri who emphasized to me that he had to make some serious study adjustments just so he could make it. 143, Yuri.

Bitter: We left Mississauga pretty late on Saturday. Later than I had hoped because I wanted to get there early to get some Poker in before clubbing. I still don't know whose bright idea it was to go to Pho before we left.

Sweet: The hotel suite was AMAZING. It was a very good thing I called days before to confirm I was getting the suite I wanted because they were going to put me in a regular room with 2 Queens. And then they said that I could get my suite but with only one King. I was willing to tolerate it but I was delighted to find out that when I checked in they had put 2 Queens in my suite. The suite was at the end of the hall (away from the other rooms) and our room was not adjacent to any other rooms. It's a good thing too, because we weren't quiet (hell, there was 13 of us!). Also, they gave me a room facing the Falls. BONUS!

Bitter: I ended up canceling bottle service at Dragonfly Nightclub because my main reasons for doing it (Nam and Alex) refused to go to the club and played Poker instead. Bah well.

Sweet: Dragonfly was awesome. It was 21+ crowd, so that meant it was mostly old people, which was nice because it made me feel young[er].

Bitter: I was treading dangerous waters by taking cold medicine and alcohol in a span of 8 hours. Not only that, I lost my voice at Dragonfly, thereby making my sore throat worse.

Sweet: We came back to our suite to our very full fridge of al-co-hol!

Bitter: Finding out Yuri had left in the middle of the night because he was fed up with the 6 other people he had to sleep with who were talking until 6 a.m.!

Sweet: Waking up to the Falls RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

Bitter: Waking up with a mad hangover and a hoarse voice.

Sweet: Finding an All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast bar for $6.99 a block away!

Bitter: The All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Bar we went to was too good to be true. The food was abysmal and their sign was deceiving because we didn't expect the $4-5 juice and milk!

Sweet: We got an extension of our check out time by 3 hours!

Bitter: My parents were going to come up Sunday afternoon but changed their minds which resulted in a shortage of vehicles to get back home. Me and Dev opted to take the bus home.

Sweet: Because we were going to take the bus, we figured we could finally play Poker, which is what we wanted all weekend.

Bitter: Nam tried to kidnap me into driving with 6 people in the car and I made him turn around because I wasn't about to sit in a 2-hour drive with 6 people in one car.

Sweet: Nam and the rest of the car ended up staying to play Poker, too. AND I WON $103 IN POKER! HOLLA!!

Bitter: There's no use in pointing fingers, but when we had to go buy our bus tickets (and we were getting a little scared about not being able to get home), Dev defied my suggestions which resulted in a "I-told-you-so" moment and he ended up having to pay for a cab for us to go from Fallsview to Casino Niagara (loonnnng story). It was basically one of our 'bitter moments' from the weekend as a result of poor, spontaneous planning.

Sweet: Dev and I made it home Sunday night.

Sweet: I don't regret having my birthday party as originally planned.

There were more 'Sweet' moments because they were memorable and funny like when Cuong was the only who got searched at the club ("Why me?!") and when Nam took some stuff from the maid's cart like it was a buffet. And of course, once again having [most of] the people I love who are non-family under one roof, even the ones who make rare appearances (Katie). Hey, my birthday party even evoked a ChinKL reunion (minus Minh) but without the nostalgic reminiscing of our dances. Heehee.

My birthday 'weekend' ended with a fabulous dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse with my boss and getting some gifts from some people our office works with. It's really nice to know that my work is appreciated even if I've only been there for a year and a half. That job satisfaction makes me happy.

The pictures from my camera of this weekend sucked, mostly because of out-of-focus-ness and lack of more pictures. Hopefully Meg will send me more because I know she took some good one. Anyway, deal with these for now...

I need a Karma Upgrade

2008-01-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

Nothing seems to ever go right with me, huh? I seem to always have to pause every once in a while and ask, "Why me?".

After I canceled my birthday party in Niagara, I received quite a bit of feedback over not doing it. I never realized so many people were looking forward to it...which made me feel even worse. So guess what? It's on again.

I know, I know. I really shouldn't let other people dictate how I should deal with my life, but you know what? Sometimes other people know what's best for me better than I know myself. I'm still 'on hiatus' but I will still do my birthday in Niagara (and I apologize wholeheartedly for turning the thing on and off again. BLAH).

To be honest, when I reconvened planning the party, it cheered me up a little. Just a little. HOWEVER, now it's a race against time and my damn immune system. I've come down with some kinda cough/cold. UGH. Of all times to get sick (and that's rare for me), it has to be 4 days before my birthday party. I have, like, the worst karma in the world.

If it's not my emotions, it's my health. If it's not my health, it's my financials. If it's not my financials, it's my career. If it's not my career, it's my family. It's always something.

On a better note... my Tokio Hotel concert tickets came in the mail today. YEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!

Tokio Hotel in Toronto!

2008-01-19T01:44:00.000-05:00

YAY!!

Alas, some ~~good~~ great news for 2008!! One of my favourite bands (yes, bands. I do listen to other things besides hip hop music) Tokio Hotel is coming to Canada. They are a punk (?) rock band from Germany, and they've been quite successful in Russia, France, etc.

They aren't well-known here unless you're a foreign music lover who haunts foreign websites for foreign music (i.e. music) and has probably downloaded questionable bugs from questionable Russian websites just to get their music. I'm hopeful it won't be too crazy with screaming chicks (as it is in Europe). Unfortunately, it's all ages. The greatest thing that can happen that night is that I can meet the band...?! Just a pic would be nice. I don't think I'd be able to engage in a great conversation with them since they hardly speak English (their English album is treading the English language).

The premise: The group is comprised of four guys (yes, I know, the lead singer is just very pretty) from some small town in Germany, two of which are identical twins (the lead singer and the guitarist who looks like a wigga). They started out when the youngest were 14 or something (which is why a lot of their German music sounds like a child is singing---that's because a child is singing) and they became really popular in Germany. Like, boy band-popular: screaming girls, panties in the mail, groupies, more screaming girls. That kinda popular. I guess I can see the appeal. I was once a teenage girl. The thing that gets me is they are very open about their sexuality (in that they're slutty... lol) and they're so young. Hey, at least they're honest. That's what I like about them. Most of the content of their music is about revolution, making changes, not being told what to do, blah blah blah... I guess some people would call it 'emo' (but I'm still trying to figure out what 'emo' means).

I am inviting everyone and anyone who is willing to join me or listen to a new band. The tickets are only $15 and it will be held at The Mod Club Theatre on February 10 at 8 pm. Feel free to check out their music firsthand or you can ask me to send you their English album. I don't really expect lots of people to jump on board so quickly. In fact, I'm even willing to go all by myself if I have to. I haven't been this excited about a concert since I won Hanson concert tickets when I was 13.

Here I am 10 years later, and I'm acting like some crazed teenager. At least I'm a bit more dignified about boy bands now. However, I don't have a weird love-obsession with Tokio Hotel (P.S. half the members are barely legal) as I did with Hanson. I just like how unique and good their music is. One thing that awes me is that there are two identical twins in the band and they look and act as different as night and day. Besides, we all know how much I love foreign music (and men). I'm still waiting to hear of BoA or Namie Amuro to come to Canada. I'd be on that like white on rice (no pun intended).

Anyway, Tokio Hotel tickets go on sale tomorrow (today) at 10 a.m., so lemme know and I can bulk purchase.

MUST. REMIND. SELF. TO. ORDER. BEFORE. LEAVING. FOR. SNOWBOARDING.

Here's a clip of them performing at the Europe MTV Awards in Munich. Um...ignore the boo-ing.

The 'Fun' in Dysfunctional

2008-01-17T23:18:00.000-05:00

I recently made a revelation about myself. It's not quite an epiphany but I sense I'm getting warmer.

I had lunch with a friend the other day and they said something to me that really made me think for the next two days.

"The problem with you, Lil, is that you're too ...fun."

"Well, I know. I am a pretty fun person to be with. But what's wrong with that?" I asked.

"The problem is no one takes you seriously. That's why you have problems getting into relationships."

Hmm. An interesting point. I never really thought a nonchalant lifestyle like mine (or as I try to make it) could have such a downfall. But then again, I can't remember a time I've ever said I never wanted to be in a relationship. I know I've said I never want get married, but is that the same as not wanting to be in a relationship? I guess most people see marriage as some sort of goal of a relationship. Hm.

I decided to cancel my big 'Birthday Weekend Extravaganza' at Niagara this year. Not only do I not want to spend hundreds of dollars on myself if I will most likely feel bittersweet about getting old, but I figured it'll also tone down my 'fun-ness', y/n? It's simple math: the degree of fun that I am is proportionate to the dysfunctional-ness in my life. The less fun I am, the less dysfunctional I will be. We'll see how this goes. 2008 can't possibly have more dysfunctional-ness in store for me.

It really sucks that I have to a.) realize that getting old means I have to tone down some of the things I love the most (aw MANNNNNN) and b.) have to deal with the surprising reactions to my canceling of the event. Sorry, peeps. SORRY!

Oh, to be young again...

2008-01-15T22:38:00.000-05:00

This kid is too much. Man, I miss Australia.

Funny Kid Isnt Sorry About Huge Party - Watch more free videos

Eazy Peezy

2008-01-15T20:48:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do this weekend -- I did more.

Awhile ago, a client from the States needed a work permit to come to Canada. We got him the work permit, and while he was up here, his entire family died in a car accident back home. To top it off, it was around the holidays. I know, it's quite tragic and it's the most awful way to end the year. Friends and family won't leave him alone because they are afraid of what he might do. That's how I'm feeling right now.

As difficult as it is for me to express my feelings, it's amazing how some people see right through me when I say "I'm fine". I wish I was that intuitive with others. But truthfully, emotionally I'm feeling better than say, two weeks ago. Physically, though, I think I'm getting sick. Fffffuck.

This past weekend I planned on doing some stuff around the house like fix my dad's computer (ha! Or attempt to), fool around with my new bread maker, clear out some of my shit... but lo and behold, I fell back into my old ways: I went clubbing on Friday (really enjoyed the company) and on Saturday, Sarah and I went snowboarding at Blue. Despite the unseasonably balmy weather and the following freeze, the boarding conditions weren't as bad as I had feared. I really just went to let off some steam and lately I have felt like just being reckless. I attempted several Black Diamond trails and didn't die. Hooray for me. I think I'll forgo taking lessons this year and just lose the sense of fear [of dying] to help me get better at boarding. Ha.

On Sunday afternoon, I went downtown and met up with Ish for lunch and did some shopping. I haven't seen or talked to her in several months but it's amazing how well she still knows me. Although she's been going through some of her own personal shit, she knows how to spit the wise words to me.

Sarah and I tried 'hot yoga' last night, which was interesting. It's basically yoga in a sauna-like room. I hate saunas, so this was definitely a challenge. To my surprise, I actually enjoyed it (Sarah not so much). Maybe it was because I was doing something I previously hated and that made me enjoy it more. Does that make sense? *shrugs* Okay, from now on, I'm going to do things I previously hated and try to enjoy them. It will change my Karma, y/n? I think I might actually be getting more into this yoga thing. No, I don't feel entirely relaxed after it (or during it, still having trouble breathing) and I don't think I'm losing weight or getting toned by doing it. I think I like it because it's just so damn easy. Perhaps this is what I do 'wrong' in Life: do things the hard way. For once, I'm going to try and take the easy route.

...then you gotta breathe.

2008-01-10T00:03:00.000-05:00

I know I said before that I wanted to be left alone, but sometimes, I'm just grateful for the pushy friends who don't listen to me when I say that.

Sarah brought me to a new yoga place that opened up in Thornhill. We were the perfect candidates to check out this new place: we like free stuff and we are both in dire need of something like yoga to take us away from our problems. I was really looking forward to the class all day. Finally, a reason for why I buy all this expensive Lululemon clothing.

I haven't really been able to sleep well lately, nor have I been eating that great. Just going through a funk, I guess. I was never really open to yoga before because I am more into fast-paced, high-energy types of exercise, like dancing and snowboarding. I figured the yoga would be a good change of pace (and I need that) and Sarah had good intentions for bringing me (I really appreciated it, hun. ^_^).

I had a hell of a time getting a yoga mat. I steered clear of Lululemon since I knew it was the most expensive place to get gear for something I wasn't even sure I'd continue doing. I finally settled on an 'exercise mat' which I later found out was not appropriate for yoga (rubber mats are a must).

The yoga place was really nice. It was spa-like with all that peace and tranquility stuff. The instructor we had that night was pleasant and her voice was perfect for yoga because it was instantly calming. As relaxing as yoga is supposed to be, I found myself preoccupied with my breathing. Whenever I was just doing my own breathing, I'd be exhaling when she'd tell us to inhale. Ack. I've never been a good 'breather', which is probably why I suck at singing.

We did the usual yoga moves (at least the ones I've seen on T.V. and such). My favourite position was doggy... I mean, downward dog. ;)

I'll admit, yoga was relaxing ... sorta. That is, I felt sorta relaxed. Mind you it was my first time ever doing it, so perhaps the next time I'll be more relaxed. It cleared my mind a little and perhaps even released some of the tension I've accumulated in the past two weeks.

Maybe one of the reasons I couldn't get completely into it was all the reaffirming peace love and harmony stuff she was preaching. I felt like I was in therapy, where the instructor was like a psychiatrist telling me to love myself, love everyone, etc. Hm. That was something I could've done without although if I have to hear it often, I might just have to believe that bullshit.

We're going to go back next week and hopefully by then I'll be able to catch my breath. The wind has been knocked out of me just too many times.

By Your Side, Just for a Little While

2008-01-08T23:42:00.000-05:00

I may have done a couple of stupid things tonight, but I regret none.

Firstly, I went to a bar. I normally don't drink the night before I have to function (in this case, work), so I risked having to deal with a hangover the next day. Secondly, I walked home not sober, alone, at night, in the rain. To top it off, I even made a stop at the bank. Am I asking for trouble, or what? Thirdly, I lied to Vicki. I told her I would call her as soon as I got home. Actually I did call her when I got to my driveway, but I really felt like walking some more, so I kept going.

There is something about walking in the rain that is therapeutic. There's a reason people do it in movies and shit. The rain seems to wash away the cloudy thoughts and helps clear the mind. And it's easier to mask tears. Too bad it wasn't a thunderstorm. I've always wanted to be out in a thunderstorm. However, it just sucks to wear glasses and walk in the rain. It's like driving in a car with no windshield wipers.

I walked for a couple of blocks and stopped in front of P's house. I considered making The Call, but knew that I was in no mood to (nor do I think I will be for awhile), so I moved on.

The fourth thing I did today was make a call that was long overdue. I think I said as much as I could whilst a lil tipsy. The problem with me is that sober or not, it's always easier for me to get my thoughts on paper and in words. It's hard for me to say things as I think them. It is kinda like Nam when he thinks faster than he can get it out of his mouth (which results in the stuttering). I think this is why I usually have problems communicating my emotions. It's hard for me to put in verbal words, but very simple for me to put in written words or even actions. I guess this is one of those things I need to 'improve on'.

I'm just glad I tied up the loose ends I needed to. I didn't exactly say what I needed to say, but what needed to be said was said. I guess. Perhaps I'll write a letter. Or maybe not.

I was looking at Mel's bday pictures from a couple of nights ago. We went to Spring Rolls, then to West 50, then to Captains. And stuff happened in between. The pictures shall fill in the blanks. The evening was great and the pictures just remind me of how much I love everyone so much.

Caramel Latte, you behest me.

2008-01-07T02:36:00.000-05:00

It's 2:30 am and I can't fucking sleep.

Caramel latte at William's Coffee Pub at 4 pm on a Sunday = worst idea ever. Work will suck tomorrow.

Water Runs Dry

2008-01-06T18:33:00.000-05:00

So the weekend is over, and this is around the time everyone's 'winter holiday' finishes and we go our separate ways until the next statutory holiday/school break: move back to school, go back into school routines, back to the daily grind of our careers...

I ended this weekend with a great relaxing lunch and coffee with Jeff, Mel, Sarah and Justin. It's great having great conversation with great friends to discuss our present and hopeful futures. Homes, careers, future endeavours. It's wonderful to have directions in life, even if they seem like at first they are small, aimless steps. We'll get there guys, eventually.

I'm glad I ended the week before everyone begins their other lives the way I did. The past two weeks have been so chaotic that I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I realized that I most definitely need to take time for myself right now. That means taking a break from socializing, partying, bamboozling, wining, dining (well, maybe not entirely), Poker-ing, playing, ~~drinking~~, loving, self-pitying, denying, staying in the same cycle I am forever spinning in. In essence, I'm taking a break from my "normal" life.

Is it too early to say that I've had an epiphany? Perhaps I am too young and stupid to realize one, so I'm going to take a long-needed break from my party-like-a-rockstar life to find at least a scruple of it. I am going to take a trip half-way across the world (thanks to my generous boss) next month and try to find it, even if I just have a week to do it.

No offense to the friends and lovers that are in my life right now, but y'all need to get out of my face for awhile. I know a lot of people would give anything to have the type of friends and family I have but for now, I'm going to be selfish and put them on the back burner to simmer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will be M.I.A. for awhile. How long? It's best not to say. I may even cancel my big birthday extravaganza. Turning 24 will just have to wait until next year.

I just need this time to focus on other things that I've been neglecting for awhile: my career, my finances, my family, my Self.

I swear that I will come back. And when I do, everything will be the same again (hopefully). My feelings will never ever change for any of you and I hope that y'all will feel the same when I come back. It's really going to be hard to be 'away' but I'm a grown woman and I will take it like a man and learn to cope, for this is what we as humans need to be able to do. It's a really great thing to have people in your life to depend on, but there's a point in your life that you have to realize that those people aren't always there to lean on or aren't strong enough to hold you up. Not friends, not your pet, not even your family. The only person you can really rely on is yourself, and I think I've let myself down too many bloody times. It's time to sit down and talk to myself (in the non-maniacal sense) and figure out ... something. Honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for but it's out there, somewhere.

Being alone is never easy, but I will fare because I always seem to.

So farewell, for now. I will update my journal once in awhile, but don't expect anything spectacular.

Ciao. P.S. I just read this over and I realized I forgot to mention that no one should cut off communication with me. I would like to still be in contact with everyone, just not in physical contact. I may be reached via cell phone, e-mail (ugh) and MSN. :)